UK police look to give mystery amputee the finger

London 2010 … does anyone know what these guys ate before the Olympics? Because they’re clearly missing a few fingers.

Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.

The odd thing about the Summer of Mystery Amputations, or SoMA, is that none of the amputations happened this year. In fact, many of these extremities were originally removed in previous decades or even millennia. But, today’s is much more recent: a finger found seven years ago in the U.K. that doesn’t match any open cases and was never claimed by anyone.

So, if you’ve lost a finger in London 2010, and can describe it, the police would like to free up a little space in their office fridge for an extra Cornetto.

Jose Canseco keeps losing his finger

Not that he used his glove hand anyway.
Not that he used his glove hand anyway.

Folks, you may have heard a couple weeks ago about how former MLB juicer Jose Canseco accidentally shot his left middle finger while cleaning his gun. (Which is why you should never, ever, keep Jose Canseco in your home.) It was hanging on by a thread, and surgeons reattached it, but things didn’t go so well.

Canseco said that the finger kind of smelled bad, but he ignored it — until it fell off during a poker tournament. That means that people voluntarily sat at a table with Canseco and his rotting finger, and there’s no way anyone could raise him when he threw it into the pot.

Apparently, doctors have reattached it again, so this is going to work out well.

Good thing the NFL kept cameras out of the bathroom

Even though the NFL kept its promise to keep Madonna dressed, the Parents Television Council is up-in-arms because of a bird. NBC censored British singer M.I.A.’s international diplomacy — you know, the finger? — but, it was a half-second too late for the steely gaze of the PTC, who can spot a nipple through a metal doily from a wide-out crane shot.

The PTC had no problem with the rest of Madonna’s show where she outgayed the gayest gay that ever gayed. Clearly, this is both a victory for and challenge to the gay community if they can’t offend America’s scrappiest PTA anymore.

Ask Dr. Snee: No ifs, ands or butts

Dear Dr. Snee:

I’ve just had a birthday, and I’m worried about getting older. More specifically, about prostate exams. Do doctors really have to stick a finger up my butt? What if I enjoy it? Or are there any other methods?

–Sitting Around

You know, SA, you couldn’t time this question any better. In fact, your timing is so extraordinary that a casual reader might think I just scanned the news for a medical headline, found a silly one and then wrote a fake letter from someone embarrassed about prostate exams. It’s a funny idea, but completely untrue.

But, seriously: South Korean doctors have just devised a new test that also involves fingers, only this time, it’s with your finger. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: No ifs, ands or butts