Tag: florida

Did we say ‘Warrior of the Week?’

… Because we should have said “of the Century” or “of All Time.”

Kasey Edwards’ story is not over, meat-eaters.* After losing his arm to and gouging the eye out of an alligator, you’d think he’d hang up his frog suit and harpoon gun for good.

And you’d be thinking wrong, because he’s now leading others into action:

“‘It’s a problem that needs to be dealt with,’ victim Kasey Edwards said. ‘The alligators — the population needs to be brought down.'”

[Emphasis ours, but we assume was his, too. He probably slammed his good fist into the table for each bold-faced word.]

Admiral Edwards, we are prepared to hand our brown water navy over to you. (Hope you like fanboats!) And after you rid Florida of the scaly horde, we’ve got an international mission for you.

*Hey, vegetarians. You can hate animals, too. It’s called sport hunting or target practice. Look into it.

Warrior of the Week: Kasey Edwards

Sometimes animals are so scary that we’re ready to give up and die after one bite.

Not so for Kasey Edwards, who was attacked by an 11-foot alligator while swimming in Lake Okeechobee, Florida. The “gator,” as the locals call it, chomped off his arm about “4 inches above the elbow.”

Did this faze Edwards? Not at all.

“It was a pretty humbling experience,” said Edwards, who was difficult to understand because his ginormous testicles kept getting in the way.

He stared down the “gator” for 10 seconds, and then gouged the scaly beast’s eye out with one of his remaining five fingers.

We salute you, Mr. Edwards. Not only did you kick an alligator’s ass, but you did it just like in the movies.

Update (6/27/2008):
For those just tuning in to this article, SeriouslyGuys has updated Mr. Edwards’ hero-status!

Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls

Officially past the quarter mark of the 2008 MLB season and we’ve had some surprises, some things we’ve expected and the last place Yankees. We’re going to size up the top teams in each league, then give you the one team to look out for. Us in the sporting world call this the “wild card,” look it up.

AL East
At 31-20 the newly christened Tampa Bay Rays have the best percentage mark thus far. I really like the Rays, their young talent is spry and standing tall like a seasoned porn vet. The longevity of this club to sustain season-long success isn’t going to hold though. It’s going flop like Ron Jeremy staring down a donkey. Don’t expect the Yankees to finish in the cellar, but don’t expect them to beat out Boston or Tampa either. The Rays’ pitching will falter down the stretch, and look for the Sox to take the crown, but the Rays in the wild card. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls

Immigration turns dangerous in Florida

Let’s face it, Florida is a bad place to live. Between the danger posed by the local wildlife and threats of civil war, it’s just not worth hanging around the state. Georgia doesn’t even like being near it.

But now there’s another reason, as if one was needed, to be very, very afraid while within the Floridian borders: a python invasion. That’s right, Florida is being invaded by pythons, and not just any pythons, GIANT pythons. The worst part is that they may invade other southern states in a reverse of General Sherman’s March to the Sea.

The apologist media likes to believe that the python threat is the result of pets getting out or being released into the wild, then repopulating in an area not their native land. But we here know they are just the latest wave of illegal immigrants coming from South America.

Warrior of the Week

Florida can be dangerous place to be. They’ve got swamps crawling with members of Al-igator and other creatures. But they also have something many people don’t think about: bobcats.

Elaine Grace, 57, was walking her dog when a bobcat attacked her. The woman was not a goner, however, she only got mad, and wrestled the big cat to the ground and pinned it. The animal refused to cry uncle, so she was forced to hold it in place until passersby heard the commotion and came to help.

Grace was treated for minor injuries, the bobcat was euthenized on the spot to send a message to all others in the Tallahassee bobcat community. We salute Grace for her bravery, hope she gets better soon.

Defense #1: The walled city of Disney World


A call to arms has been sounded in Florida, and judging by the state’s population, the call will likely be answered with semi-automatic weaponry. One south Florida city is calling to secede from the Union. Well, rather, just break away from the top half of Florida to become its own state.

This will likely spark a civil war between the North and South. The South fighting for its independence, the North fighting to preserve the United State of Florida. The future of Florida hangs like a chad in the balance.

This blog can see now, the potential horrors that lie ahead: brother pitted against brother, elderly Jewish people against the tight shirt-clad Latinos. Oh, the horror. We will likely see the South appeal to Cuba and its mighty navy to assist in the fight, but the pleas will go unheeded. Meanwhile, the fighting will remain around the middle section of the state, until the North invades the South, pillaging and razing trendy night clubs as it goes.

This serves as further evidence that the Union is falling apart.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

People get older over time (including children)

With the May releases of blockbusters trickling out, it’s obvious that it is now summer. (Hear that sound? It’s children on your lawn! Remember: shoot first, then drag them onto your porch.)

With summer here, it’s also time for the press to go on vacation while entertaining their interns with puppet shows, magic tricks and lists. The most popular list, of course, is the “Child Stars: Then and Now” rehash that gets updated every year.

Today’s lazy adventure in Internet slide shows comes to you courtesy of Florida’s Sun-Sentinel.com.

Bonus Fun Fact:
Apparently Prince William was a child star.

Inmates on the loose!

Attention residents of Florida, be on the lookout for the Lakeland 15.

Authorities say 15 monkeys have escaped from a modern day Alcatraz for primates. The monkeys escaped by swimming across a pond from the island where they were being held. How lax can security be? Do they not know that monkeys can swim? It’s only gorillas that are afraid of water (if the Congo tells us anything about life).

They claim the monkeys are not dangerous, but we know better. These supermonkeys obviously are hellbent on bringing an end to life in Florida, which is the sole job of Floridians. We would tell you to arm yourselves, but we already know you did.

You win some, you lose some

We have finally figured out how to eliminate those annoying dolphins as a species (aside from humiliating them to death for tourist shows). SeaWorld, the world’s largest chain for aquatic gulags, has managed to kill a dolphin as part of its show.

Sharky the dolphin was performing some sort of aerial stunt when it hit another dolphin in a mid-air collision. Now THAT’s entertainment! In the War on Animals, it is always great to see people showing initiative and eliminating the great dolphin threat.

Sadly, we lost one of our boys on the West Coast recently. An animal trainer in California paid the ultimate price in this crazy, mixed-up war, when a “friendly” grizzly bear he was wrestling with bit him on the neck. We proudly salute our fallen comrade. May he go where the bears and their hunts for picanic baskets cannot reach him.

Finally, many of our readers have been clamoring for mention of the shark attack in San Diego last week. There, we said it.