It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.
Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.
Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?
Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to killthem. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.
The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!
Jimmy Buffett is your dad’s favorite musician, and yet he has a lot in common with Kiss. Their bodies of work get far more credit than they deserve, and they both enjoy commercializing themselves in as many ways as possible because they have legions of fans who will gladly fork over cash for crap with their names on it. But Buffett may have edged out Kiss for once.
If you’re a Buffett fan, you’re looking at retirement–assuming you didn’t spend through all your savings following your dude on tour. If your coconut bra hangs lower than it used to, why not retire in a community in Florida what has the Margaritaville name on it? Latitude Margaritaville is being built in Daytona Beach, Florida and will be open to the 55-and-up crowd starting next year. The project is expected to have 7,000 (!) homes in it, all in that tacky, tropical style you love. And it’s just the first community planned.
Considering what we know about retirement homes and STD rates, this version of Margaritaville could quickly turn into Hedonism. Yeesh.
Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.
According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.
After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!
You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.
Traffic accidents kill Americans every day, and an untold number of them are caused by animals. Now the beasts are trying to get us tickets and arrests, too.
In Florida, police say a man who ran a stop sign blamed the incident on a fly that flew into his mouth. Rather than let the man go based on the undeniable veracity of his claims, the officer pressed on with his questions. He soon learned the man had no ID on him, and according to police, gave a fake name, then gave a second fake name after he was arrested.
Of course, authorities refused to see that the fly the man had swallowed was controlling what he said.
Be careful the next time you grab some doughnuts, it could land you in jail.
In Orlando, Florida, a 64-year-old man was pulled over and charged with possession of methamphetamine. Turned out to just be some glaze left over from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. At the time, cops thought it was a crystal, and some field tests found there was residue of illegal substances on the car’s dashboard. Weeks later, lab tests found there was nothing illicit at all. The only thing he was guilty of was a bi-weekly Krispy Kreme habit.,
So let the news go far and wide: Krispy Kreme puts meth in their doughnuts.
In the horrible future, technology will we used to track your every move. There will be no more privacy. You won’t even be able to commit a crime in peace. The future is now.
If a Florida woman’s car is to be believed, she was involved in a non-fatal hit-and-run accident with a pedestrian. Police were notified by an automated system that the woman’s car had been involved in an accident, they were then patched through to the driver herself. She denied that a serious accident had happened, and went home. Police caught up with her and found that her airbag had been deployed and the front end of her car had significant damage.
It turned out that she had actually been in an accident earlier, and was fleeing that scene when she hit the pedestrian. The technology-driven police state is so bad you can’t even have two accidents in one day without being caught.
The kitchen is filled with many potential weapons, an alleged bank robber learned that a spatula isn’t one of them.
In Florida (to no one’s surprise), police say Brandon Stepherson robbed a bank unarmed, then broke into a home. A man said he went outside to smoke, and when he came back inside, he saw Stepherson standing there, having armed himself with a spatula. He then threatened the man who lived there, demanding that he give Stepherson the keys to the car outside.
The spatula threat didn’t really work, and after a scuffle, Stepherson ran from the house and was soon arrested by authorities. So take note, bank robbers, if you’re looking for a getaway car, and you end up in someone’s kitchen, a spatula isn’t great for threatening. The only worse kitchen weapon would be measuring spoons.