No adult likes going to events for children, unless they’re a stay-at-home parent and it’s the only hope for excitement. But what if the problem with boring kid things isn’t the children, but the adults in attendance?
In Connecticut, adults filled with the spirit of Easter took their kids to an Easter egg hunt, and then ran over any child who got in their way. The event was held at PEZ headquarters, and featured roughly 9,000 eggs, which is clearly not enough to go around. That’s why there were reports of adults stealing eggs and egg baskets from kids, and even knocking some kids down as they raced to beat them to find eggs.
Last week in California, a kindergarten play was briefly entertaining when a fight broke out among parents in the front row. According to police, things got chippy when people sitting in the front row had their views obstructed by parents walking to the front to take pictures of their kids. One woman in particular refused to move when a principal asked her to sit down, and shoving match ensued. The play had to be called early.
Let that be a lesson to all the parents out there: If you want to get out of your kid’s thing early, just start a fight so the cancel it.
If there were any crickets involved in the attack on New York we told you about yesterday, there’s little doubt that they are chirping and bragging away right now. We know this because of science.
A researcher in Ontario (yes, sadly, in Canada), has found that crickets will talk trash through their chirping and dance around before they fight. Also, apparently crickets fight. And when they win, the crickets even brag, which is a clear indication that the concept of sportsmanship can’t be comprehended by the insect brain, or that all crickets are from New Jersey.
The birth of a child is a wonderful thing — a wonderful, yet messy, thing. And to celebrate the anticipated live birth, expectant parents often throw themselves baby showers, because that stuff’s not cheap, and their friends will never see them again.
Naturally, when there is gift giving and hopes for the future of a new human life, the atmosphere can get a little tense, that’s why it’s no surprise that a fight broke out at a baby shower in Massachusetts. Police say as many as 200 people (!) were involved in a fight that ended with four arrests, with charges including assault and battery on a police officer.
Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.
We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.
It’s no secret that when it comes to weddings, women get a little crazy. (Just ask our own Rick Snee. Two words: Bride Zilla.) There’s just something about weddings that makes women jealous of each other. Feelings can often be hurt after the slightest slight.
So, for those of you planning on putting on the ring that instantly makes you less interesting, remember to invite your sister. Police say one Indiana bride did not invite her sister to her wedding reception, so she crashed the reception and fought the bride. She even pulled out clumps of her hair, according to witnesses, but the sister flatly denied touching her sibling.
For the past several weeks, Congress has been handing out money like candy on Halloween. (Technically, it’s been doing this since 1787, but let’s stick to today.) Banks, car manufacturers and the banks again have put on their best costumes and knocked on Congress’ door. Lawmakers have been only too happy to give what the executives want, mostly because they look so cute in their little outfits.
Since the Congressional lottery continues, I have come up with a few other things that are worth of billion-dollar bailouts. Should I ever be called to testify, I would be happy to make my case. Until then, this new device, this series of tubes will have to do. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts