Pip-pip Cheerio and all that jazz

This is just as disappointing as last year's Valentine's Day.Between Cheerios claiming on the box that it cures heart disease and people claiming they’re under attack by President Obama, we’re starting to wonder when cereal became more than a container for free decoder rings.

Seriously? We’re worried about Cheerios?

What about Lucky Charms’ uncontested claim that they’re a magical part of a complete nutritious breakfast?

Or how about Frosted Flakes’ criminal lack of warning that too much of it before soccer results in on-field vomiting?

What? Just sayin’.

‘E-cigs’ ineffective at detering oral fixations

The U.S. Food and Drug Association — that’s “United States” and FDA, respectively — has expressed doubts about claims by the distributor of E-cigs. E-cigs are, of course, electronic cigarettes that Elicko Taieb believes will replace tobacco smoke as a safe, cancer-free alternative.

The FDA is concerned because e-smokers (sigh) are inhaling pure nicotine, which may not cause cancer. Unfortunately, the product has not been rigidly tested to back Taieb’s claims in U.S. marketting.

No matter if they’re cancerless or not, they still will do nothig to deter the world’s ridiculous oral fixations. We’ve made this argument about cigarettes, thumbs, pen caps and penises: you don’t know where they’ve been, get them out of your mouth.

Leave it to a European to not only contribute to the problem, but make it more addictive with nicotine.

Coke products will not save your life

The Coca-Cola Company is facing an FDA warning about Diet Coke Plus and a lawsuit from the Center for Science in the Public Interest (a consumer group) about VitaminWater, both alledging that the company makes false claims about their health benefits.

Diet Coke Plus recieved its warning because it “[violates] U.S. against marketing soda and other snack foods as more nutritious.” In Coke’s defense, it is more nutritious than, say, vitamin-enriched cocaine, which has not been an additive in their taste-test-losing formula since 1903.

VitaminWater, which is not a Web site (contrary to its edgy .com spelling), is under fire because Coke prints little nutritional tidbits on their bottles like, “defense,” “rescue,” “energy,” and “endurance.” CSPI is also upset because the bottles neglect to mention that the sugar-content does not defend or rescue drinkers from obesity and diabetes.

It is this blog’s duty to remind you that only one beverage can actually improve your health, unlike water, which just makes you thirsty for beverages with taste: booze.