You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

You Missed It: Summer tan edition

"Mr. President, where did you get those clothes, at the toilet store?"
“Mr. President, where did you get those clothes, at the toilet store?”

It’s Friday afternoon, it’s nearly Labor Day weekend. We’re on the home stretch, here. Maybe kill a little time by reading about the week’s events, what do you say? Honestly, I’m as surprised as any of you that anything happened this week. I’ve been too busy watching the Simpsons marathon to pay much attention to anything. And yet, things happened anyway. If you were busy announcing that you secretly got married in France this week, odds are you missed it.

Judged by the color of his suit
ISIS is still on the move, protests continue in Ferguson, Missouri, the U.K. raised its terrorism threat level, but President Barack Obama wore a tan suit during a press briefing this week, and it’s all anyone would talk about. Female politicians said the president got a taste of what they deal with every day, while critics said he is clearly out of touch. In response, Obama vowed to wear a tuxedo T-shirt at the next briefing.

Hello Person
The internet was rocked this week when it was announced that Hello Kitty is not, in fact, a cat. A spokesman from Sanrio, the company that owns Hello Kitty, said that the beloved character is actually a little girl, rather than a cat. She even has a pet cat. Nothing makes sense anymore. Up is down, left is right, dogs and girls are living together.

The fight for four inches of room
What’s worse than flying on a plane? Flying on a plane and the person in front of you reclines their seat. And what’s worse than that? Having your flight diverted because passengers argued over reclining seats. That happened twice this week. In one case, a passenger used a product call the Knee Defender, which prevents seats from reclining, and the passenger in front of him got mad. This is the best possible publicity for the Knee Defender, which plans on releasing a product that keeps toilet seats from being put down, called Pee Defender.

Take it from Snee: You are not a warrior

With scenes like this …

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… and this …

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… in Ferguson, Mo., it’s easy to see why many of us are wondering if we maybe, quite possibly went an eensy-bit overboard in arming and outfitting our police forces over the past 13 years since 9/11. In fact, it makes complete sense to lose our minds when seeing these weapons of war aimed at civilians. It kind of, you know, makes it look like the police think we’re the enemy, and they’re put in power to put us down like mad dogs in the street.

But, you know what’s really weird? That scenes like this …

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… and this …

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… didn’t inspire the same kind of response.

Yes, the Ferguson Police Department — and many other police departments — are militarized to the point where even Rob Liefeld would throw up his arms and say, “That is way too many ammo pouches, guys. That can’t be proportional to what the human body can carry.”

But, looking at the second pair of photos and the following trends, I’m starting to think that police departments aren’t loaded for manbearpig because they’re police. It might just be because police departments are mostly made up of white males, and white males have gone full-bore Klingon insane.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: You are not a warrior

Egypt unleashes new caustic weapons on U.S.

"As you can clearly see, President Obama, I am rubber. And the U.N. has declared that you are, in fact, glue."
“As you can clearly see, President Obama, I am rubber. And the U.N. has declared that you are, in fact, glue.”

Just when the world thought we could rule out Egypt from starting sh*t with the U.S., their Foreign Ministry dropped what may be the nation’s first snark bomb. They urged U.S. security forces in Ferguson, Mo. to “exercise restraint” in dealing with protests after local police reportedly shot an unarmed Michael Brown six times, twice in the head.

U.S. State Department officials are examining Egypt’s weapon of farcical intent to determine the severity of their sarcasm. This investigation includes learning whether the bomb-maker simply read the U.S. government’s 2013 warning to President Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi in a whiny voice and if there are any hidden implications about our moms.

You Missed It: Martial law edition

Farewell. I always thought "Death to Smoochy" was underrated.
Farewell. I always thought “Death to Smoochy” was underrated.

Robin Williams died this week. There’s no punchline. He took his own life for some reason, widely suspected to be related to his battle with depression. It doesn’t make sense how such a force of humor and kindness could end alone and sad. He had a bigger role in the formation of my sense of humor than I realized until now, even going back to re-runs of Mork and Mindy as a kid. Millions have stories they could tell about how he touched their lives. I’m planning on trying to focus on all the great things he did with his life, rather than they way he took it, just as I’ve grown to admire his entire career, rather than focus on his terrible accent in Good Will Hunting. If you were busy dumping a bucket of ice water over your head this week, odds are you missed it.

The Don’t Shoot Me State
The St. Louis suburb of Ferguson, Missouri has seen countless protests–not all of them peaceful–after an unarmed black teenager was shot and killed by a white police officer. The Ferguson Police Department responded to the protests by suiting up in camouflage and body armor, rolling around town in armored vans and brandishing automatic rifles, which some saw as excessive for any police force to have in the first place. Ferguson Police Thomas Jackson denied his department was militarized, and took off in his F/A-18 fighter jet before the press could ask any other questions.

Mellowing for two centuries
This week, scientists determined that a bottle found on a 200-year-old shipwreck in the Baltic Sea just off of Poland contains alcohol. The stoneware bottle was found still sealed tight, and the booze hadn’t turned to vinegar. The contents are estimated to be 14 percent alcohol, or 28 proof. Researchers believe that based on the chemical composition, the booze was watered down, which leads me to believe that the Polish don’t know how to drink.

Stroll to the border
Taco Bell announced this week that it is planning to open an upscale Tex-Mex joint in California called U.S. Taco Co., apparently not caring to spend money on coming up with a name. The restaurant seeks to tap into the foodie world, and if it’s successful, more may open across the country. Man, I cannot wait for a Belgian waffle taco.