Things always get weird around the World Cup. It’s been eight years since Paul the Octopus correctly predicted all of Germany’s matches, and then died. A new octopus has risen to the challenge, and got straight-up murdered for it.
Rabiot correctly predicted all three of Japan’s matches in the opening round of the 2018 World Cup, but his psychic abilities and sudden game weren’t enough to save his life. The giant Pacific octopus was chopped up and sent to the market as seafood, according to reports.
The Guys, of course, cheer Japan’s decision to treat its food like food, no matter how endearing it might become. We can’t risk having psychic octopi living long enough to overtake us.
The World Cup is going strong, and in Tokyo, soccer fans decided to go strongly, and all at the same time, during a recent match.
The city’s plumbing system was put to the test at halftime as Japan played Colombia. Fans across the city collectively decided to hold it for the better part of an hour, then they all unleashed the fury after the first half. The mass migration to the bathroom caused Tokyo’s water usage to rise 24%, and then after the game, it rose 50%.
As we understand it, there are several more games to be played, so the city will be put to the test several more times in the days ahead. Let’s hope everyone has a safe go of it.
I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.
The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.
More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.
Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!
Quick, think of the three people physically closest to you right now. If you’re alone, just think of three people you happen to know. Good. Now, do you believe that God decides the outcome of sporting events? If you answered “no,” at least one of the three people said “yes.”
We made it into 2013. We survived the hangovers on New Year’s Day, but there’s one hangover we’re not over yet: the holiday hangover. After weeks of everything everywhere telling us that we are in the midst of a special time of year, it’s just over. We have to go back to regular schedules and act like we’re not special anymore. What’s worse is that it’s January, which means it’s cold and miserable, and you’re probably getting over an illness you picked up from a party. If you were busy announcing you’re going to ESPN after your retirement, odds are you missed it.
Happy fiscal cliff!
This week, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.
Close the door, have a seat
It was a bloodbath at the end of the NFL regular season. As soon as the games were over, seven teams took no time in letting their coaches go. In fact, Andy Reid was actually fired before the Philadelphia Eagles’ final game, but he coached anyway, which is kind of a metaphor for the team’s entire season. But don’t feel bad, kids. Reid just signed with the Kansas City Chiefs. He’s going from cheese steaks to ribs!
Qatari news network Al-Jazeera announced the purchase of Current TV, a left-leaning channel formed in part by former Vice President Al Gore. “I always knew the Democrats were on the side of the terrorists,” said every crazy person with Internet access.
The Dallas Cowboys had a pretty bad season. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t what Dallas fans were hoping for. The season was capped by a loss to the rival Washington Redskins, a game in which quarterback Tony Romo seemed unable to throw to anyone but the other team.
The NFL’s Chargers of the city of A Whale’s Vagina have suffered very low attendance records. Given the team’s records over the past decade, that’s understandable: they’re the essentially the reverse New York Giants, being hot in the beginning of the season and then crashing harder Lilo driving on the 405 on a Friday night. As such, they suffer a possible fourth consecutive television blackout on Sunday.
Clive Palmer, an Australian mining magnate, owns a soccer (or football) team. Not only does he own a team, but he founded an expansion team in Football Federation Australia for the expressed purpose of owning one. And after watching game after lackluster game, week after stultifying week since 2008, he’s finally learned what Eriq La Salle already knew in Coming to America: soccer kinda blows.
“‘I don’t even like the game,’ Palmer told Brisbane’s Sunday Mail. ‘I think it’s a hopeless game.'”
Palmer’s comments come after yet another disappointing week in ticket sales in which only 1723 spectators showed up to watch Palmer’s Gold Coast United face the Adelaide United. Even if you disagree with his assessment, you know your sport lacks any spark of interest when teams can’t bother to come up with individual names.
This is equally important to keep in mind when your high school football team seemingly consists of 20 people or less than that amount. Oh, and if you’re one of those 20 people. I mean, even my bumpkin cow-town high school was able to fit more than 30 people on our roster.
Admittedly, we’re discussing the World Cup far more than we anticipated, because the football that we know and love is played with your hands, but just because America yawns at the tournament doesn’t mean that the animals don’t see the high-value target that is an international event such as this.
The Germans have not been able to go outside their hotel room except to go play or practice. They have been holed up for weeks now, but they are just now being allowed to go into town, where it is safe. Why can’t they just walk around the hotel grounds? Big friggin’ iguanas. That’s why.
“Normally nothing should happen walking there but if you go too close to the river then the iguanas, and they are quite big, can swing their tails and have been known to break several bones. Luckily nothing of that sort has happened yet,” said German team Manager Oliver Bierhoff, which sounds like a name you laughed at in middle school.