Tagged: florida

| Filed under War on Animals

Come get your paid python hunting trip to Miami

This is probably what hunting pythons looks like.

This is our chance, fellow warriors!

Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to kill them. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.

The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!

| Filed under Regular Post

Jimmy Buffett wants you to retire in Margaritaville

Jimmy Buffett is your dad’s favorite musician, and yet he has a lot in common with Kiss. Their bodies of work get far more credit than they deserve, and they both enjoy commercializing themselves in as many ways as possible because they have legions of fans who will gladly fork over cash for crap with their names on it. But Buffett may have edged out Kiss for once.

If you’re a Buffett fan, you’re looking at retirement–assuming you didn’t spend through all your savings following your dude on tour. If your coconut bra hangs lower than it used to, why not retire in a community in Florida what has the Margaritaville name on it? Latitude Margaritaville is being built in Daytona Beach, Florida and will be open to the 55-and-up crowd starting next year. The project is expected to have 7,000 (!) homes in it, all in that tacky, tropical style you love. And it’s just the first community planned.

Considering what we know about retirement homes and STD rates, this version of Margaritaville could quickly turn into Hedonism. Yeesh.

| Filed under Regular Post

Santa Claus caught selling pot, molly

When the North Pole sends its people down here, it’s not sending its best.

Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.

According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.

Kids, Santa needs a belt this Christmas.

| Filed under Scurry '16, The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: Get excited for ballot measures

After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!

You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.

So let’s take a look at some of the big issues out there. As I did two years ago, I’ll tell you which way you should vote tomorrow. Continue reading

| Filed under War on Animals

Fly gets man arrested

Traffic accidents kill Americans every day, and an untold number of them are caused by animals. Now the beasts are trying to get us tickets and arrests, too.

In Florida, police say a man who ran a stop sign blamed the incident on a fly that flew into his mouth. Rather than let the man go based on the undeniable veracity of his claims, the officer pressed on with his questions. He soon learned the man had no ID on him, and according to police, gave a fake name, then gave a second fake name after he was arrested.

Of course, authorities refused to see that the fly the man had swallowed was controlling what he said.

| Filed under Regular Post

Krispy Kreme glaze looks a lot like meth, cops say

Be careful the next time you grab some doughnuts, it could land you in jail.

In Orlando, Florida, a 64-year-old man was pulled over and charged with possession of methamphetamine. Turned out to just be some glaze left over from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. At the time, cops thought it was a crystal, and some field tests found there was residue of illegal substances on the car’s dashboard. Weeks later, lab tests found there was nothing illicit at all. The only thing he was guilty of was a bi-weekly Krispy Kreme habit.,

So let the news go far and wide: Krispy Kreme puts meth in their doughnuts.

| Filed under War on Animals

The year of the white squirrel

We start off the new year on a terrifying note: squirrels in Florida are mutating.

Reports are coming in from eyewitnesses that a group of white squirrels now inhabit a barrier island in Florida, and authorities don’t have answers. In fact, they’ve never heard of these white creatures before. All they do know is that they’re not albinos, as they aren’t pure white.

We expect any day now that they will make their demands known.

| Filed under War on Robots

Your car will rat on you

In the horrible future, technology will we used to track your every move. There will be no more privacy. You won’t even be able to commit a crime in peace. The future is now.

If a Florida woman’s car is to be believed, she was involved in a non-fatal hit-and-run accident with a pedestrian. Police were notified by an automated system that the woman’s car had been involved in an accident, they were then patched through to the driver herself. She denied that a serious accident had happened, and went home. Police caught up with her and found that her airbag had been deployed and the front end of her car had significant damage.

It turned out that she had actually been in an accident earlier, and was fleeing that scene when she hit the pedestrian. The technology-driven police state is so bad you can’t even have two accidents in one day without being caught.

| Filed under War on Animals

Man charged with assault with spatula — or was it a turner?

The kitchen is filled with many potential weapons, an alleged bank robber learned that a spatula isn’t one of them.

In Florida (to no one’s surprise), police say Brandon Stepherson robbed a bank unarmed, then broke into a home. A man said he went outside to smoke, and when he came back inside, he saw Stepherson standing there, having armed himself with a spatula. He then threatened the man who lived there, demanding that he give Stepherson the keys to the car outside.

The spatula threat didn’t really work, and after a scuffle, Stepherson ran from the house and was soon arrested by authorities. So take note, bank robbers, if you’re looking for a getaway car, and you end up in someone’s kitchen, a spatula isn’t great for threatening. The only worse kitchen weapon would be measuring spoons.

| Filed under Booze News, Drunk of the Day

Enterprising drunk prototypes ‘Cops’ selfie

If you thought taking selfies with bears was dangerous, try taking them with beers.
If you thought taking selfies with bears was dangerous, try taking them with beers.

It feels like everything under the sun has been done when it comes to drinking. When human society exists because hunter-gatherers would rather live with cowsh*t to produce wheat for beer, there can’t be much left to discover, booze-wise, after 10,000 years of making it.

But then some gloriously inebriated genius does something so reckless, so dangerous, that even the top minds in law enforcement can’t keep up.

Lakeland, Florida police scrambled to learn what Periscope is, install it, set up an account and use it to track down a self-declared drunk driver who was live-streaming her confused journey on a flat tire. Other users reported her to the police department after finding her self-produced Cops video.

Sure, what she did was stupid and could have killed herself and others. But combining using the phone while driving, and drinking and driving, is exactly the kind of action that could get us closer to self-driving cars. And that should free up our hands for even better drunken carriage ride home videos.

We look forward to seeing what else Ms. Beall comes up with while not driving for some time.