Researchers give fish marijuana, because why not?

Fish always look like they’re stressed out. They’re constantly moving. They never blink. And they seem to be perpetually in a panic. Naturally, some fish scientists wondered if they could mellow out some fish — by giving them marijuana.

Researchers recently dosed some tilapia with weed to see if it could help lower their stress levels. Farmed fish in overcrowded tanks tend to get more aggressive, which can kill fish, and that’s bad for the bottom line. So they gave the fish some THC-laden edibles. They didn’t seem to do any better than the fish that were fed regular food.

Perhaps the fish are really good at hiding that they’re high. It makes sense, since they basically live in Visine.

Goldfish invade Australia

Australia is a downright terrifying place to outsiders. Pretty much every animal native to the continent looks like it’s a xenomorph, can kill you in a matter of seconds, or is a koala. That’s why it’s hilarious when our cute pets go over there and wreak havoc on their ecosystems. The latest threat: goldfish.

It looks like Western Australia is under siege by the cute little fish you win at the fair. Wildlife authorities are asking people not to flush their goldfish (assuming here that they mean living goldfish) because they are growing big and taking over waterways. Normally, goldfish live in freshwater, but they are somehow finding a way to survive in saltier bodies of water and threaten native plants and wildlife. The worry is that these salt-resistant goldfish are going to expand into other waterways and become a real problem.

So perhaps we shouldn’t be as scared of Australian wildlife as we are. Or maybe we need to be more afraid of stupid, puffy goldfish.

Fish attack California elementary school

It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.

In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.

Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.

If you smell something, say something

Some security incidents are just fishier than others.

Alert passengers at a Swedish rail station reported a suspicious package to authorities. A sealed package was just sitting there on a bench in the crowded station. We can only assume that the station was evacuated out of an abundance of caution. When brave police offers opened the package, they discovered that it contained several pounds of cod.

This blog has been saying for years that fish should not be in civilian hands.

Once enemies, eagle, salmon team up to attack Seattle power

Animals are taking advantage of our increased dependence on electricity, and what’s worse, they’re joining forces to do so.

According to the local power company, some 200 Seattleans Seattleians Seattlites Sea People lost power last week when a strategically placed salmon struck a power line. Witnesses report an eagle carried the salmon out of a nearby river and dropped it where it would do the most damage. Utility workers recovered the smoked salmon.

Nice try, animals. But if you really want to disrupt Seattle society, try attacking the wifi in coffee shops.

Neo-Nazis throw meat, sausages at vegans

There's no reason civilians should have access to weapons like those.
There’s no reason civilians should have access to weapons like those.

They say that America has a culture of violence. Luckily, we don’t need to worry about the kind of attacks citizens of Tbilisi, Georgia felt recently.

According to reports, the Kiwi Cafe, a vegan restaurant has hosting an English-language movie night when a group of Neo-Nazi thugs burst in and started throwing meat, sausages and fish at patrons. Vegans must not be too welcome in the nation of Georgia, because when the fight spilled out into the streets, the restaurant’s neighbors began attacking the vegans, rather than the Neo-Nazis.

The real question is if it’s vegans vs. Nazis, who do you root for?

Some animals want to watch the world burn

This is what a fish-stuffed hydrant looks like.
This is what a fish-stuffed hydrant looks like.

We’ve seen an increase in attack on infrastructure in recent weeks. Most notably, birds knocking out our nuclear power plants. But the animals have gotten even craftier.

In Nova Scotia, Canada, firefighters rushed to the scene of a grass fire this week, probably because there aren’t many building there to catch fire. When they hooked up the hose to a fire hydrant, no water came out. They later found that the hydrant was completely clogged with fish.

The good news here is that we’re still finding new ways to kill fish, but the bad news is that this tactic could put us all in danger.

Sailin’ the Polysty-seas

The Atlantic Ocean, 2050.
The Atlantic Ocean, 2050.

According to a new report from the Ellen MacArthur Foundation, there will be more plastic than fish in the oceans by 2050. And if so, good, because that’s also when white Americans will be outnumbered by non-white people. Why should fish catch a break?

The problem is that, while there are recycle bins everywhere, only 14 percent of plastic packaging waste makes it into one. The rest goes in the normal trash with cat turds, popsicle sticks, and the leftovers from that ethnic restaurant with the waiter who didn’t hear you quietly say you didn’t want leftovers — all of which in turn gets dumped into the ocean.

But, we don’t know what oceanographers are complaining about. We figure that, given enough plastic, they’ll have a much easier time preserving and mounting their catches on the wall.

More scary fish news

There are things fish shouldn’t be able to do, such as reproduce asexually. And now we have several more to add to that list.

Australia outer islands are under attack from a fish that can walk. Not only that, it can climb trees, and even survive without water for up to six days. We made need to stop calling this a fish, come to think of it.

In any case, scientists think the climbing perch, an invasive freshwater fish, can now handle saltwater, and it’s poised to make landfall in the Land Down Under. The perch is known to be aggressive, and could threaten local fish and birds. You can bet that if it does that, humans are next.

Arizonans’ feet to remain calloused, not fishy

It's for the best, as it was only a matter of time before someone opened a piranha-themed salon.
It’s for the best, as it was only a matter of time before someone opened a piranha-themed salon.

The U.S. Supreme Court is a lot like jazz. No, not because of Justice Alito’s long-winding free-form dissent solos. But because, like notes in jazz, you can tell as much about it by the cases that it doesn’t hear as the cases that it does. And this Supreme Court has decided that it does not want to hear about pedicures performed by fish.

The court rejected the appeal of Cindy Vong, a woman who used fish to eat the dead skin off of patrons’ feet at her salon until the Arizona Board of Cosmetology wrapped the practice up in newspaper. Unlike files, chains, blowtorches and whatever else is normally used during pedicures (The Guys don’t go to a lot of bridal showers), fish cannot survive being treated in Barabasol and, therefore, violate health rules. Their ruling means that Vong cannot resume the practice and will have to exploit recent human immigrants like everyone else in the beauty industry.

So, thank you, Chief Justice Roberts and Co., for keeping fish from taking our menial foot maintenance/small talk jobs away. You’re the real heroes in the War on Animals.