Give your TV a Viking funeral

"Well, there's your problem: too much excitement."
“Well, there’s your problem: too much excitement.”

If you thought American public television was boring, no matter how many Dowtons they Abbey, then you haven’t seen boredom. No, for true, mind-numbing hours of marathon paint-peeling, you’ll have to go to Norway.

As a follow-up to their highly rated (no, really) continuous, uninterrupted eight hours on a train and then the sequel, 134 hours on a cruise ship, Norway changed things up on Friday by airing 12 hours of a wood-burning fireplace.

And like PBS’s 11-and-a-half hours long Civil War, the fire is based on a book, Norwegian bestseller Hel Ved, which its publisher claims outsold Fifty Shades of Grey this holiday season. We don’t know if there were slow pans and zooms onto certain flames, but there was narration from “firewood specialists providing color commentary” on “burning, slicing and stacking the wood,”  along with “music and poems.”

It’s enough to make you wish they still made wood-paneled television sets.

Tyler Perry’s Madea Gets Trapped In a Fire

Atlanta is burning once more.

Tyler Perry Studios, the home base of the titular man’s work, caught fire late Monday.

Again. That’s right, it’s not the first time a fire broke out in the studios.

Luckily, no one was hurt, but the real crime that happened was more damage to the work of Tyler Perry. Because that’s … because … it’s just … it’s just so … bad.

Uh-oh! Our frankincense is tingling!

We’ve got bad news for you Christmas traditionalists out there. (You know, those of you that drink wassail as three ships go sailing by for 12 days.) If you were planning on going the nostalgic route and giving Jesus his original baby presents, then you’re out of luck with frankincense. By the end of the last century, it appears that fire, disease and cattle farming depleted Boswellia trees, which is where frankincense — a resin — comes from.

Of course … you could always embrace the commercialized Christmas and give the Big Guy gold, myrrh and a box of General Mills’ Frankenberry.

And then come the dogs with bees in their mouth

Occasionally, the phrase “the cure is worse than the disease” is bandied about. More often than not, this is uttered by nancy-men and ninnies that are too scared to risk anything ever in life. But sometimes, just sometimes, there’s a kernel of truth in the adage.

This is one of those times.

For burning sensation, just add water

Science, we haven’t heard from you in so long! Mind you, the last time we heard from you was yesterday, but when you’re short, all time feels sped up. That’s okay, because when you’re here, I know that I can trust the soothing news that you bring to me.

So what have you brought my way this time? Oh, it’s about drinking water?

Well that’s no problem. Water replenishes me. I’m made of water. Water takes care of me and makes my skin look not as bad as it could.

Wait, what’s that? You say that the very water I drink could be flammable? That’s bad! And that said water could be linked to fracking? I don’t even know what that sentence means, but it sounds like it could be bad!

Bad science! Go away! We’ll have no more of you and your evil shenanigans.

Flowers: serious business.

Are you in love? Does he or she know? Well, whatever you do about it, for the love of God, don’t buy them flowers.

Flowers, or plant genitals, have long been part of human custom: weddings, birthdays, apologies and funerals. And funerals is just what posies have in mind when they spontaneously combust (i.e., terror explode) and cause $20,000 worth of damage to an Arkansas home.

The whole incident could have been avoided had the Duncans re-potted or even just watered their plant, but the United States does not negotiate with amaranths.

Fire in the hole!

There are many deathsports in the world: Russian Roulette, Duck-Duck-Shark, Taser Tag …. All mere child’s play!

The truly most dangerous sport–especially in dry grasslands–is golf.

One unidentified golfer in Irvine, California proved this deadly fact when his iron club grazed a rock, pitching a spark into the rough. The resulting fire spread quickly and was eventually put out by 150 firefighters.

A memorial will be unveiled for the two bushy hillsides that are no longer with us.

You Missed It: Unofficial end of summer edition

It’s the end of a long week before a long weekend. (That is how it works, isn’t it?) You probably stopped working hours ago and are now just surfing for random stuff. Before you go back to your LOLcats, I hope you enjoy this. If you were busy getting hazed by embassy security guards this week, odd are you missed it.

At least we don’t get hurricanes
Firefighters in the Los Angeles area fought, of all things, a fire this week in what is becoming the annual “hills are burning” festival. And once again, the cause is likely arson, according to investigators. Though the flames billowed smoke for days and are not yet contained fully, Los Angeles resident have only noticed their usual smog is pine scented now.

Just don’t get her started on her 8/6/45 inside job theories
The normally straight-laced Japan is in for some exitement in the near future. (This is true.) Miyuki Hatoyama, the country’s future first lady claims she knows Tom Cruise–not in this life, but a past one. Better yet, she and her husband regularly eat the sun, and once when she was sleeping, aliens abducted her and took her to Venus. You can find these revelations and more in Hatoyama’s new book The Audacity of Bats$%t Insane.

Yay feminism!
According to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reports that the number of female DUIs rose nearly 30 percent from 1998 to 2007. Police say the number may have increased because is particularly because it is difficult to tell if a car is swerving because the driver is intoxicated, or just female.