Tag: florida

Bees unleash tornado technology in WoA

Which is scarier: bees or tornados?  How about both swirled into one giant vortex of honey-baked terror?

Bees attacked a Mexican restaurant in DeLand, Florida, using a formation described by witnesses as “a tornado pattern.”  As the bees expected, everyone panicked, running to their cars and presumably shrieking like wrestling Sheiks.

We thought we were winning the war on the bee front as they began disappearing from honey farms last summer.   It turns out they were in hiding, training in new and scary flight formations in secret terrorist training camps around the world.  It is also believed they have been selling their own honey to support their insidious global campaign.

If you buy honey, you’re helping the bees win.

The peacock uprising

It has started. We knew those strange looking birds were up to something. Not to mention in Florida, everyone is up to something, even the animals.

Yes, this blog must angerly announce that peacocks have begun their hostile occupation of a neighborhood in Florida. Not much is known at this point, but over 100 peacocks have taken over the place, harassing citizens at every turn.

The worst part about it, is that peacocks are protected under Florida state law. This blog has said it from the start, when peacocks are protected, only peacocks will be outlaws.

Florida law gives wedgies to youths

There are many things that take a bag seat to more important matters. Things like two ongoing wars, a tanking economy, presidential primaries and the color of Britney’s undergarments all take a back seat when something as crucial as baggy pants is addressed.

As we reported last year, Atlanta tackled the baggy pants issue first, leading the way for the country. We have covered the national crisis since then. But the latest development comes to us from Florida, where the state legislature has just passed a law requiring students to pull up their pants for crissakes, why back in my day we never wanted our pants to be baggy or touch the ground, we even wore suspenders to ke–AHEM! Sorry about that, as far as we know that is what most Florida voters are thinking.

So just to clarify:

The great fish robbery

You may have heard about the latest commodity to start getting stolen: copper. Yes, the copper market has skyrocketed as the metal has gotten more and more precious due to the rapid growth in China.

Hey hey hey! Come back! This isn’t about the copper market!

But it seems there is a new market with a product being worth more and more. When this happens, the product comes under danger for being stolen. That product is lobster. Over 200 lbs of live lobster were stolen in Florida, probably to be sold to another seafood restaurant.

However, this blog hopes they were not stolen by a so-called animal activist group. Those lobsters are dangerous and need to be exterminated, if they are eaten in the process, that just makes it even better.

Update: Florida approves ‘evolved’ science curriculum

We’ve followed this story from one article to the next, each with its own set of flame wars between smug atheists, smug fundamentalists and the occassional scientific wet blanket.

In one heck of an upset, the state school board voted 4-3 in favor of basing all biology classes on “the scientific theory of evolution.” “The scientific theory of” was added at the urging of concerned fundies to make sure their children understand that “evolution is not a fact.”

Instead, children will learn the process behind a scientific theory, as opposed to the throw-your-hands-up and make-a-wild-guess process behind everyday theories. This should go over well.

Freeloading feline

Meatloaf was just a regular cat … we thought. This is where trusting these monsters because they are furry and sometimes look like Ewoks becomes dangerous.

Meatloaf resides in his native Florida. Why then did the cat sneak a ride all the way out to Arizona? What was the cat really after? Why hijack a a container? We are assembling a SeriousTeam to investigate the matter. But for now, beware.

Still no science curriculum for Florida

The debate to include “evolution” into Florida’s state science curriculum is still ongoing. The St. Petersburg Times reported that most teachers have been advised against teaching it, and some even omit it entirely to avoid any criticism.

In other news:

“A 1999 survey of biology teachers [emphasis ours] in Oklahoma, for example, found that 12 percent wanted to omit evolution and teach creationism instead. A similar survey in Louisiana found that 29 percent of biology teachers believed creationism should be taught, while in South Dakota, it was 39 percent.”

You gotta really hate your subject if you refuse to teach it.