Firefighters save delicious pigs, eat them as sausage

Back when fire departments first became a thing, firefighters would loot the houses as they tried to keep them from burning down. Today, firefighters just settle for a small paycheck and an excuse to wear a mustache. One woman whose property was save by firefighters decided to give back.

In England, a woman’s piglets and sows were saved from a barn fire by her local fire department several months ago, and she promised to repay them someday. That day has come. The woman held a barbecue for the local fire department, serving sausages made from the very pigs that they had saved.

So really, the pigs were only saved from the flames for a few months–until they would be tastier. This is a great policy, as long as they don’t apply it to saving children.

The government is tracking your heart

If you have a pacemaker, you probably need to back away from your computer. You also are probably glad that you have a machine that’s keeping your ticker ticking. But did you know that the government is tracking you?

In Ohio, authorities say they charged a man with arson and insurance fraud after examining the data from his pacemaker. Last fall, the 59-year-old man’s house burned down. He told police that as the house was burning, he was able to pack some bags and get them out of the house. Police obtained a warrant for the data on the man’s pacemaker, and a doctor said his heart rate did not match that of a man rushing to pack and carry heavy suitcases.

With that, police said they had enough evidence to say the man packed his suitcases ahead of time, because the fire was no accident.

Pig burns down cop’s home

The danger posed by animals is real, folks. It’s very, very real. We cannot caution you enough against trusting animals that you call pets, because no matter how much you love them, they want to destroy your life, including burning down your house.

In South Carolina, a sheriff’s deputy is now homeless because one of her animals torched her home when she was gone. The theory is that the deputy’s pig knocked over a heat lamp in an animal pen, setting a fire that spread to the house.

The pig survived the incident and has not been charged, but we believe it should go towards replenishing the nation’s pork belly supplies.

Tortoise nearly burns down two houses

Pets, much like children, gain our affection only to use our emotional attachment against us and bend us to their will. It’s no secret. But from time to time we need a reminder to stay vigilant with our pets, even the slowest of them.

In San Antonio, a tortoise nearly burned down his owner’s house and the neighbor’s house when he knocked over a heat lamp. According to reports, the heat lamp was knocked on to a mattress, which then caught fire. The fire was so bad that it spread to the next house over. The neighbor’s house actually got the worst of the damage, estimated to be $150,000 worth. Of course, the tortoise escaped the fire unharmed, and gullible authorities have not charged him with arson.

Do you know what animals are living next door?

Don’t fart near lasers

That makes the scene in Entrapment even more tense.
That makes the scene in Entrapment even more tense.

When you undergo surgery, you’re typically not allowed to eat for about a day ahead of time. Doctors say they want your system to be clear when you go under the knife, but it turns out that means more than you think.

In Japan, investigators have blamed a woman’s fart for causing a fire during surgery. Back in April, the doctors were using a laser to operate on the woman’s cervix, when according to the report, the patient farted and the gas was ignited by the laser beam.

So if you’re going to cheat on your fasting rule before surgery, stay away from the burritos.

Toxic blob heading toward Cleveland — again

Cleveland is a tough, proud town on Lake Erie. Sure everyone likes to make fun of its sports teams because they are awful, but the people endure. And it’s no wonder that people in The Cleve yearn for days gone by. Those who miss the 1970s may soon have a reminder on tap.

It seems a blob of toxic sludge dredged from the Cuyahoga River in the 1970s and dumped into Lake Erie is making its way toward an intake pipe that supplies water for the Cleveland metro area. The industrial waste blob is about two miles long, and is just five miles away from a water treatment plant and its intake pipe, state health officials warn. It’s some of the same carcinogenic sludge that caught fire in the Cuyahoga River in 1952 and 1969. Here’s Randy Newman with a quick history lesson.

Cleveland, an old friend is coming home.

Some animals want to watch the world burn

This is what a fish-stuffed hydrant looks like.
This is what a fish-stuffed hydrant looks like.

We’ve seen an increase in attack on infrastructure in recent weeks. Most notably, birds knocking out our nuclear power plants. But the animals have gotten even craftier.

In Nova Scotia, Canada, firefighters rushed to the scene of a grass fire this week, probably because there aren’t many building there to catch fire. When they hooked up the hose to a fire hydrant, no water came out. They later found that the hydrant was completely clogged with fish.

The good news here is that we’re still finding new ways to kill fish, but the bad news is that this tactic could put us all in danger.

Spider tricks man into setting car on fire

This also took care of any nearby ants.
This also took care of any nearby ants.

Flames are generally the best way to eliminate any animal threat on land, but the smartest of our beastly enemies can use this information against us. Such a thing happened in Michigan.

According to reports, a spider sat on a car’s gas cap and waited until the owner needed to refuel. When the driver discovered the spider at a gas station, he used his lighter to kill the spider, and fell right into the arachnid’s trap. A fire erupted at the fuel pump, causing damage to the man’s car and the station itself. Luckily, it was put out before causing an explosion.

We may never know whether he got that spider.

Different kind o’ fire pit

Ahoy there, mateys! Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day. The Guys will be postin’ accordin’ly, lest ye think we all had strokes overnight.

We love when the media be causin’ a panic an’ jumpin’ to conclusions. Remember “the knockout game” that wasn’t really a thing? We’re hopin’ the next craze be the armpit fire game.

Five teenagers in Idaho were injured in a crash when someone set the driver o’ the SUV’s armpit hair ablaze. It not be hard to imagine the panic when the captain o’ the land ship felt a burnin’. The local authorities charged the driver and the teen with the lighter.

Next time use a blowtorch

The one foolproof way to kill something is to use fire on it, unless it’s a dragon or something, those things love fire. When you see a spider, you may be tempted to burn it, but this is part of its game.

A woman in Kansas found this out when she saw a spider in her duplex. Wanting to kill the beast, she did the most reasonable thing and tried to burn the spider by setting towels on fire. Instead, she ended up getting a visit from the fire department. To make matters worse, she was even arrested for what she had done.

We have no word on the fate of the spider, but our guess is that if it survived it also eluded authorities, because spiders are sneaky like that.