No deal: Woman can’t trade car for Necco Wafers

There are a few candies hated by most people, but celebrated by a small but passionate few. Candy corn. Root beer barrels. Necco Wafers. People get nuts about this stuff.

A woman is so worried that Necco Wafers may be going out of business that she is offering her car for her favorite treat. The woman is from Florida, because of course it happened in the U.S. The company is trying to sell itself but can’t find a buyer yet and could close next month.

The woman offered candy wholesaler CandyStock.com her 2003 Honda Accord for the company’s entire Necco Wafers supply. CandyStock passed on the offer, making the first of two disappointments the woman will have in the coming weeks.

Florida hires team to murder iguanas

If you have the urge to go out and kill some invasive species, Florida, as always, should be your destination.

The state, which is home to the annual python bounty hunt, is sending researchers to seek out iguanas and kill them by bashing their heads in. According to reports, iguanas have taken over much of South Florida, including many local governments. In an effort to fight back, state tax dollars are paying some scientists to go on an iguana murder spree.

Still think public funding for science is a waste?

Post office not sending to nudes

A nudist resort in Florida certainly has no shortage of packages, but the people say they aren’t getting any packages through the mail.

Residents of Eden RV Resort and City Retreat in Florida are complaining that they aren’t receiving their mail when a female carrier refuses to deliver when she fills in. Their regular mail carrier apparently has no problems delivering, though. The nudists say the U.S. Postal Service has not tried to resolve the issue in any way.

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds (except for naked people).” — U.S. Postal Service creed

You Missed It: Cue card edition

6) How unfairly do you think the media treat me?

It seems like every time we start having a national conversation about something, there’s always one faction that wonders what the Founding Fathers would say about the issue. This has always struck me as crazy. You know how talking with your grandparents eventually leads to them saying something horribly outdated and makes you feel awkward? Multiply that by five times. That’s how backward those people would be in any conversation by today’s standards. If you were busy beating Canada to win a gold medal this week, odds are you missed it.

“It says here I shouldn’t call you losers”
During a meeting discussing last week’s mass shooting at a high school in Florida, President Donald Trump was caught holding a card with a few empathetic responses, including, “I hear you.” People criticized him for this, but I’m glad he had an empathy card with him. It’s a welcome change from what he normally reads from, Cards Against Humanity.

VP N/A
Second Lady Karen Pence this week at a conservative conference portrayed her husband as a regular guy, who enjoys kicking back on Friday nights with a pizza and some O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer. You know, a regular guy who calls his wife “mother,” refuses to eat with women who aren’t his wife, and drinks fake beer on his cheat day.

Used to be the pizza guy arrived when the sex started
Speaking of pizza, an adult toy company has just released a smart vibrator that can be, and this is true, order you a pizza after you finish using it. Ladies, save yourselves some money. Get a boyfriend, he’ll gladly pay for pizza after you’re done.

Give the gift of a reusable rocket

We’re a week away from Valentine’s Day, and you probably haven’t gotten anything for your significant other, have you? Isn’t it time you got them something really special?

Maybe you should get that special someone a space rocket. You’re in luck, because there’s one on Craigslist going for just $9.9 million. The SpaceX Falcon 9 is listed in “good” condition, which just some minor burns and only light use. The down side is that shipping isn’t available, so you need your own tug boat. And then you’ll have to haul it all the way from Cape Canaveral, Florida. But that will make it mean that much more to your Valentine.

It’s a lot better than naming a star after them.

Sharks gear up for Spring Break

Over 75 percent of shark respondents said they devour coeds because of "Jimmy Buffett."
Over 75 percent of shark respondents said they devour coeds because of “Jimmy Buffett.”

Thousands of sharks are making their way to Floridian beaches in anticipation of Spring Break, lured by the promise of tasty, inebriated young morsels.

While many of the sharks are also taking a break from their schools, for some, this is an annual ritual spanning decades. On-site polling of Spring Break veterans reveal that most enjoy the shrinking of the bathing suit over the past 80 years; but a small minority long for more modest days when there weren’t tiny straps that get caught between rows of teeth.

But despite those changes, nearly all sharks agree that Spring Break is the best week of the year, followed closely by what they call “Discovery Week,” when thousands of camera men are lowered into snack cages.

This is SeriouslyGuys, reporting from the front line of the War on Animals. Thanks for reading.

Bug spray won’t cut it in Florida this year

If you live in Florida, you may want to consider moving before the summer comes. We’re sure it’s a very nice place and all that, but it’s about to get flat-out terrifying.

It’s no secret that Florida is one big swamp, and that mosquitoes love swamps, so naturally, the bugs are all over the state. But now, according to this headline, scientists are expecting a “Large, aggressive mosquito.” It’s likely going to be from the Psorophora ciliata species, which sounds like something you shouldn’t google at work.

The article is short on details, and we don’t want to speculate, but it probably means that the state will be terrorized by a single mutant mosquito, roughly the size of a house, and the demeanor of grizzly bear.

Of course, if you want to hunt this mega-mosquito, we’ll write songs about you when you bring us its head.

Florida continues to up the wackiness, this time with space

You may have heard about the meteor shower that happened over Russia recently. A lot of attention was brought to the area thanks to the damage it created just on the offhand. Florida, being the petulant child state that it is, decided it could up the ante and needs attention, too.

This past weekend in Broward County, a single meteor streaked through the night sky. Now, that’s fairly tame for the most part, but even more so when compared to the shower of meteors that happened just two days ago. So why did it gain news?

Because it has been declared a fireball, something that sounds a lot more exciting than a single meteor. Nice try Florida, but we’re onto your attempts at doctoring up the news. You can’t fool a fool.

 

…..that may not have come out like we wanted it to.

The snakes seem to have won this time

It’s all over, folks. After a month of sloshing around and hacking at random branches, Florida’s 2013 Python Hunt has come to a close. You remember, the big event where just about anyone could go into the Everglades and kill as many Burmese pythons as they want?

According to the Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission, in all, only about 50 of the beasts were taken, even though there are thousands of them estimated to be slithering around and eating anything they can. It will provide a lot of data for scientists, but it sure seems like a disappointment.

The problem is that the program is flawed. Why limit it to just one month, especially during the time of year when it’s coldest and reptiles are typically less active? We need to make this a year-long event. Whoever turns in the most pythons by year’s end wins!

Jesus was a beer man

Every now and then Jesus likes to show up in unexpected places. You know, in pieces of toast and things like that. But now our lord and savior has decided to enjoy a brew.

A man in Florida says he found Jesus, and oddly enough, he’s a fan of Corona Light. Fred Truluck was walking his dog when he spotted a fish-shaped piece of a case of beer. Jesus didn’t look like a fish, as everyone knows, but on the fish-shaped box was the outline of Jesus. Or perhaps it was just the outline of some other long-haired dude. We’ll never know.