You Missed It: Unofficial end of summer edition

It’s the end of a long week before a long weekend. (That is how it works, isn’t it?) You probably stopped working hours ago and are now just surfing for random stuff. Before you go back to your LOLcats, I hope you enjoy this. If you were busy getting hazed by embassy security guards this week, odd are you missed it.

At least we don’t get hurricanes
Firefighters in the Los Angeles area fought, of all things, a fire this week in what is becoming the annual “hills are burning” festival. And once again, the cause is likely arson, according to investigators. Though the flames billowed smoke for days and are not yet contained fully, Los Angeles resident have only noticed their usual smog is pine scented now.

Just don’t get her started on her 8/6/45 inside job theories
The normally straight-laced Japan is in for some exitement in the near future. (This is true.) Miyuki Hatoyama, the country’s future first lady claims she knows Tom Cruise–not in this life, but a past one. Better yet, she and her husband regularly eat the sun, and once when she was sleeping, aliens abducted her and took her to Venus. You can find these revelations and more in Hatoyama’s new book The Audacity of Bats$%t Insane.

Yay feminism!
According to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reports that the number of female DUIs rose nearly 30 percent from 1998 to 2007. Police say the number may have increased because is particularly because it is difficult to tell if a car is swerving because the driver is intoxicated, or just female.

What? Kids say crazy things in college

The Virginia gubernatorial race is heating up! Republican candidate, Bob McDonnell, is facing criticism for his college thesis, which the Democrat candidate, Creigh Deeds, has featured in his attack ads.

To comprehensively lay out the issue, SeriouslyGuys will now discuss the story in Point/Counterpoint.

Point: McDonnell wrote the thesis 20 years ago! He says he’s changed his mind since then. Remember how you thought when you were young, dumb and full of liberal education?

Counterpoint: McDonnell was 34 years old when he wrote it … at Pat “Jesus Rides Dinosaurs” Robertson’s Regeant University.

Point: OK, but it was a college thesis–a thought experiment. It’s not like it was his plan for the Republican Party to combat feminism and reinstall religion in public schools.

Counterpoint: “The thesis was called ‘The Republican Party’s Vision for the Family: The Compelling Issue of the Decade.’ In it, McDonnell wrote that working women are ‘detrimental’ the the family; that feminism is among ‘the real enemies of the traditional family’; and that the ‘purging’ of religious influence in public schools is damaging to healthy families.”

Point: Fine. But, McDonnell[‘s campaign] still says he’s changed. He’s now a husband and father of “strong working women.”

Counterpoint: So, not only did McDonnell write a paper that echoes Dan Quayle’s 1989 positions, but he couldn’t even enforce them in his own home?

Point: That’s what women do to a man.

Counterpoint: Touché.

We don’t like tan lines either

We here at SeriouslyGuys consider ourselves feminists of the truest sense. We believe in equal rights. That is why we are extremely upset that we missed National Go Topless Day on Aug. 23.

As you an probably guess, Go Topless Day is all about allowing women equal rights. We dig women’s lib and we always have. Particularly, we dig a woman’s right to bare, well, nipples. The struggle continues, ladies! (very NSFW)

Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

Dear Dr. Snee,

I hate summer. I hate buying swimsuits. What can I do to lose some weight in a matter of weeks?

–Newark, NJ

You know, I’ve received a few of these letters recently, and not just from women. Thanks to feminism, more women are working hard in Hollywood to pass their neuroses onto men.

As a doctor with no endorsements (WTF?!), let me first say that fad diets are a hoax. They don’t work. If they do work, they don’t work properly. They’re all temporary diets, so you’ll go back to eating from the horse trough just as you did before, gaining back all the weight and then some.

I subscribe a variety of techniques to my patients depending on their personality and degree of obesity. Feel free to try any of these and then call me the morning after you become hot. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

The McBournie Minute: Equality and equal treatment are not the same

The other day I heard a commercial on the radio during my morning commute for, an Obama campaign voter registration and information site. It was basically just a bunch people naming why they were registering to vote (aside from the fact that like Livestrong bracelets in 2004, it’s the in thing now). One of them toward the end of the commercial was a young woman saying “Because I can’t stand living in a world where I make less than a man.”

That statement, and the driver cutting me off, caused me to yell at my dashboard. You see, men make more for a reason, actually, several reasons, and while this statement attacked the unjust practices of the world, let’s focus on just the U.S. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Equality and equal treatment are not the same

The McBournie Minute: Catcalling is demeaning to men

As most men can tell you, now that it is getting warmer, women are wearing less clothing. Their uncovered legs and shoulders bring out primal urges in men that date back to prehistoric times when cavewomen would wear skimpier furs in the summer months. “Ooga booga,” the cavemen would say to passing cavewomen. This was because no one had yet learned how to whistle.

Yet today, the very same urge still resides in men, at least if you ask a few women who sound kind of angry about it. Apparently, catcalling is not OK. This came as a shock to me when I heard the news, not that it was not OK, that people still catcall. In my time on this planet, I have never been a construction worker nor have I ever been a vagabond, so I have never felt the need to yell anything to strange women. Even in my formative days, I was never one to honk at women I passed by, whether out of courtesy or slow reflexes. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Catcalling is demeaning to men