At least Hurricane Harvey slayed this beast for us

The recent hurricanes have done a lot of damage to Texas, Florida and the Caribbean. Many might say that it has shown the goodness in people, and that is the only good thing to come from these tragedies. That is a falsehood. They also killed an ugly monster for us.

A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Harvey battered coastal Texas in a way not seen since the Comanche Great Raid of 1840 (historical reference!). Houston was devastated, and folks are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. But at least they don’t have to worry about a monster lurking in the waters.

A woman found this monstrosity lying on the beach in Texas. Mercifully, it was dead. Now, she’s hoping someone can tell her what the hell it is. As you can see above, it’s long, ugly and has teeth. It kind of resembles a xenomorph. We can thank Harvey for killing this beast and making the Gulf of Mexico safe for us.

Unless this monster has a family swimming around out there.

Hurricane booze cruise is best vacation ever

Ahead of Hurricane Irma, most Floridians got out of Dodge, while some fools decided to hang around and party their way through it. But no matter how awesome the party, no one did Hurricane Irma better than the people on a cruise ship.

Right now, the Norwegian Escape is somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico with some 4,000 drunken passengers who avoided the massive storm. The ship took on some displaced passengers, in addition to its own passengers who had been dropped off in Miami after their cruises were cut short before the hurricane, leaving them with nowhere to go as Irma bore down on them. The Escape then headed out to sea with an “unlimited” supply of booze.

After the pounding Florida took, it could be a while before the ship docks again, and that’s just fine with the passengers.

Stars align to stop car thief

There was a total solar eclipse that streaked across the U.S. yesterday. Perhaps you heard about it. Some called it breathtaking, others called it predictable. It helped stop at least one crime that we know of.

In Florida, of all places, police say they were following a 22-year-old man in a stolen car, when he stopped at a store. The suspect came back out with a welding mask so that he could watch the eclipse. It was then that he was arrested and charged.

Apparently welding masks aren’t safe for eclipse watching, but the guy should get leniency just for his outside-the-box thinking.

Reasonable times for customers to draw guns

Here in the U.S., we’re very pro-gun. In fact, you can carry your gun pretty much anywhere you want, nervous people waiting in line at Wendy’s be damned. But for some reason, people get a little nervous about actually pulling out their gun, particularly in business-to-customer settings. Here are some helpful tips.

OK: When you don’t like your sandwich. We’ve all been there. You put in your order at a fast food place, and what you get doesn’t match up with the picture on the menu. A 20-year-old man in Ohio was upset that his sandwich at Steak N Shake had an egg on it that looked super gross. So as a reasonable customer, he threatened to shoot up the place. Now, he didn’t actually have a gun, so charges probably won’t stick. But the key here is that you can whip out your gun, just don’t make any threats. Let your shiny revolver do the talking.

OK: When a utility van is parked outside your house. In Florida, a 64-year-old man didn’t like that there were two AT&T trucks parked outside his house, especially that one guy was up in the cherrypicker on one of them. So he calmly walked outside and shot out the tires of the two vans. Because if you want vehicles to move, shooting their tires is your best option. Also, note that he shot below the bumper, so he’ll likely avoid vehicleslaughter charges.

Bar robbed at gunpoint, patrons don’t care

What’s great about a bar is that you can go out and have a good time drinking with your friends. What’s bad about a bar is that other people exist. Studies have shown that not talking to strangers in a bar decreases your odds of getting in a fight. Unfortunately, it also means you miss when something cool happens.

In Florida, two robbers, one armed with a shotgun, the other carrying a rifle, took money from a bar and walked out, all while patrons in the bar kept drinking. The robbery happened at about 1:30 a.m. last Sunday, which may help explain why so many people didn’t see it happen or just didn’t care. The bar owner said people kept ordering drinks during the robbery.

We’ve had nights like those.

You Missed It: Harsh environment edition

Make America Grey Again.

There are things about our society I will never understand, such as mustaches, lattes and Civil War reenactors. But above all else, I do not understand the annual appeal of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It’s great that it’s the one time America cares about the education of its youth, but why does anyone watch it? It’s like sitting through a school band concert and you don’t even have a kid at that school. If you lost your job because of thin-skinned bullies this week, odds are you missed it.

Paris je déteste
This week, President Donald Trump announced that he will begin the process of pulling the U.S. out of the landmark Paris climate agreement. For some reason, people were surprised by this. Folks, this is the guy who argued that it wasn’t raining during his inauguration, when you could clearly see rain drops, umbrellas, and George W. Bush getting confused by a poncho. Of course he’s going to deny climate change. Pretty soon he’ll be arguing that the sky’s not grey.

Sleeping Tiger
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods earlier this week after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was pulled over on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.

Mr. Met thrown out
The New York Mets fired the actor playing Mr. Met, after video surfaced of the large baseball-headed anthropomorphic figure was seen flipping the bird at hecklers. So that ought to get that ball club back on track.

Grayskull native runs for Florida Senate

His real name is Prince Adam, but let’s keep that a secret.

It’s no secret that Florida is utter chaos. Any time some weird arrest happens, be it Tiger Woods or some dude riding a motorcycle with his infant, it’s happening in America’s Australia. But now a mater of the universe wants to straighten things out. He-Man is running for a seat in the Florida Senate.

Miami voters will have a chance this September to vote for Christian “He-Man” Schlaerth. The candidate filed a sworn affidavit this week stating that he has gone by the nickname He-Man since well before running for office. That means his moniker will be on the ballot. Schlaerth says he acquired the nickname from his rugby playing days, and his campaign manager didn’t know his first name for weeks.

A campaign manager signed on for a candidate he only knew as “He-Man?” This is going to be a fun race to watch.

Santa arrested for selling drugs … again

It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.

Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.

Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?

Come get your paid python hunting trip to Miami

This is probably what hunting pythons looks like.

This is our chance, fellow warriors!

Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to kill them. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.

The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!

Jimmy Buffett wants you to retire in Margaritaville

Jimmy Buffett is your dad’s favorite musician, and yet he has a lot in common with Kiss. Their bodies of work get far more credit than they deserve, and they both enjoy commercializing themselves in as many ways as possible because they have legions of fans who will gladly fork over cash for crap with their names on it. But Buffett may have edged out Kiss for once.

If you’re a Buffett fan, you’re looking at retirement–assuming you didn’t spend through all your savings following your dude on tour. If your coconut bra hangs lower than it used to, why not retire in a community in Florida what has the Margaritaville name on it? Latitude Margaritaville is being built in Daytona Beach, Florida and will be open to the 55-and-up crowd starting next year. The project is expected to have 7,000 (!) homes in it, all in that tacky, tropical style you love. And it’s just the first community planned.

Considering what we know about retirement homes and STD rates, this version of Margaritaville could quickly turn into Hedonism. Yeesh.