Tag: feet

Take the flip-flops off and nobody gets hurt

The latest National Foot Health Assessment (we know you await this every year) says that “78 percent of adults 21 and over experienced one or more foot problems in their lives.” And, it’s mostly because of flip-flops. No, not from injuries resulting from politicians changing their stances. We mean flip-flops, the shoes. Sandals. Slippers. Thongs. Toesplitters. The bare minimum to meet the “shoes” requirement for service.

Experts on feet and flip-flops are divided on this health issue. Podiatrists point to flip-flops having no arch or heel support, toe coverage, consistent flex-points, which leads to injuries. Flip-flop sellers, however, point out that these are all sacrifices made to feeling footloose and fancy-free (even in dress sandals). They both agree, however, that they should never be worn with socks.

What the article fails to mention are how many people are assaulted every year with “accidentally” kicked-off flip-flops, particularly from off-duty drum majors and Deion Sanders. Clench those toes, people, or put on a pair of Crocs like the trash you are.

We like big toes and we cannot lie

Ladies, we know that the media perpetuates a certain image of feminimity to send you a message: you’re fat, ugly and need to know at least 300 more ways to “wow” us in bed before you’re lovable, too.

But, let The Guys be the first to say that, aside from counting your toes, we don’t care about your feet.* Now, let’s not get crazy here: we’re not about to suck those foot thumbs. We’ve seen commercials and know that’s where computer animated yellow monsters live. (Also, they spontaeously break out into flames without tough-actin’ Tinactin.) And no amount of surgical procedures is going to change that …

… Unless you get bigger tits. Then we might do anything you ask. But, seriously, leave those hooves alone.

*Yes, we’ve heard tales of “foot fetishists,” but those are just a modern re-imagining of shoemaking elves. Those still exist, by the way, but they go by the name “Daniel Day-Lewis” now.

‘FEETS, DON’T FAIL ME NOW!’

With the exception of this current generation (a pox upon you and your letters U, L and O, might I add!), everyone on the planet has seen The Flintstones. A pterodactyl caws. A giant rack of meat tips a car over. A man slides down a brontosaur. Cars are propelled and stopped by the lowest appendages. An animal of some sort shrugs and says “It’s a living.”

All of these are aspects of the show that get repeated over and over and over in every episode. Pterodactyls do not caw. Giant racks of meat cannot tip a car over. Men cannot slide down brontosaurs. And cars cannot be stopped with your feet.

But a triceratops living under your sink as a garbage disposer? Oh yeah, they definitely say shrug and say “It’s a living.” See, it’s funny because they’re dead inside.