The McBournie Minute: Obama wants to take our opinions

There’s a gloom in Washington, D.C. these days. There’s a major battle brewing, and it’s already being fought in the Internet sewers. Soon it will come bumbling up. You see, the citizens feel their constitutional rights are being threatened, and President Barack Obama is to blame. It’s no wonder his second term began under such controversy.

The rights I speak of, of course, are our First Amendment rights. You know, the ones where we get to say whatever we want, assemble peacefully, have our own religion, complain to the government and have a free press. Our rights to have a free media, regardless of its intelligence or lack thereof, are being infringed upon, fellow citizens.

That’s right, America, the Obama administration is coming to take your opinions away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Obama wants to take our opinions

If you give a lawyer a ticket

Florida's last legal recourse is to shame morons into turning their car stereos down by having Ice Cube pull up next to them.
Florida’s last legal recourse is to shame morons into turning their car stereos down by having Ice Cube pull up next to them.

It’s not every day that you encounter the perfect storm of douche.

Clearwater lawyer, Richard Catalano, struck a freedom blow for obnoxious douchebags in his home state of Florida on Thursday. He took his $73 ticket for blasting Justin Timberlake songs in his car at a volume that police say could be heard more than 25 feet away all the way to the Florida Supreme Court and, unfortunately for everyone on his commute, won.

Just in case his obnoxiousness was in question, Catalano argued (correctly) that his right to loudly share his terrible music with everyone is within his First Amendment rights. So, be sure to thank Catalano with your First Amendment rights and tell him to turn his sh%&ty music down.

So, let’s go to the scoreboard: Florida (1), lawyer (2), loud car stereo (3), that is blasting Justin Timberlake (4),  challenges $73 ticket in the state’s highest court (5), arguing that said ticket violates the First Amendment (6) and being annoyingly right (7)? We are officially at DoucheCon 1 … or 5 … whichever means we want to die.

Ah, the life of a tobacco baron …

Those new graphic cigarette warnings from the FDA are being challenged in court. Five tobacco companies have sued the federal government on a First Amendment basis, claiming that the new warnings infringe on their right to not explain what their products can do to a person’s body.

Sure, they’re a legal product. So’s Listerine, and Listerine helpfully tells you what number to call if you chug an entire bottle (… by accident) right there on the damn bottle.

How To: Not successfully write a book

There are plenty of good writers out there. Coincidentally enough, many of them are probably writing about Phillip Greaves, himself an aspiring writer that even got his work (“The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover’s Code of Conduct”) published and sold on until it was taken down by the website. This same work is also being used as evidence for arresting Greaves thanks to an obscure little obscenity statute in Florida.

There are many aspects to look at regarding this: just what constitutes obscenity, the content of the book, how far the First Amendment goes in regards to free speech, just what part 4 (“Incitement to crime: It is a crime to incite someone else to commit a crime, and such speech is not protected by the First Amendment”) says for situations such as this and other various parts of the law. Many, many good writers would have an utter field day with this case.

The Guys are not those people. We’re still stuck on whether pedophilia is ickier than necrophilia. For that matter, why bother with trying to track down a book that may be potentially illegal, when you can browse the How To section of SeriouslyGuys? Totally digital and 100% NAMBLA free*.

*Numbers may or may not be accurate, give or take 17 percent.

2010 Election: Two week warning!

There’s only two weeks in a mid-term election that could go down in history as a revolution in government or another mid-term election.

Tea Party candidates are the focus, by choice and for hilarity. But now that we’re in the final stretch, Republicans are trying to “contain gaffes,” which is another way of saying “try to not sound crazy.”

So, welcome to Moderateville! Where every nutjob with a tie wants to protect your social security and actually read the Constitution!

By the way: there are no more debates in Moderateville, because there’s no point when everyone’s normal and would only agree with each other!

Take it from Snee: The motherf@#king First Amendment

The First Amendment is a funny thing. After the U.S. Constitution was ratified, it was the very first of ten proposed additions that would guarantee certain rights to citizens. The fact that a bunch of guys would propose free speech and religion before guns shows that either

a) We used to be more sophisticated than our modern breed that flocked to The Expendables this weekend, or

b) The Founding Fathers realized shooting people is worthless unless you have the right to say something really cool beforehand.

And, really, is there anything more American than unrestrained words and gun violence? You could tell they were really reaching for ideas afterwards because the next amendment they could think up was quartering, followed by some lawyer s&#t. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The motherf@#king First Amendment

Say whatever the 5#*& you want

Sort of kind of maybe, that is.

A Manhattan court of appeals has thrown out the FCC’s regulations on the First Amendment. Well, on First Amendment grounds, that is. The basic gist of this is that now live television doesn’t have to live in fear of heavy fine because a single, solitary curse word slipped through.

Which is very good. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we should start dropping the f-bomb or Harry Seeward on the evening news (even if Rick likes it when Katie Couric talks dirty, and we’re talking about the oil spill), but accidents do happen. Though, like all good things, this bit of news does have its detractors.

“Let’s be clear about what has happened here today: A three-judge panel in New York once again has authorized the broadcast networks unbridled use of the `F-word’ at any time of the day, even in front of children,” [Parent Television Council President Tim] Winter said in a statement.

Not quite, though I do have some suspicions that Brian Williams would give one awesome Mel Gibson-esque speech if pushed too far.

Supreme Court doesn’t care about your graduation

The U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear the case of Nurre v. Whitehead. The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that it was OK for a Washington high school to not let a graduating senior perform an instrumental version of “Ave Maria” during her commencement.

Kathryn Nurre, the aggrieved senior, sued the school for violation of her First Amendment right to A) turn the graduation ceremony into a Catholic mass and B) lengthen the already long ceremony of reading names while everyone’s buzz wears off.

While the court declined the case without comment, that didn’t stop Justice Samuel “Not True” Alito from saying he would have heard it.

While it is hunky-doory for public schools to cover the students’ selection of clothes to express themselves, Alito worries that banning poorly performed hymnals could lead to a slippery slope of further censorship at school events, like of speeches.

Judge rules First Amendment protects dooty-head

A federal magistrate has ruled that Katherine “Katie” Evans, who apparently doesn’t have clever enough friends to give her a cool nickname, can sue her principal for violation of her First Amendment rights.

The stinky-sounding Evans posted a critical Facebook page of her teacher in 2007, dubbing the educator “the worst teacher I’ve ever met.” Evans took the page down a couple of days later. We cannot confirm whether Evans is stupid or lazy, but her reliance on Facebook doesn’t help her case.

Two months later, the principal, Peter Bayer, found out about the page and suspended Evans for 3 days. He also reached our same conclusion and bumped her down from her Advanced Placement classes.

We agree, though: Evans’ speech against her teacher is Constitutionally-protected and her principal was wrong to punish her, even if she is a sniffly, desperate, drama queen with cloven feet, backbreaking halitosis and deficient iron in her blood. (That’s right, we said it: “Katie” Evans is anemic.)