All mammals take the same amount of time to poop

There are a lot of differences between humans and other mammals. For example, we’re smarter, we have souls, and we don’t create memes anthropomorphizing humans. But apparently we all take the same amount of time to poop.

According to researchers, pretty much all mammals take 12 seconds or so to empty their bowels. It doesn’t even really matter what size of an animal you’re comparing. A mouse might take 12 seconds to get its relatively small amount of feces out, and a whale would take just as long because it is able to expel higher volume of waste at a faster rate. Maybe we’re not so different after all.

And to the women thinking, “Then why does my husband spend an hour in the bathroom?” It’s because he’s trying to avoid a woman in life so controlling that she times how long he’s on the can.

Vampire bats finally live up to badass name

You can’t trust a vampire until you sift through their feces. #science

Of all the disappointing truths that ruin childhood, probably the worst — and yet most relieving — is that vampire bats don’t drink human blood. Well, now they do! [You can’t see us, but The Guys just fist-bumped through the heebie-jeebies.]

Biologists with one of the Top 100 Worst Jobs in the World discovered human blood during routine examinations of vampire bat feces instead of the usual bird blood. Seriously, though: you have look in the toilet after eating beets? Now imagine that with real blood, on the ground, in the Brazilian rainforest and with bats overhead. And, here’s the surprising part to us, it’s because they’re running out of birds to eat. In the rain forest. We don’t know if you remember The Rainforest Cafe in your ’90s mall of choice, but there was no avoiding birds. That’s a ridiculous bird shortage.

But, there’s a crazier story buried below why bats suddenly became the Ace of Spades in our War on Animals card deck:

Vampire bats, which live only in the Americas, feed by puncturing the skin of their prey with sharp incisors and lapping up the flowing blood, mixing it with saliva that prevents their gory meal from coagulating too quickly. Previous studies have shown that these bats don’t store fat in their bodies and can’t survive without food for more than a couple of days.

You guys! Now we know why vampires are always ripped!

To boldly go where no one has gone before

We're proposing the twenty-turd century solution: beaming it directly from the colon and bladder into President-elect Trump's gold toilet.
We’re proposing the twenty-turd century solution: beaming it directly from the colon and bladder into President-elect Trump’s gold toilet.

The history of human space exploration is a saga of ingenuity, of smart men and women solving problems based on a limited understanding of the unknown with only a handful of observations and a lot of math. And yet, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was forced to admit that it still hasn’t potty trained your average spacewalker. That, when we send our best and brightest up into the yonder to reach out and touch the face of god, it’s often with a fully loaded adult diaper.

So, if you can think of a better way to either store or dispose of 2.5 ounces of sh*t and a liter of piss every day for 6 days, then you clearly have the right stuff. It must work in an airtight escape suit, work hands-free and not sacrifice the astronaut’s air supply — either the actual air they breathe or Air Supply’s “All Out of Love” that plays on a constant loop in every space helmet.

Part of the issue is that NASA has been holding this problem in for way too long, and  they’re getting ready to take a very long trip to Mars. Diapers have worked for now in low Earth orbit, mostly because home and a new pair of pants has always been less than a day away. But, the further away you get, the longer astronauts may have to spend in spacesuits should, say, life support go offline.

NASA will give the winner up to (no sh*t) turdy-thousand dollars for their design. There’s apparently no prize for number two, though.

Love, love me poo

If you know our animal foes as well as we do, then you’re already aware that dung beetles dance on top of their balls of feces. We always thought it was a premature end zone dance (Remember the good old days when dung beetles just handed the ball to the ref?) before rolling it back home.

But, South African and Swedish researchers believe they found the true reason for the dance: they’re Tiger Woods-ing that s@%t.

The beetle rolls its dung ball in a straight line backwards to its poophole. If stopped by an obstacle or for a very important phone call, the beetle almost always does the dance again to once again travel in a straight line to their underground crap chasm. Repeated experiments demonstrate that these beetles are actually using the dance to get their bearings — including “visual clues from the sun, moon, the Earth’s magnetic field or the nearest tall tree” — to plot a course as straight as the constipated crow flies.

Personally, we still think it’s because the beetles know we won’t step on them while they’re standing on poo, a move borrowed from human teenagers and their flaming sacks of duty.

(Turds.)

‘Police Academy 8: Live!’

There’s nothing funny about cops these days if you’re currently occupying Oakland or the U.C. Berkley, but that doesn’t mean police everywhere else aren’t being cut-ups. Florida Highway Patrol trooper Joe Sanchez, for instance, found his car covered in human feces.

There are no suspects at this time, but after a different trooper pulled over and arrested an off-duty Miami police officer for speeding over 120 miles per hour in his marked cruiser, it’s believed that this may be yet another incident in the resulting — yet denied by both sides — feud.

Nobody, however, has reported to Miami that they already had their shot at a Police Academy movie, and they blew it on Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach.

We call pandas#@t on those numbers

It’s been 10 years, and you all know what that means: it’s time for another panda census in China. Just like here in the U.S., certain elements are afraid to comply with the once-a-decade count, even if an undercount could mean a drop in state support for panda services.

So, what is the Chinese government to do? Does a bear crap in the woods? Unfortunately for paranoid pandas, yes, they do. And China’s gonna count your turds.

In Other News: Anti-census crusader Michelle Bachmann wants you to know that she is not a flake, just a serial killer.

March of the Poop-guins

Did you see what I did there? Oh my, aren’t I so clever! I’m probably the smartest person in world!

Okay, well, if I’m not, then I’m at least in the running to be smarter than a bunch of scientists from Jolly Ol’ Blighty that used a high-powered satellite to track down the fecal matter of Emperor penguins.

“This is a very exciting development. Now we know exactly where the penguins are, the next step will be to count each colony so we can get a much better picture of population size,” said penguin ecologist Phil Trathan.

Exciting development? More like crappy development, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?!