Ask Dr. Snee: Cold, flu and Ebola season

Before you leave, I need a new iPad. This one is covered in illegible doctor's handwriting.
Before you leave, I need a new iPad. This one is covered in illegible doctor’s handwriting.

Hello, reader. According to these notes from the nurse who just examined you, “Dr. Snee is a horse’s ass who never reads charts and just gives everyone antibiotics.”

Ahem.

Well, it looks like I’m a horse’s ass who can read, thank you Nurse Lattimer, and I’m prescribing you about six months’ worth of penicillin for what’s about to be a chronic case of Unemployment in This Job Market. (You can find that in the Big Doctor’s First Medical Picture Book under “E. tadick.”)

Looks like the waiting room is backing up, so let’s get to the mail bag. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Cold, flu and Ebola season

Live tweet your vomit

If you’re one of Her Majesty’s loyal subjects, and you’re coming down with some sort of bug, it’s your civic duty to tweet about it, and be as graphic as possible.

The U.K. Food Standards Agency has found that sifting through social media can help determine where spikes in illnesses, like the flu, are happening. This will allow officials to track such outbreaks faster than ever. And that’s why it’s relying on people to go to social media to report their symptoms.

Folks, this is why we fight socialized medicine here in the U.S.

Warning: Butt cancer level … rising

After yesterday’s news that only one in four people know about their HIV-positive-life-outlook, clothing manufacturers and Science! are stepping up to the plate.

They are developing clothes that can detect cancer, mask your outrageous B.O. and even prevent the cold and flu.

And if we’ve received any indication from the auto industry, it’s that these new hybrid clothes will look just dandy on all you swells, too.

Photoshopper’s note:
Coincidentally, I just happened to restumble upon the world’s oldest “hole in the sand” joke for the second time today. Women farting on dates is a classic, folks.

Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

A couple of weeks ago, I addressed how woefully inaccurate my predictions turned out for 2008. I have two responses for that:

  1. Shut up. You try predicting the future. It’s really, really hard.
  2. My vision was tainted by proximity. Predicting 2008 was like trying to read with my nose against the page.

So that is why I am continuing my series of 2028 news predictions. In twenty years, my clairvoyance will be so recognized that Suri Cruise will beg to be the new me. (By then, Scientology will be the equivalent of today’s Mormons.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters

Every few years, I find that it’s time to clean out the old lexicon. Everyday language is a constantly evolving collection of trendy phrases from movies, literature, music and–as The Guys would like to think–blogs.

But as time marches on, those phrases cease to remain useful. Sometimes they’re no longer relevant, other times they’ve been brow-beaten so low that they no longer hold any real meaning. It’s time to flush these five clichés so we can make room for newer, more interesting terms.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters