If you know our animal foes as well as we do, then you’re already aware that dung beetles dance on top of their balls of feces. We always thought it was a premature end zone dance (Remember the good old days when dung beetles just handed the ball to the ref?) before rolling it back home.
But, South African and Swedish researchers believe they found the true reason for the dance: they’re Tiger Woods-ing that s@%t.
The beetle rolls its dung ball in a straight line backwards to its poophole. If stopped by an obstacle or for a very important phone call, the beetle almost always does the dance again to once again travel in a straight line to their underground crap chasm. Repeated experiments demonstrate that these beetles are actually using the dance to get their bearings — including “visual clues from the sun, moon, the Earth’s magnetic field or the nearest tall tree” — to plot a course as straight as the constipated crow flies.
Personally, we still think it’s because the beetles know we won’t step on them while they’re standing on poo, a move borrowed from human teenagers and their flaming sacks of duty.
There’s nothing funny about cops these days if you’re currently occupying Oakland or the U.C. Berkley, but that doesn’t mean police everywhere else aren’t being cut-ups. Florida Highway Patrol trooper Joe Sanchez, for instance, found his car covered in human feces.
There are no suspects at this time, but after a different trooper pulled over and arrested an off-duty Miami police officer for speeding over 120 miles per hour in his marked cruiser, it’s believed that this may be yet another incident in the resulting — yet denied by both sides — feud.
Nobody, however, has reported to Miami that they already had their shot at a Police Academy movie, and they blew it on Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach.
It’s been 10 years, and you all know what that means: it’s time for another panda census in China. Just like here in the U.S., certain elements are afraid to comply with the once-a-decade count, even if an undercount could mean a drop in state support for panda services.
So, what is the Chinese government to do? Does a bear crap in the woods? Unfortunately for paranoid pandas, yes, they do. And China’s gonna count your turds.
In Other News: Anti-census crusader Michelle Bachmann wants you to know that she is not a flake, just a serial killer.
Did you see what I did there? Oh my, aren’t I so clever! I’m probably the smartest person in world!
Okay, well, if I’m not, then I’m at least in the running to be smarter than a bunch of scientists from Jolly Ol’ Blighty that used a high-powered satellite to track down the fecal matter of Emperor penguins.
“This is a very exciting development. Now we know exactly where the penguins are, the next step will be to count each colony so we can get a much better picture of population size,” said penguin ecologist Phil Trathan.
Exciting development? More like crappy development, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?!