Tag: food

How To: Joke about the new president

Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.

In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.

But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?

Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Continue reading How To: Joke about the new president

They’re all just the right size now

While it can be debated for years on end why our country went to war, just keep in mind-at least we’re not arguing about food. Specifically, the shape of food.

Yes, in ol’ Blighty, the government has spent its time arguing about the shape of food. Not the condition of the food. Not the amount of food. Not even the color of food. No, for year, people have gotten out of shape (*rimshot*) over whether a banana was too bendy. Yes, you read that right. Too bendy.

Well, remorse no more, losers of the colonies! Yes, food that you would expect to be grown in either Chernobyl or on the moon (by Mooninites, mind you) can now find its way back into the markets run by Oliver Twist-esque street youths. Huzzah!

Sadly, there are two items that are still not on the list of foods: minstrels and hobos. Well, we’ll give them time…

Take it from Snee: Now I know what sex is like

Alright, so I threw away my broken toys last week and got married. I have now played with man things, like post-season baseball, college football and even dabbled in tuning out my wife. Yes, like a butterfly emerging forth from my basement cocoon, I have unfurled my wings to let the light beer of my college years drip off and become … a married comedy writer.

But don’t worry, SeriouslyReaders. I’m not about to turn “Take it from Snee” into Tim Allen’s next sitcom. No, I have more to bring you this week than anecdotes about my wedding. (Take my wife, for instance … please!)

No, I’ve also turned into an international man. You see, for two whole days, I had the honor–nay, privilege–of holding a temporary Bermuda driver’s license. Bermuda, of course, is an overseas territory of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II; therefore, I was Her Sovereign’s humble subject for two glorious days in the oldest remaining British colony!

So, as a married man who’s now seen how the rest of the world lives, let me share a few insights with you ugly Americans. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Now I know what sex is like

How To: Beat addiction

So, if you followed last week’s How To, you got your band back together. How’s it going? Oh, you say your big reunion tour’s over already? That’s OK, because every band goes through a couple of false starts before the big reunion (see: every Van Halen attempt to reunite with Diamond Dave).

But before that happens, it’s time to evaluate what went wrong. Just like any breakup, we’ll bet dollars to donuts that it failed for the same reason that led to your first breakup: addiction. Also, you should probably change your socks.

The Guys love you very much, but we hate to see you hurting yourself. That’s why we’ve written this intervention: how to beat addiction. Continue reading How To: Beat addiction

The McBournie Minute: Losing weight is tricky

It’s no secret that the average American is overweight. It is also no secret that Americans are obsessed with beauty, though not always their own. As summer is approaching, people left and right are trying to find ways to look good for the beach.

To do this, people try every diet under the sun. It seems every few months there is a new diet fad that comes out. All of a sudden, Americans flock to cut back on carbs, calories or what have you, while trying to eat what they enjoy. This is, of course, really stupid, because no one holds to a diet. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Losing weight is tricky