We like big toes and we cannot lie

Ladies, we know that the media perpetuates a certain image of feminimity to send you a message: you’re fat, ugly and need to know at least 300 more ways to “wow” us in bed before you’re lovable, too.

But, let The Guys be the first to say that, aside from counting your toes, we don’t care about your feet.* Now, let’s not get crazy here: we’re not about to suck those foot thumbs. We’ve seen commercials and know that’s where computer animated yellow monsters live. (Also, they spontaeously break out into flames without tough-actin’ Tinactin.) And no amount of surgical procedures is going to change that …

… Unless you get bigger tits. Then we might do anything you ask. But, seriously, leave those hooves alone.

*Yes, we’ve heard tales of “foot fetishists,” but those are just a modern re-imagining of shoemaking elves. Those still exist, by the way, but they go by the name “Daniel Day-Lewis” now.