Tag: florida

Republican Alabamians go full-Mormon for Romney

Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.

So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.

Alligators: the newest pool-time fun buddy

Hey there parents! Got a party for that bratty kid coming up, but have no idea what to do? Need to top your next door neighbors with showing your kids just how much you faux-love them? Do you live near Kenneth City, Florida?

Then, buddy, do we have the solution for you.

Normal parties are so lame. It’s time for the new hotness: an alligator in your pool! That’s right, for what’s surely a (small, nominal) fee, Bob Barrett, owner of Alligator Attractions, will bring his alligator, Burger, to entertain the kids in your pool. Oh, no worries, as the alligator will have its mouth sealed up.

Nothing to worry about there. Except for the unmentioned claws of the reptile. And the gator poop. OH, THE GATOR POOP!

‘So long, and thanks for all the fish hooks’

Everyone loves the king of the sea, and Beggar was the sea’s Henry VIII. But now the king is dead. (Long live the king!)

Beggar, a dolphin famous for begging for food from boaters in Florida, has died of cheeseburger-related illness. That’s according to biologists who found fish hooks, squid beaks (which are not part of a dolphin’s daily balanced breakfast) and ulcers in his partially-decomposed belly. Beggar was also dehydrated, which, for living underwater is nearly impossible unless fed a highly salty, bacon-wrapped diet.

So, well done, animal warriors. Your efforts have demonstrated that the second quickest way to stopping a dolphin’s heart is through his stomach.

The cost of the war is crippling

We may be winning the war on animals, but it sure is taking its toll on us, financially.

This war has officially transitioned into one of attrition. With our economic times still being lower than they need to be, we need to finish this battle quickly.

World’s “greatest” eater wins contest, (probably) destroys colon

A man by the name of Joey Chestnut marched his way down to Clearwater, Florida, to take part in the Hooters World Wing Eating Championship. He managed to win the contest by consuming 144 wings in 10 minutes.

15 minutes later, a toilet was violently assaulted.

“I have never seen anyone eat that many wings or eat that quickly,” said one Hooter’s Girl.

I don’t think anything sums up the story like that quote.

Can I get a price-check on a 1-year-old?

There are a few do’s and don’t’s when it comes to shoplifting. The Guys won’t dare tell you the do’s because we enjoy being free citizens of this country; however, we will say that there’s probably one big don’t that you should put above all else: don’t leave any evidence back at the store that can incriminate you.

Examples of this can be:

Shot through the head, and you’re to blame

Doctors and staff from the University of Miami/Jackson Memorial Hospital and the Army Trauma Training Center are declaring one lucky young man’s recovery from a spear to the head nothing short of “a miracle,” adding that — now that he’s OK — the injury itself really raises the bar on 1970s Steve Martin impersonations.

Let it never be said that medical professionals don’t understand the principal of “too soon.”

Petty theft is a helluva drug

In what appears to be our unintentionally continuing coverage of the Broward County court system, a young man who was already serving probation for multiple petty theft convictions has been arrested again, this time for stealing the nameplate from a judge’s courtroom door.

Police arrested Steven Mulhall after pictures of him with Broward Circuit Judge Michael Orlando’s courtroom nameplate were found on Facebook following a recent court appearance. He will now face felony charges for the burglary, valued at $40.

We hate to blame the victim here, but how can Broward County expect to rehabilitate a convicted thief if they insist on not fastening their property down with spot welding or crazy glue? If it can hold a construction worker by his helmet, it can change lives, man.

SyFy channel problem salted over

It was horrible. It was disgusting. It was demeaning to the hotness of the city. It was the great Giant African land snail invasion of Miami 2011. Molluscs nearly a foot in size had invaded, taking their oozing and slimy talents to South Beach. It would not stand.

And it didn’t.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to bring you news that the Battle of Little Big Shell may now be over. Recently, over 37 thousand spineless monsters have been captured and more are being discovered by the day. The brave warriors in Florida’s agriculture department have uncovered these abominations, helping to prevent valuable crops from being destroyed, house damage and the spread of rat lungworm.

God speed, you courageous men and women. Don’t let the invertebrates win.

Take it from Snee: Judge John Hurley, the Mikado

The Mikado in the eponymous Gilbert and Sullivan play sings that, as the most humane Mikado in all of Japanese history, he believes that every punishment should fit its crime. And certainly a no more humane judge did in Florida exist than Judge John Hurley, who recently sentenced a husband in a domestic abuse case to time with his wife.

While a lesser judge might have sentenced Joseph Bray to jail time for, as his wife Sonja described, shoving her to the sofa and grabbing her by the neck, Judge Hurley recognized this the way any Floridian would: a happy birthday chokeslam. (The two were fighting because Joseph failed to wish his wife a happy birthday.)

So, that’s why the judge ruled that they must:

  1. Consume flowers. (That’s why women always need more, right?)
  2. Go to Red Lobster.
  3. Go bowling, a bloodsport that — in my experience — has settled more marriages than any other besides Monopoly.

After all, this whole incident boiled down to what Judge Hurley described as a “very, very minor” example of domestic violence. It’s only assault if it happens in a bar, workplace or anywhere else that isn’t your living room.

Not only do I offer Judge John Hurley my congratulations on a verdict well reached, but I wish him a long and illustrious career over other cases. Cases like: Continue reading Take it from Snee: Judge John Hurley, the Mikado