Michigan fish doing the Dew after soda spill

We take our water for granted. At best, we assume it will the bland, colorless, tasteless liquid that is somehow acceptable to both drink and bathe in. But what if we could make it more awesome?

In Livingston County, Michigan, local waterways are now heavily caffeinated after a massive spill of Mountain Dew syrup at a bottling plant. A tank holding the syrup, which is added to fizzy water to make soda, burst, allowing 7,200 gallons of it to make it down the drain and into a retention pond. Because the syrup mixed with water, it is now technically Mountain Dew.

Look out, Flint. Your water supply is about to become EXTREME.

Sheriff wants inside inside clothes rather than outside inside clothes

Robert Pickell, the sheriff of Flint, Michigan, has decided that it’s time to paraphrase the famous words of George Bush, and thus: “No new underwear.”

His decision has been prompted by recent actions of inmates to traffic drugs and illegal paraphernalia. Newly jailed individuals had beforehand restitched and sewn up female undergarments so that they would now contain pockets to bring in baggies of China White. As such, outside undergarments have been banned from being brought as gifts to inmates in the Genesee County Jail.

Sadly, Pickell’s decision is misplaced. Instead of focusing on the underwear, he should be focusing on conspiracy of evil seamstresses that has now arisen, ready to overthrow our legal system and create a fortune with their illicit lingerie.