How to get free drinks for life: Get shot

Last week, there was a police involved shooting at a distillery/nightclub in Denver last weekend. That’s generally not fodder for a humor blog, is it? Well, the shooting was accidental, and it has a happy ending. We promise.

Last Saturday, an off-duty FBI agent was getting down on the dance floor, finishing off his moves with a backflip. The only problem is that during the backflip, the pistol in his waistband flew out. The agent immediately grabbed the gun, but pulled the trigger in the process, shooting someone probably in the foot.

Now, accidentally being shot by an off-duty FBI agent who shouldn’t have had his gun on him in the first place is kind of like winning the lottery on its own, because you know the feds are going to pay. But it gets even better, because the distillery has promised the victim free drinks for life.

See? Happy ending.

The FBI knows who you are

The FBI wants you to know that not only is the future now, but it’s to the tune of 1 billion dollars. Thanks to its costly project, cameras will be able to recognize people’s faces if they’re in the database. The how and why of the project’s use is vague at the moment, and yes, it may be slightly less than ethical, but we can assure you this:

The FBI’s Flickr account is gonna be HUGE.

FBI labels what a juggalo is

According the Federal Bureau of Investigation, they are a gang. And as the friendly-faced representatives of said group, the Insane Clown Posse has decided to sue the FBI for including their fans on the list of gangs. Because somehow, that’s a logical response.

In other news, ICP still doesn’t know how the f*#@ a magnet works. Or what a giraffe is.

Here’s Johnn — whoops, sorry about that, please carry on

Massachusetts isn’t exactly a place where you expect the FBI to make raids on. That might be why there’s now an issue.

In an attempt to protect the world from COBRA VENOM the Decepticons terror, the FBI made one of their signature raids, guns (possibly) a-blazing and (definitely) chainsaws a-raring. Down went the apartment door! A woman and a young woman were made prisoners of the inner arm of the United States government!

Except, it turns out that the wrong apartment door was taken down. And the woman and young woman? A mother and daughter, made hostages at gunpoint of the inner arm of the government for half an hour. That silent and stealthy approach to making a raid? Potentially ruined by using a chainsaw, especially on the wrong target. Whoopsidoodle.

Animal Liberation Front has AIDS

While we’re not ones to hand out free tips to species traitors like the Animal Liberation Front, we can’t gloat without doing so.

So, if your plan is to intimidate an animal researcher, the last thing you want to do is mail him razor blades and claim they’re infected with AIDS.

1. He conducts medical research on animals. Which means he can easily test whether the razors actually carry the HIV virus by using it on the monkeys.

2. The medical research is for addictive drugs. You might as well mail him pocket mirrors and rolled up dollar bills for the cocaine wing, which is filled with a hundred monkeys at a hundred typewriters who have already developed scripts for 12 Two and a Half Men clones.

More than meets the eye

Last Friday, the county executive of Prince Georges County, Maryland, was arrested under allegations of accepting bribes from developers.

That’s not important. Stuff like that happens every single day. What is important is this: Leslie Johnson, wife of Jack Johnson, has a magical bra.

JACK JOHNSON then told LESLIE JOHNSON to go upstairs in their bedroom and go “my drawer” (sic) and you will see a “check in there that [Developer A] wrote to me” … LESLIE JOHNSON interrupted JACK JOHNSON and asked if she should take the “cash out of here too.” JACK JOHNSON replied “Yes.” JACK JOHNSON then told LESLIE JOHNSON to put the cash in her underwear.

As the wife left the house, she was stopped by two female agents who later searched her and allegedly found the $79,600 in her underwear.

Somehow, that woman was able to smuggle over 79 grand in her bra. For years, people have wondered about the mathematical translations of a parsec, how Soundwave turns into a 30 foot tall robot from a handheld cassette tape deck, the infinite properties of a bag of holding and just exactly where Optimus Prime’s trailer goes. Parallel universes have only been speculated at … until now. Nerd science has finally been nearly vindicated.

Can you imagine the terror?

The FBI has uncovered new evidence in their apparently ongoing case against former Beetle and current dead guy, John Lennon! The Bureau swept in and confiscated a copy of his fingerprints before they could be auctioned off, preventing them from falling into the wrong hands.

What would the FBI need Lennon’s fingerprints for? Perhaps they can finally pin him to several of the cases  they weren’t investigating him for in the 1970s. Or maybe there are secret messages in the swirls and loops to hidden Beetle cells throughout the world.

That’s right: John Lennon might just wage peace from beyond the grave!

Keep your friends list close, your blocked list even closer

Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”

Or … they could be The Fuzz!

Police, FBI, Secret Service and even the IRS are infiltrating the MySpace, Facebook and–in extreme cases–the Friendster to find the goods on you. To bypass your security settings, they’re setting up undercover identities, asking to become part of your online menagerie of familiar screen names.

Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.

So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.

Red Madness sweeps U.S.!

In case your calendar doesn’t update to include every observation ever conceived by people with charities to fund, February 5 is National Wear Red Day.

National Wear Red Day was organized by the American Heart Organization, which doesn’t realize that red is already the color of:

  • Communism
  • Wrist Awareness
  • Sixth Grade Literacy (What? You didn’t read The Red Badge of Courage?)
  • Republican Washington Nationals Fandom
  • Khurramite Succession Over the Mazdak Religion
  • Anthropomorphized Kool-Aid

Basically, we’re saying they could have received better notice if they chose a less used color.

By the way, we’re sorry that we reported everyone wearing red to the FBI for possible ties to Khurramite extremism. We got spooked by the sudden numbers.

Warrior of the Week: The Federal Bureau of Investigation

You hope for it.

You pray, you beg, you plead day after day, and one day it all comes true. Folks, the FBI is on our side. They just put an animal rights activist on the Top Ten Most Wanted list. That means he’s up there with Osama bin Laden and some other dude who are probably really bad.

What’s important is that the federal government’s leading law enforcement agency is officially recognizing the threat that these radicals pose to the nation, and by extension, the world. Daniel Andreas San Diego (you know he’s bad, because he’s got four names) is a vegan, (GASP) and worse yet, is allegedly a member of a terrorist group and authorities say has bombed two buildings.

You thought we were kidding about this stuff, didn’t you?