There are things about our society I will never understand, such as mustaches, lattes and Civil War reenactors. But above all else, I do not understand the annual appeal of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It’s great that it’s the one time America cares about the education of its youth, but why does anyone watch it? It’s like sitting through a school band concert and you don’t even have a kid at that school. If you lost your job because of thin-skinned bullies this week, odds are you missed it.
Paris je déteste
This week, President Donald Trump announced that he will begin the process of pulling the U.S. out of the landmark Paris climate agreement. For some reason, people were surprised by this. Folks, this is the guy who argued that it wasn’t raining during his inauguration, when you could clearly see rain drops, umbrellas, and George W. Bush getting confused by a poncho. Of course he’s going to deny climate change. Pretty soon he’ll be arguing that the sky’s not grey.
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods earlier this week after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was pulled over on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.
Mr. Met thrown out
The New York Mets fired the actor playing Mr. Met, after video surfaced of the large baseball-headed anthropomorphic figure was seen flipping the bird at hecklers. So that ought to get that ball club back on track.
It’s no secret that Florida is utter chaos. Any time some weird arrest happens, be it Tiger Woods or some dude riding a motorcycle with his infant, it’s happening in America’s Australia. But now a mater of the universe wants to straighten things out. He-Man is running for a seat in the Florida Senate.
Miami voters will have a chance this September to vote for Christian “He-Man” Schlaerth. The candidate filed a sworn affidavit this week stating that he has gone by the nickname He-Man since well before running for office. That means his moniker will be on the ballot. Schlaerth says he acquired the nickname from his rugby playing days, and his campaign manager didn’t know his first name for weeks.
A campaign manager signed on for a candidate he only knew as “He-Man?” This is going to be a fun race to watch.
It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.
Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.
Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?
Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to killthem. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.
The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!
Jimmy Buffett is your dad’s favorite musician, and yet he has a lot in common with Kiss. Their bodies of work get far more credit than they deserve, and they both enjoy commercializing themselves in as many ways as possible because they have legions of fans who will gladly fork over cash for crap with their names on it. But Buffett may have edged out Kiss for once.
If you’re a Buffett fan, you’re looking at retirement–assuming you didn’t spend through all your savings following your dude on tour. If your coconut bra hangs lower than it used to, why not retire in a community in Florida what has the Margaritaville name on it? Latitude Margaritaville is being built in Daytona Beach, Florida and will be open to the 55-and-up crowd starting next year. The project is expected to have 7,000 (!) homes in it, all in that tacky, tropical style you love. And it’s just the first community planned.
Considering what we know about retirement homes and STD rates, this version of Margaritaville could quickly turn into Hedonism. Yeesh.
Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.
According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.
After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!
You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.
Traffic accidents kill Americans every day, and an untold number of them are caused by animals. Now the beasts are trying to get us tickets and arrests, too.
In Florida, police say a man who ran a stop sign blamed the incident on a fly that flew into his mouth. Rather than let the man go based on the undeniable veracity of his claims, the officer pressed on with his questions. He soon learned the man had no ID on him, and according to police, gave a fake name, then gave a second fake name after he was arrested.
Of course, authorities refused to see that the fly the man had swallowed was controlling what he said.
Be careful the next time you grab some doughnuts, it could land you in jail.
In Orlando, Florida, a 64-year-old man was pulled over and charged with possession of methamphetamine. Turned out to just be some glaze left over from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. At the time, cops thought it was a crystal, and some field tests found there was residue of illegal substances on the car’s dashboard. Weeks later, lab tests found there was nothing illicit at all. The only thing he was guilty of was a bi-weekly Krispy Kreme habit.,
So let the news go far and wide: Krispy Kreme puts meth in their doughnuts.