Tag: florida keys

Where the #### do we sign up?

Florida: you’re a weird state; but, out of weirdness comes awesome ideas. The Guys are ready to join your Python Patrol.

The Python Patrol has nothing to do with ex-living wrestler Jake the Snake Roberts (unless someone released his snake in Florida) and everything to do with hunting down and capturing large, dangerous fugitive snakes before they reach the Florida Keys.

Sign us the #### up. Seriously. We will put any children into boarding (since your state has some problems with keeping them unmurdered) and move right the #### down there. We don’t even need uniforms; just give us some really cool ball caps or badges or Jeff Corwin sticks.

It should be noted that the group does this to save Florida’s native endangered species from being devoured whole by pythons (which they do by unhinging their jaws! Awesome!), so we would technically be saving animals, which violates our pro-War on Animals stance …

You know what? Say what you will; once the pythons are gone, the manatees will start gaining numbers and destroying property, maybe even beating up bottlenose dolphins. And once we get rid of those ugly beasties, well, dolphins can be dicks. Point is, we’re ready to help you “control” your animals, Florida, one species at a time.

Warrior of the Week: Greg LeNoir

It’s not easy being lonely. I mean, life can be pretty weird if you’re single. It’s probably even worse for those that are married. One might think initially that with all the time that you and your significant other spend together, that you wouldn’t be lonely in the slightest. Au contraire, brown bear. Perhaps that’s how it is in the beginning, but once the years start to mount up, being lonely is all that one can do to not kill each other. At least, that’s what I hear.

So, it’s understandable that when the life of whatever may be closest to Greg LeNoir is threatened, he takes action. If what is closest to him is his prized toy rat terrier, then it’s kind of weird, but still understandable. If the action that must be taken requires him to kick logic to the curb, stick to his crazy guns and punch a shark in the face to save the dog, then it’s not understandable. No, it’s seven shades of bad-ass.

That’s right-Greg LeNoir of Florida, a mile mannered carpenter, jumped into the water to save his toy dog. Using his hardened and callused hands of power, he punched the shark over and over until it gave him back what was his. There have been only two people in history beforehand to have taken it to sharks in such a manner-Chuck Norris and Batman.

If LeNoir was fighting a ghost shark, then he clearly wouldn’t have been afraid of no gho-wait. Just hold on a minute. What do you mean that “the dog was real”? Wait, so he risked his life to save an animal from another animal? But it looks so not alive. I mean, that dog looks like it’s stuffed five ways to Sunday.

Aw man, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Rays strike again, awaken sleeping giant (us)

Ladies and gentlemen, the news from the War on Animals frontlines does not get any better today.  The stingrays, who started this war almost two years ago, have struck again.

This time, their victim was a Michigan woman vacationing in the Florida Keys.  The 75-pound spotted eagle ray leaped into the air, striking the woman in the head.  The woman was standing on a boat travelling 25 mph, so the ray’s barb was unnecessary.  This was the equivalent of attacking a baby with a ballpeen hammer.

This blog knows that every human lost in this war is roughly 76,650 less all-you-can-eat seafood buffets.*  We know that there is a time to mourn.  But there is also a time to exploit.

While this loss of human life is tragic, it is a stern reminder of what happens if we let down our guard and take vacations in the animals’ homeland: outdoors.  Either vacation in large human population centers, or take a gun and shoot everything with more or less than two legs!

*Equation to estimate a lifetime of seafood buffets:

L = average lifespan in years (70)
y = days in a year (365)
m = number of meals per day (3)

B = L * y * m