The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

Christmas is in the air. Well, that and a strong dose of car exhaust from cars idling in mall parking lots waiting for a space to open up. Yet, for some reason to me it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Sure, I can listen to “Blue Christmas” or watch the timeless holiday classic Bad Santa, but where’s the Christmas cheer? Where are the people smiling to each other and wishing a merry Christmas? More importantly, why am I not rushing around to get my holiday shopping done? It just isn’t Christmas because I’m done with my shopping.

I’ve had my own private little Christmas tradition since I have been a productive member of society. I figure out what everyone on my list wants shortly after Thanksgiving, and then I wait until Dec. 23 to buy anything. For some reason this year I didn’t. I’m sorry, America. I went shopping and last week I got everything done. How can you ever trust me after I ruined Christmas? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

Take it from Snee: Vampires are totally real

Look, if you bring up Twilight to some of The Guys, they’ll all *pfft* and follow that up with a terse “whatevah.” (I know: we can be so mean.)

However, I can no longer remain silent. You see, young teenage girls who aren’t my wife, I’m … different. I’ve rejected all the limited, childish behaviors of my food-eating peers. I’ve seen dark things, terrible things. I’ve sipped immortality on gossamer wings wearing platform Doc Martins.

I guess what I’m trying to say … what I’m trying to tell you … but, what if you don’t like me? My kind is so lonely that I would give anything to spend all my time hanging out with a nice, less popular girl who likes art. We could talk about your hair.

Enough, my heart is tormented in a bleak darkness that I will no longer bear: I am a vampire. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Vampires are totally real

One jive turkey indeed

We’ve long overlooked the turkey in the War on Animals. We serve their legs at Renn Faires, grind them up for low-fat meatballs and even tease them with one Presidential pardon a year for Thanksgiving.

It is our complacency that has led turkeys to embrace terrorist tactics. Unable to fight with us directly, they have resorted to the first of what may be many suicide attacks on government buildings. In their first attack, one flew into the window of a Lubbock county courthouse.

If we can pardon them, then we can try them in military tribunals. We recommend bringing General Butterball — and possibly Colonel Sanders in the event of a chicken insurgency — to the Pentagon immediately.


No applause needed. ZOOOOOOOOM!Hey there, everyone! Quick question time: what’s the newest breakthrough in awesome?

Mother loving jet-packs, that’s what.

Now, what’s really interesting is that the pilot comments on how controlling the thing means essentially going completely limp. That’s so really easy to do when you’re flying in the air. If you could get a helmet with a surface bleed system, so that it leaked just a tiny bit of the air across your face, you would know what heaven felt like.  The only downside to the system: you need to be lifted to start the process. Oh, and Cobra Commander would totally use the technology for world domination and other wacky terrorist hi-jinx.

I think Ace McCloud would approve.