Kirk Camerons, far as the eye can see

If Kirk Cameron and Liberty University are going to create thousands of anything from Growing Pains, we'd rather it be an army of Boners.
If Kirk Cameron and Liberty University are going to create thousands of anything from Growing Pains, we’d rather it be an army of Boners.

Liberty University, a college founded by televangelist Jerry Falwell, will team up with Kirk Cameron to continue the 1980s bio-engineering experiment to create more Kirk Camerons.

However, since God frowns on tinkering with his blueprints, they will do it by making a movie about why God lets bad things happen … like letting preachers become wealthy enough to start a school and legitimize their “theories” on homosexuality and gender inequality. (Although we’re surprised that it will take them 90 minutes to explain that it’s “because of the gays.”)

They hope that by helping Cameron make his film, they’ll be able “to create tens of thousands of Kirk Camerons” and unleash them on the world to use their professions to “impact the culture.”

Why so many Kirk Camerons? Because he is the “example of the kind of graduate Liberty is trying to turn out.” Of course, Kirk Cameron did not attend Liberty University or even a real high school … but it’s basically the same thing as a degree from their school, right?

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Super Fly’

“(Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song) made being a revolutionary hip,” Mario Van Peebles said a former Black Panther and Congressman once told him, “but Super Fly made being a drug dealer hip. Big difference.”

Van Peebles, whose father Melvin was the auteur behind Sweetback, makes a quite strong statement of how Hollywood capitalized on his pop’s movie and created an assembly line of action pictures starring Afro-American actors. However some of these films deserve a more fair shake. Super Fly, directed by Gordon Parks Jr., the story of a coke dealer who wants out of the biz, isn’t like the others, and even stands out in the gangster genre. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Super Fly’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Black Dynamite’

The spoof (aka broad parody) sub-genre is a schizophrenic beast. At its best, the spoof can treat you to something as sublime as Airplane!, as mindlessly amusing as the Scary Movie series, or as stunningly worthless as Epic Movie. It takes skill to make a movie bad on purpose, but movies that are bad by accident can be a lot more fun. But the spoof remains the comedy sub-genre for filmmakers who are also movie geeks. Basically, you need to have seen a lot of Airport movies to write Airplane!, and you need to have some solid experience with blaxploitation movies to produce something like Hollywood Shuffle, I’m Gonna Get You Sucka, or the newest arrival: the worthy Black Dynamite, which aims to do to Shaft and Superfly what The Naked Gun did to police procedurals.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Black Dynamite’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja 2’

The original American Ninja introduced us to Michael Dudikoff as a blond-haired, blue-eyed U.S. soldier skilled in the arts of ninjitsu. In all ways it was an action movie that represented the decade of its birth: excessive, somewhat shallow and pure VHS filler.

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, on the other hand, isn’t just a movie, it is truth in advertisement to the letter. Not only does it feature an American ninja but it also has a confrontation. So right there we must give credit where credit is due, because damn it, some movies don’t even get this right so at least the movie candidly delivers what it said it would. Some would mock the title, claiming such viscous things as “Have you seen a ninja movie without a confrontation?” But DAMN IT, this is no call for criticism, it’s for PRAISE. And strangely enough, that’s the only negative thing he says about American Ninja 2, but can you blame him? I sure wouldn’t want to irritate the American Ninja, especially after seeing his invincible standards here. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja 2’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja’

Annnnnnd we’re back.

See, we gave you a special edition of MasterChugs Theater last week in order help celebrate the birthday of SeriouslyGuys. But now, it’s back to the grind. Quality movies like you wouldn’t believe, and with the recent Oscar season having ended so soon, that shouldn’t be too hard at all. I mean, look at the sheer number of quality movies that came out in the past year. In fact, while some of them may not have been top level movie of the year films, the large amount of movies for the expanded Best Picture of the Year category should at least be noteworthy.

Oh, wait, what’s that? You tell me that it’s March? Hmm. Well, time to scrap those above plans, as we all know what that means.

March Movie Morts.

Let’s celebrate this year’s edition with the greatest American action movie star of the 80’s: Michael Dudikoff. In doing so, we can only kick start a celebration of The Dudikoff (He complies) properly by examining the great film in his filmography: American Ninja. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Annie Hall’

Alvy Singer stands in front of an orangey sort of backdrop and tells us, the movie audience, the joke about two women at a Catskill resort. “The food,” says the first woman, “is terrible.” “Yes,” the second woman agrees, “and the portions are so small.”

This, says Alvy Singer, is just about the way he feels about life. It’s not great—in fact, it’s pretty evenly divided between the horrible and the miserable—but as long as it’s there, he wants more.

In this fashion, Woody Allen introduces us to the particular concerns Annie Hall, a comedy about urban love and incompatibility that finally establishes Woody as one of our most audacious filmmakers, as well as the only American filmmaker who is able to work seriously in the comic mode without being the least bit ponderous. And you know what? It’s a story full of love, and surprisingly enough, pure romance. Hit the jump to see more about it. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Annie Hall’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Stuck on You’

The Farrelly brothers have made a career out of mocking the afflicted. They had fun at the expense of the mentally challenged in Dumb And Dumber. Last time out they mocked obesity in Shallow Hal. Stuck On You garners its laughs from the exploits of conjoined twins. It’s not a strategy that has won the approval of the politically correct, but their bad taste humor has found a large audience.

That they portray their handicapped with affection goes some way to dispel the charges of ridicule. That they do it so brazenly also warrants some recognition. Most humor comes at the expense of somebody’s misfortune. The Farrellys just happen to focus on those whose misfortunes are more obvious. And, let’s face it, there are few richer subjects than conjoined twins. Stuck On You may effectively be a one gag movie, but it’s one they make full use of, including absurd scenes of the youthful brothers pitching baseball, playing football and boxing. But does the joke ever wear out? Hit the jump to find out. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Stuck on You’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘End of Days’

It’s now 7 days into the new year of 2010, and all seems well. There have been no tentacle monsters, no winged demonic congressmen and a severe lack of cyborg dinosaurs. However, 11 years ago, that was almost a different story. Oh yes, you see, the world nearly ended as the onset of the new millennium approached. That was what we called the End of Days. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘End of Days’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘A Christmas Story’

Congratulations. If you’ve made it this far, you’re now reading about what is my absolute favorite Christmas movie of all time. And speaking of reading, let’s get on with the review.

For the uninitiated, A Christmas Story ranks as the best holiday movie ever, better than Scrooged, better than A Christmas Carol (pick a variety), better even than It’s a Wonderful Life. Based on the book In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd, it’s a period piece set in roughly 1940, telling a series of vignettes about a young boy that’s 9 years old in the weeks leading up to Christmas. He faces down bullies, witnesses a dare match over whether a tongue will stick to a frozen metal pole, gets his mouth washed out with soap, and sees the holiday turkey devoured by dogs… and all he wants is a BB gun! But as everyone tells him, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”

And with that line, the movie went down into the annals of pop culture. But, there’s more to the film than just quotable dialogue. What makes this film so good? Hit the jump to find out why.  Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘A Christmas Story’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Men Who Stare at Goats’

The key question about The Men Who Stare at Goats is not whether it is true (it totally is though it allegedly is).

The key question is whether it will make you laugh.

No allegedly about it-it will. Oh, how it will. Click the jump to see why. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Men Who Stare at Goats’