A graveyard in Massachusetts has been the subject of vandalism — very unpatriotic vandalism at that. Someone is stealing the flags from the graves of veterans. And unsurprisingly, it’s the animals that are to blame.
Flags placed at graves for Memorial Day were reported missing or vandalized in the days that followed, prompting an investigation by local authorities. Now, police have identified their leading suspect: a groundhog that hates America. The investigation is ongoing, but authorities say it seems most likely to be the work of an evil groundhog, and if it is, they will catch it.
Folks, in times as divisive as these, the animals are trying to divide us even further. Let’s come together, not as Red America and Blue America, but as humans, and eliminate these vermin once and for all.
In these Tough Economic Times, it was only a matter of time before the government recognized that the rising unemployment rate and industries destroyed by union benefits could be solved with one solution: slavery.
So, it only makes sense that the U.S. Army would award Pentagon-flown American flags and a bronze star to surviving World War II veteran slave laborers.
The very model of a modern Major General Vincent Boles went on to call the retired slaves “national treasures.”
And, at the end, he made one of the survivors cry.
SG quick tip time, everybody—if you’re ever completely naked while riding a horse (clearly giving new meaning to the term “bareback”) in Peru, don’t use the country’s flag as a saddle. Believe it or not, they frown upon that! Who would’ve guessed? Not me. But then again, I live in the United States. WE WILL EAT YOU.