You Missed It: Canberra calling edition

A diplomatic incident with Australia? ‘Simpsons’ did it!

I’m not a Trump supporter, but I think I know what it’s like to be one. After all, I’m a New England Patriots fan. I know what it’s like to be part of a group that has clearly had the rules systematically bent in their favor, only to develop a persecution complex when things don’t go our way once or twice. Also, I’ve talked myself into believing that the leader of my team doesn’t really mean it when he supports questionable political ideas. Most of the country hates us, but we win anyway. No wonder Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are friends with this Trump guy. If you were busy this week taking weird photos to announce that you are pregnant with twins, odds are you missed it.

Trump vs. Australia
This week, President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. I don’t know if the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Attention whore gets attention in attention-grabbing move
In the most predictable news story of the week, alt-right white nationalist darling Milo Yiannopoulos was forced to cancel his speaking engagement at Berkeley due to student protests. Yiannopoulos and his supporters criticized the violence conducted by some demonstrators, including a big fire, but really, they were just upset they couldn’t throw books into it.

Don’t eat fast food packaging
And finally, scientists revealed this week that chemicals used to block grease in fast food containers are leeching into our burgers, fries and burritos. Great plan, guys, telling Americans that fast food is bad for them hasn’t worked so far, but why not try it again?

If you give a chimp bananas foster …

Chimps are also learning language so that they can ask us to stick our heads in the oven for 10 - 15 minutes before they attempt to eat our faces.
Chimps are also learning language so that they can ask us to stick our heads in the oven for 10 – 15 minutes before they attempt to eat our faces.

As humans, we used to be privileged. While animals have always been able to poop outside and reach their genitals for a “bath,” humans enjoyed rights that were special to only us. We got to hunt with guns. We got to wear hip glasses instead of eating our near-sighted young. We got to eat cooked food, not the raw termites and cans of Alpo that animals were OK with.

But no more! Now chimpanzees would like to send their steak back, please, this is under cooked for their tastes, even if the menu says medium rare means a warm red center. Yep, they want cooked food now, but they can’t do it themselves. Guess who’s gonna cook it for them? People, and maybe not even just women.

Fortunately, humans are still occasionally gaining a right over animals. Namely, we’re the only ones allowed to swim with babes in wetsuits now. Eat it, whales! Eat it raw!

‘Tis better to have loved and lost weight

"Thanks to oxytocin, I only ate one fistful of chocolate cheese cake. The resulting orgasm was a little embarrassing, though."
“Thanks to oxytocin, I only ate one fistful of chocolate cheese cake. The resulting orgasm was a little embarrassing, though.”

Researchers at Harvard Medical School in Boston tested an oxytocin nasal spray on men to measure its effect on appetite and food choices. The Guys don’t have to explain oxytocin — the hormone that makes both finches and humans feel like they’re in love — to our regular readers. (And we just did to non-regular readers. How about that?)

On average, overweight and obese men who inhaled a spritz of oxytocin ate 122 fewer calories in general and 80 fewer calories from fat at breakfast than those who sucked down some placebo. So, while oxytocin does help men feel more in love with people, it has no effect on man’s love of bacon. Of course, it’s entirely possible that it’s impossible for men to love bacon any more than we already do, and no spray can make us love 110 percent.

Unfortunately, oxytocin nasal spray is not available for sale in the U.S., so you’ll either have to order it from Europe or just moon extra hard during your meals.

The McBournie Minute: A feast emerges

We’re just days away from a terrible invasion. Underground cells will rise up and begin their terror on us. It’s going to be a gruesome summer, and there’s nothing the government can do about it. For 17 years, cicadas have been hidden underground, hibernating, growing and waiting for their chance to take over the East Coast.

They’re preparing to rise up once again this summer. Once the ground temperature reaches the right level, these fat insects are going to crawl out of their holes and start annoying the hell out of everyone with their loud chirps. It’s going to be an unpleasant summer, unless you’re a windshield washer.

But did you know that you can eat cicadas? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A feast emerges

Bonobos discover two-thirds of human ‘date night’

"Hey, baby. How's about dinner at my place followed by bananas foster?"
“Hey, baby. How’s about dinner at my place followed by bananas foster?”

We already that bonobos, one of our closest ape relatives, do it people-style (i.e., face-to-face just long enough until it’s OK to switch to doggy-style). But, their theft of human mating rituals has just gone too far. According to a new study, bonobos offer food to strangers to make friends and do so more often than with already established friends and family.

People, do you know what this means? Apes are asking each other “out to dinner” with an implied furry dessert. They’re only a movie away from co-opting human date night.

Soylent Green no longer people in Oklahoma

A state bill is on its way through the Oklahoma legislature preventing human fetuses from being used in food. This has resulted in one question by many people: “Why exactly was this needed?”

Senator Ralph Shortey claims to have research that reveals food industry companies having used human stem cells in the creation of items, including artificial flavors. Though it’s not known if anyone outside of Shortey and his group have seen this research, the bill has nonetheless been introduced and awaits discussion from Shortey’s peers. Have no fear, though, as the bills makes no mention of animal fetuses. Connoisseurs of super-veal, you’re still okay.

We would like to pass on something Senator Shortey: if The Guys are not given 100 thousand non-taxable dollars in the next three months, the world will explode. We’re not saying at all that we will cause the world to explode or even do any damage; however, we do have major intel that only we need see to substantiate this claim.

It’s a golden age for the Australian food industry

In Australia, you can now build a whole meal around cannabis. It’s being reported that ice cream, cake and beer made with pot have been given the green light in spite of fears that the “marijuana munchies” could trigger their own red light. Isn’t that just a fantastic name: “the marijuana munchies.” Nothing says panic like terms out of the roaring twenties.

The decision results from an appeal by Andrew Katelaris, a former doctor who was de-registered for supplying medical marijuana to patients, who said,

“Our vision is that anything you can do with soy beans or dairy you can do better with hemp seed.”

In fact, Food Standards Australia New Zealand found that industrial hemp contained such low levels of the psychedelic ingredient known as THC that no one eating food containing it would feel the effect. FSZNZ even went as far as to say that “hemp seed is nutritious food containing sizeable amounts of protein, polyunsaturated fats and dietary fiber.”

The best news about this? Maybe hemp advocates will stop making those ugly macrame bags and turn their attention to food. But honestly, I won’t lose any sleep if they go with just the former.

The Real Story: Earmarks possibly banned via earmark

No, the headline above is not a LOL; it’s purely observation of a phenomenon witnessed only in Washington D.C. and Mr. Magoo’s torture cellar:  clueless execution. And, as Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Okla. hoped, the Associated Press missed it in the midst of their story about an FDA bill.

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. got an agreement to move the legislation by allowing Republicans to offer amendments not relevant to the bill. […] Coburn is expected to offer an amendment to place a moratorium on spending for ‘earmarks,’ or pet projects in lawmakers’ states and districts[.]”

Alright, technically, it’s not an earmark. But it sure ain’t a straightforward bill, neither.

Take it from Snee: What isn’t art

In the weeks following Roger Ebert’s tweet (ugh) about video games never being art, I decided to try something new. Instead of instantly reacting and writing, I thought. And read. And observed. And then I thought some more. I may have also masturbated to a Michaelangelo. But, then I thought about that.

Point is: you can call this a slow reaction to a story that everyone has already had his or her say on. I call it deliberate.

You see, Ebert brought up an excellent idea, perhaps without realizing it (though I wouldn’t put it past the cheeky booger-monger). What do we consider art, and more importantly, why isn’t it? Video games can’t be the only field that millions of people–including the artists that work on them–mistake for art.

So, after a lot of revoked library cards and expulsion from every major art gallery with a listing on Craigslist, I have come back from the wilderness, not to tell you what art is, but what isn’t art. Continue reading Take it from Snee: What isn’t art

Come on in for 75 cent wings!

If you like wings, you’re not alone. Buffalo, barbecue, etc., they are growing in popularity, and that’s actually not a good thing.

Because so many jerks out there like the same bar food that you do, the price of chicken wings is increasing this year. Wings have increased in price by 39% since the 1970s, even with inflation. Last year they cost $1.47 per pound. So we’ll see if gas or wings make it to $3 first.

This is now creating a market for my new idea: buffalo chicken feet!