Sniff test: Snortable chocolate is a thing

It’s summertime, which means that everyone’s on vacation, and there’s no real news happening. So it’s time for our friends in the news media to start running alarmist stories about how rampant and dangerous some relatively small trends among the youth really are. This is your lucky day, snortable chocolate!

For decades, powdered chocolate has been used by moms as a quick mix for chocolate milk. If you believe the hype, it’s now the next big club drug. Some dude heard that snorting chocolate was a growing trend in Europe, so he decided to bring it here.

Coco Loko is being marketed as a legal way to snort something and get high. It’s cocoa powder mixed with some legal stimulants to give you a rush of energy. Use of a silly straw is optional. Coco Loko is to cocaine what candy cigarettes are to smokes.

And no overblown panic story is complete without threats of a crackdown. Sen. Chuck Schumer has sent a letter to the FDA urging it to investigate the health effects of snorting chocolate and potentially ban cocoa snuff.

Pro tip: After snorting Coco Loko, don’t use your sleeve when you sneeze. Chocolate stains are a bitch to get out.

When Twinkies go bad

Not only are the White Peppermint Twinkies #basic, but Twinkie the Kid’s scarf game is on. point.

As The Guys get older, we find that life has fewer and fewer certainties every year. Until recently, we assumed that the Golden Globes are less political than the Oscars. That reality television has no bearing on actual reality. That Twinkies will never, ever go bad.

That’s right: Hostess voluntarily recalled Twinkies — the food that is supposed to sustain us during whatever apocalypse is trending right now — for containing salmonella. Of course, we weren’t betrayed directly by Twinkies. They just happened to be made with milk powder that was recalled.

Also, it was only the White Peppermint Hostess Twinkies. So, those Twinkies were already bad and/or #basic.

FDA: Restaurants don’t know what they’re serving you

Somehow, fast food has reached our highest echelons of government.
Somehow, fast food has reached our highest echelons of government.

Even though we’ve put nutritional information on every food product sold in grocery stores for at least 30 years, our nation’s restaurants and grocery stores have successfully lobbied to delay posting calorie counts on their menus for another year.

The Food and Drug Administration delayed rolling out part of the Affordable Care Act due to ongoing haggling with food manufacturers over what a menu is, what’s considered a serving and what happens when someone “has it their way,” changing the calorie count. Basically, restaurants — and grocery stores that serve prepared food — would rather we believe that they don’t know what they’re serving us than admit what they’re serving us: surplus calories through added sugar and fat.

Restaurants of America: have some pride. You’ve convinced an entire nation that cooking is too hard to do at home, yet pay minimum wage to those who cook for you. You set up play areas that you don’t have to clean by making your best child customers too obese and sedentary to play in them. And the chains (20 locations or more) that are targeted by this legislation run test kitchens to make food addictive, yet you don’t know how to count and post the calories in it? This is why we pass laws.

You Missed It: Female of the specie edition

Finishing the job Aaron Burr began two centuries ago.
Finishing the job Aaron Burr began two centuries ago.

I’m really trying not to get cynical about things. That’s why when I heard that police caught the racist trash who killed nine people he didn’t know, I tried to focus on the fact that unlike so many shooters, he was taken alive, and now he’ll have to answer for his crimes. Maybe we’ll learn something from him and figure out how to keep this from happening again. I’m still trying to convince myself that we’re going to change this time. Let’s shift gears now. If you were busy getting sent to the purgatory of MSNBC this week, odds are you missed it.

Eat it, Alexander Hamilton
This week, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced that the $10 bill will feature a woman when the newest redesign is released in 2020, even though no one uses paper currency anymore. He didn’t mention any names, but said that it would be an American woman who represents the best in American values. So congratulations, Kim Kardashian!

Pope tells world to clean up its room
Pope Francis called out the rich and powerful for harming the environment, saying that Earth looks like “an immense pile of filth.” He called on everyone around the world to avoid the sin of polluting the Earth. The head of the Catholic Church also said that there is a “solid scientific consensus” that climate change is mostly cause by humans. Plus, Donald Trump announced he’s running for president. Weird week, huh?

When trans fats are outlawed, only outlaws will have trans fats
The FDA announced this week that trans fats will be banned by 2018. The federal agency’s announcement was criticized for being trans-phobic, especially for Pride Month.

You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

You Missed It: Crumbling edition

WHY, GOD??!!
WHY, GOD??!!

We were all shocked at the news that broke today. It’s been years since this person left, and since then, there’s been bitterness on the part of the fans, and moderate success on the part of the individual. But after all that has happened, it’s time for forgiveness. We can now all be excited because Rosie O’Donnell is returning to The View! If you were busy celebrating the return of a guy you’ve hated for years, odds are you missed it.

That’s the way the cupcake crumbles
This week, Crumbs Bake Shop closed its doors suddenly, even to the surprise of its won employees. The chain had 14 stores throughout the U.S., and was known for being a go-to place when you forgot your coworker’s birthday. Naturally, the country has been in upheaval since the announcement. You can take away their pensions, you can charge them more for health care and you can track their every movement online, but take away Americans’ cupcakes and there will be hell to pay.

Has anyone seen my vial of smallpox?
If you work at the Food and Drug Administration, you probably feel like you can walk around your office as free and clear from illnesses as any workplace in the world–until recently, that is. It was announced this week that during the transfer of lab equipment to another facility, workers found vials of smallpox sitting in an unused storage closet. The vials date back to the 1950s, which means they were sitting there for the better part of a century. Still think you don’t need to get your grown child vaccinated?

Brazilians not so smooth
They had everything going for them. They’d make a strong showing in earlier matches, they defeated a strong Mexico, they had their crotches freshly waxed, and yet something went wrong for the Brazilian team this week. They lost 7-1 to Germany, which in a game where a 1-0 victory might as well be celebrated as 1,000-1, was quite bad. The entire country was shocked. Once they come out of shock, they’ll probably try to forget it ever happened and just go back to rioting.

The end of a quiet era?

As the nation’s parents, teachers, daycare-providers and Gwyneth Paltrows finished nursing off their post-New Year’s hangovers, they found their first crisis of 2012: we’re running out of ADHD medication.

Pharmacies are unable to keep up with growing demand for Adderall and Ritalin due to rising prescription numbers (18 million Adderall prescriptions in 2010 alone), DEA restrictions on surplus production of the controlled substance and drug manufacturers’ hesitance to provide generics when their namebrand designers drugs are more expensive.

Members of the child-interacting community are nervous, wondering how they will be able to stimulate undrugged children in the future should this problem continue unabated.

Man just can’t give his sperm away

Fremont, California resident and frequent masturbator Trent Arsenault has been ordered by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to cease and desist giving cups of his batter away.

The FDA states that Arsenault must be tested before every sperm donation in accordance with laws on all human fluid donations. However, Arsenault would not be on the hook if, as his grandmother complains, he would just have sex with all these women like a decent Craigslist user.

To date, Arsenault has donated 348 love shots to 46 women who found him online. He describes his process:

“‘It only takes me 15 minutes to do my part,’ he said. ‘They’ll send me a text message, and by the time they get to my house, it’s hot off the press.'”

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner was offended, saying that this was an obvious jab at the failing paper pornography industry, no matter how many times some photographer convinces a delusional Lindsay Lohan she’s Marilyn Monroe.

Ah, the life of a tobacco baron …

Those new graphic cigarette warnings from the FDA are being challenged in court. Five tobacco companies have sued the federal government on a First Amendment basis, claiming that the new warnings infringe on their right to not explain what their products can do to a person’s body.

Sure, they’re a legal product. So’s Listerine, and Listerine helpfully tells you what number to call if you chug an entire bottle (… by accident) right there on the damn bottle.

FDA maintains gays are, respectfully, plague rats

Bio-Blood Components Inc.–which doesn’t sound like the name of a Bond villain’s operation at all–might face a lawsuit from Aaron Pace. Pace says that he was not allowed to donate blood because a staff member thought he was a homosexual.

Bio-Blood has already planned a two-fold defense, claiming that:

1. They’re a little defensive because their best gay friend (character witness!) keeps singing “Gary, Indiana” whenever they mention their location.

2. Technically, the worker only made positive assumptions about Pace’s sexuality.