Give the gift of a reusable rocket

We’re a week away from Valentine’s Day, and you probably haven’t gotten anything for your significant other, have you? Isn’t it time you got them something really special?

Maybe you should get that special someone a space rocket. You’re in luck, because there’s one on Craigslist going for just $9.9 million. The SpaceX Falcon 9 is listed in “good” condition, which just some minor burns and only light use. The down side is that shipping isn’t available, so you need your own tug boat. And then you’ll have to haul it all the way from Cape Canaveral, Florida. But that will make it mean that much more to your Valentine.

It’s a lot better than naming a star after them.

Sharks gear up for Spring Break

Over 75 percent of shark respondents said they devour coeds because of "Jimmy Buffett."
Over 75 percent of shark respondents said they devour coeds because of “Jimmy Buffett.”

Thousands of sharks are making their way to Floridian beaches in anticipation of Spring Break, lured by the promise of tasty, inebriated young morsels.

While many of the sharks are also taking a break from their schools, for some, this is an annual ritual spanning decades. On-site polling of Spring Break veterans reveal that most enjoy the shrinking of the bathing suit over the past 80 years; but a small minority long for more modest days when there weren’t tiny straps that get caught between rows of teeth.

But despite those changes, nearly all sharks agree that Spring Break is the best week of the year, followed closely by what they call “Discovery Week,” when thousands of camera men are lowered into snack cages.

This is SeriouslyGuys, reporting from the front line of the War on Animals. Thanks for reading.

Bug spray won’t cut it in Florida this year

If you live in Florida, you may want to consider moving before the summer comes. We’re sure it’s a very nice place and all that, but it’s about to get flat-out terrifying.

It’s no secret that Florida is one big swamp, and that mosquitoes love swamps, so naturally, the bugs are all over the state. But now, according to this headline, scientists are expecting a “Large, aggressive mosquito.” It’s likely going to be from the Psorophora ciliata species, which sounds like something you shouldn’t google at work.

The article is short on details, and we don’t want to speculate, but it probably means that the state will be terrorized by a single mutant mosquito, roughly the size of a house, and the demeanor of grizzly bear.

Of course, if you want to hunt this mega-mosquito, we’ll write songs about you when you bring us its head.

Florida continues to up the wackiness, this time with space

You may have heard about the meteor shower that happened over Russia recently. A lot of attention was brought to the area thanks to the damage it created just on the offhand. Florida, being the petulant child state that it is, decided it could up the ante and needs attention, too.

This past weekend in Broward County, a single meteor streaked through the night sky. Now, that’s fairly tame for the most part, but even more so when compared to the shower of meteors that happened just two days ago. So why did it gain news?

Because it has been declared a fireball, something that sounds a lot more exciting than a single meteor. Nice try Florida, but we’re onto your attempts at doctoring up the news. You can’t fool a fool.

 

…..that may not have come out like we wanted it to.

The snakes seem to have won this time

It’s all over, folks. After a month of sloshing around and hacking at random branches, Florida’s 2013 Python Hunt has come to a close. You remember, the big event where just about anyone could go into the Everglades and kill as many Burmese pythons as they want?

According to the Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission, in all, only about 50 of the beasts were taken, even though there are thousands of them estimated to be slithering around and eating anything they can. It will provide a lot of data for scientists, but it sure seems like a disappointment.

The problem is that the program is flawed. Why limit it to just one month, especially during the time of year when it’s coldest and reptiles are typically less active? We need to make this a year-long event. Whoever turns in the most pythons by year’s end wins!

Jesus was a beer man

Every now and then Jesus likes to show up in unexpected places. You know, in pieces of toast and things like that. But now our lord and savior has decided to enjoy a brew.

A man in Florida says he found Jesus, and oddly enough, he’s a fan of Corona Light. Fred Truluck was walking his dog when he spotted a fish-shaped piece of a case of beer. Jesus didn’t look like a fish, as everyone knows, but on the fish-shaped box was the outline of Jesus. Or perhaps it was just the outline of some other long-haired dude. We’ll never know.

Reptile hippie unhappy with snake hunt, Florida is shocked

Florida has a wee bit of an issue with pythons. We may have told you about that before.

In a move that probably shouldn’t surprise anyone, a species traitor reptile specialist in Florida isn’t too keen on the ongoing Python Challenge. The challenge is designed to aid the natural environment of Florida (the part that doesn’t include senior citizens, pre-zombies and Cuban pork sandwiches) by slowly but surely eradicating the invasive snakes, thus returning nature to its natural balance. Not only that, but it also pays the most successful hunter. See? Positive reinforcement!

But no, Dr. Kevin Wright thinks that feral mammals actually do more damage than the pythons and suggests that we should find ways to unearth their biology through economic means. Clearly he has no memory for the Great Snail Miami Tidal Wave of 2011. The fool. We can’t throw money at the problem to fix it, but we can throw bullets.

Senator to take B-movie action hero role in real life

If you’ve ever wondered, we’ll reveal it to you: the political affiliation of SeriouslyGuys is quasidemoderepubliraptorjesucratic. That said, if we ever move to Florida (shudder), then we resolve to always vote for Bill Nelson.

Bill Nelson, senator for Florida, began the process for banning pythons. Not one to just sit back and wait for legislation to take place, Nelson will take a very literal part in hunting the snakes down.

In a world, come Saturday, the Florida Everglades will see a little more congressional action, when Senator Bill Nelson joins a scientist and conservation employee to hunt down pythons. The invasive constrictors are opposing bills and he’s the veto-er: of their life.

Take it from Snee: Time to let Florida secede

The city of Miami will strike first.

SeriouslyGuys documented earlier this month how crazed and/or bored Internet users in mostly Southern states filed petitions to secede from the United States almost immediately after President Barack Obama won reelection. Of course, many Web sites like ours joked about letting those mostly former Confederate states go their merry, debt-filled, uninsured way.

Look, nobody most people weren’t really serious about that. Not really, anyway. While, yes, things would be simpler if the states that require the most federal money, yet never want to pay for it, struck it out on their own, we wouldn’t be the same country. Deep fried Oreos would be reclassified as “ethnic food” just because it comes from another country, and our nation’s foodies eat enough fried foreign tripe as it is.

But, what about Florida?  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to let Florida secede

Another day, another buried grenade

Perhaps you’re unaware of the great Elven/Dwarvish/Root People Hidden War of 1951. It happened a long time ago, and as it’s named, it was hidden from the masses. In the conflict, a mass of elves tried to eradicate the Root People of the Under-Colonies with the assistance of the dwarfs. This all took place under the entire state of Florida. The elves were able to do their vile business, but in doing so, relations between their people and the dwarfs were shattered forever.

Unfortunately, their tools of destruction have now been unearthed. Kids in Orange County stumbled across a buried grenade, and not too long after that, a second grenade was discovered.

People of the world beneath the dirt, please come forward and let it be known where your former weapons of war and ruin lie. If you don’t, you’ll have to be unwittingly added into a commercial backed by Sarah McLachlan, and no one wants that to happen.