Jesus was a beer man

Every now and then Jesus likes to show up in unexpected places. You know, in pieces of toast and things like that. But now our lord and savior has decided to enjoy a brew.

A man in Florida says he found Jesus, and oddly enough, he’s a fan of Corona Light. Fred Truluck was walking his dog when he spotted a fish-shaped piece of a case of beer. Jesus didn’t look like a fish, as everyone knows, but on the fish-shaped box was the outline of Jesus. Or perhaps it was just the outline of some other long-haired dude. We’ll never know.

Reptile hippie unhappy with snake hunt, Florida is shocked

Florida has a wee bit of an issue with pythons. We may have told you about that before.

In a move that probably shouldn’t surprise anyone, a species traitor reptile specialist in Florida isn’t too keen on the ongoing Python Challenge. The challenge is designed to aid the natural environment of Florida (the part that doesn’t include senior citizens, pre-zombies and Cuban pork sandwiches) by slowly but surely eradicating the invasive snakes, thus returning nature to its natural balance. Not only that, but it also pays the most successful hunter. See? Positive reinforcement!

But no, Dr. Kevin Wright thinks that feral mammals actually do more damage than the pythons and suggests that we should find ways to unearth their biology through economic means. Clearly he has no memory for the Great Snail Miami Tidal Wave of 2011. The fool. We can’t throw money at the problem to fix it, but we can throw bullets.

Senator to take B-movie action hero role in real life

If you’ve ever wondered, we’ll reveal it to you: the political affiliation of SeriouslyGuys is quasidemoderepubliraptorjesucratic. That said, if we ever move to Florida (shudder), then we resolve to always vote for Bill Nelson.

Bill Nelson, senator for Florida, began the process for banning pythons. Not one to just sit back and wait for legislation to take place, Nelson will take a very literal part in hunting the snakes down.

In a world, come Saturday, the Florida Everglades will see a little more congressional action, when Senator Bill Nelson joins a scientist and conservation employee to hunt down pythons. The invasive constrictors are opposing bills and he’s the veto-er: of their life.

Take it from Snee: Time to let Florida secede

The city of Miami will strike first.

SeriouslyGuys documented earlier this month how crazed and/or bored Internet users in mostly Southern states filed petitions to secede from the United States almost immediately after President Barack Obama won reelection. Of course, many Web sites like ours joked about letting those mostly former Confederate states go their merry, debt-filled, uninsured way.

Look, nobody most people weren’t really serious about that. Not really, anyway. While, yes, things would be simpler if the states that require the most federal money, yet never want to pay for it, struck it out on their own, we wouldn’t be the same country. Deep fried Oreos would be reclassified as “ethnic food” just because it comes from another country, and our nation’s foodies eat enough fried foreign tripe as it is.

But, what about Florida?  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to let Florida secede

Another day, another buried grenade

Perhaps you’re unaware of the great Elven/Dwarvish/Root People Hidden War of 1951. It happened a long time ago, and as it’s named, it was hidden from the masses. In the conflict, a mass of elves tried to eradicate the Root People of the Under-Colonies with the assistance of the dwarfs. This all took place under the entire state of Florida. The elves were able to do their vile business, but in doing so, relations between their people and the dwarfs were shattered forever.

Unfortunately, their tools of destruction have now been unearthed. Kids in Orange County stumbled across a buried grenade, and not too long after that, a second grenade was discovered.

People of the world beneath the dirt, please come forward and let it be known where your former weapons of war and ruin lie. If you don’t, you’ll have to be unwittingly added into a commercial backed by Sarah McLachlan, and no one wants that to happen.

Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.

That’s gonna need a lot of Visine

We’re going to need a bigger gun.

Last week in Pompano Beach, Florida, a man was fulfilling one part of his dating profile and enjoying a long walk on the beach, when out of nowhere, he stumbled upon an eyeball. A big eyeball. A really big eyeball. And by really big, I mean a softball sized eyeball.

No one, not even science, can currently tell us the origins of said ocular organ, but it’s being studied by more scientists in St. Petersburg. Speculation is that it could be that of a tuna, a swordfish, a giant squid … or something else.

People, we can’t wait on science to figure out what this behemoth is as that could be too late. The only thing we can do is burn all of the ocean.

Aim higher sir, aim higher!

We all know that cops sometimes get free things. At my IHOP, if you use a coupon, you have to sign a folder that’s listed as “Coupons/Police.” They get to use the siren on their car and never have a headache. Sometimes they even get extra-sized portions of food at places. And best of all, they get to have syrup-chugging contests.

These are perks for real cops, not people that impersonate the fuzz. That said, it’s understandable for why people might want to impersonate them. So if you’re gonna go, go big, right?

Somehow, I don’t think McDonald’s qualifies as big.

Simply put, we need a better breed of criminals.

Catch a ‘tee and you’re sitting on top of the world

Ana Gloria Garcia Gutierrez turned herself in, ending one of the shortest manhunts in history. Her crime? The care-free, very slow sport of manatee riding.

Guitierrez was caught on camera, riding a couple of ‘tees at Fort De Soto Park. She says that she is new to the area, so she didn’t know that it’s a violation of the Florida Manatee Sanctuary Act to “annoy, molest, harass, or disturb” them, a law that was originally passed to prosecute sexual harassment cases against pirates.

Folk, do not make Guiterrez’s mistake. Riding manatees, no matter how tempting, is illegal and will possibly give you warts. (They’re a type of frog, right?) By sitting on top of one, you’re preventing boats from hitting Florida’s maritime speed bumps, and unimpeded motorboats are dangerous.