Pretty soon the wildebeests will join in

If you watched the U.S.-England game on Saturday, you already heard about this, but you’re American, so you probably didn’t see it. The world is against us at the World Cup, but the animals are, too.

The American team was held up from a training session before Saturday’s game because of an elephant. The team had to wait about five minutes while the elephant pretended the bus wasn’t there, and ate something off a nearby tree.

And get this: it’s the second time it’s happened to the U.S. team since they got to South Africa. Well, we know who the animals aren’t routing for.

We’ll be seeing more of these in the next month

Do you have World Cup fever yet, America? If you don’t, here’s how we suggest you catch it: pass out drunk in a strange city on a cold night.

That’s exactly what an Australian backpacker did in Johannesburg, South Africa, better known as the city in District 9. The man was woken up by a local politician–because he was passed out in his driveway. The “football” fanatic thought he was in Cape Town, which is about 900 miles from Jo-burg.

Looks like he’s got some more backpacking to do.

You Missed It: Five hundred thousand penny edition

Guess who’s baaaaack? That’s right, Bryan McBournie is off on vacation, which means you’re stuck with me for this week’s edition of YMI. He’s off in glorious Florida at the moment. I’m not. Now, I’m not saying that you should hunt him down and ruin his vacation, but if you do see him, it wouldn’t exactly be a crime against nature to tell him that the Pats suck. If you were busy implementing a silly social media function all over the internet, odds are you missed it.

The Bay area just can’t handle their alcohol

Nothing says internet sensation like the newest Apple product, and boy, was the internet abuzz this week. A programmer at Apple managed to lose the prototype to the newest iPhone model at a bar. Said prototype was then found by a random patron and subsequently sold to tech website Gizmodo, who, after some time, had to send the prototype to Apple. Easy come, easy go, right? Tell that to the rumored six million hits that Gizmodo experienced on just Tuesday alone.

It’s not real if it’s not true

Even though the 2010 schedules just came out, it’s a bit too early for Bryan Schools to do his predictions. Nonetheless, you might not want to put all your eggs in the Saints’ basket: quarterback Drew Brees has been selected to be the cover athlete for Madden 11 and possible occupant of the Madden Curse. Brees claims that a curse can’t happen if he doesn’t let it, while other possible candidates for the game cover, Jared Allen and Reggie Wayne, simply breathed humongous sighs of relief.

This is the stuff that boggles my mind

Larry King and current wife Shawn Southwick were set to get experience the trials of a divorce (it’s about that time of the year for him) but have appeared to call it off. The reason for it to happen? It wasn’t rumors that she was boinking a youth baseball coach (as those were confirmed by the coach), but by the rumors that King was boinking Southwick’s sister. HUH? HE’S 76 YEARS OLD AND AT DEATH’S DOOR WITH EVERY SECOND THAT PASSES! HOW, NAY, WHY WOULD WOMEN BE ATTRACTED TO HIM AT ALL?

You Missed It: Wooooooooooooo! edition

It’s the end of the week for most of you reading this. Because for you, it is Friday. However, for me it is only Thursday. No, I’m not in some sort of time warp, I actually have to work tomorrow, which in your universe is Saturday. I will be missing a basketball game, a pub crawl and a parade–all in the same day. Yes, I am bitter. If you were busy heading for higher ground, odds are you missed it.

You mean spring break can be dangerous?
Remember those wild spring breaks in college? Probably not, because most people stay home. However, more students could be staying above the border this year, after the Texas Department of Public Safety warned college students not to visit Mexican border towns where rival drug cartels are waging war. This makes sense, because spring break is all about listening to authority and making good life choices.

Planet Alaska
Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is shopping around a reality TV show. The show would be about Palin’s home state and likely have the style of Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth. Sources say the show’s first episode would have everyone curious, but as more is learned, interest turns to either loving or hating it, and then the show will quit halfway through the season.

He was tall, puffy and had a homeless guy beard
Ben Roethlisberger. There’s a name you didn’t expect to hear in March, but just the same, here it comes. The star quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in Georgia early Friday morning. This is the second time he’s had to deal with such allegations. In the interest of neutrality and presuming innocent until proven guilty, I’d like to say I wish Rapistberger the best of luck shaking this latest blitz.

Eat My Sports: TAINTed

To put it lightly this year, I’m disappointed in the Super Bowl. From CBS’ production, to the lackluster commercials, to the downright overall feel from kickoff that this game was just not special. It sucked, and you know it.

Look, I’m happy as hell for the city of New Orleans. They deserved this. After all of the crap they have been through since Katrina, this is a feel good moment that will last a very long time. But I’m not paid to talk cities, I’m paid to talk football and there are several reasons that this game will go down as one of the worst Super Bowls of all time. Continue reading Eat My Sports: TAINTed

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Any Given Sunday’

As a cinematic flasher of not-so-secret mass culture fantasies, Oliver Stone is Hollywood’s R-rated answer to P. T. Barnum. Instead of clowns, aerialists and lion tamers, he parades his own hyper-macho vision of modern American life as a primitive bread-and-circuses carnival of power, greed, lust, fame and violence (especially violence). And in Any Given Sunday, his viscerally charged, razzle-dazzle ode to professional football as a blood sport, he comes up with some quintessentially zany Oliver Stone moments.

Using the film, Stone dissects the glory and decadence of football, as seen through the stunning victories and stinging defeats of the fictitious Miami Sharks. Stone presents the players of the NFL as modern-day gladiators who do battle before bloodthirsty crowds in multi-million dollar coliseums, where on any given Sunday, you either win or lose. And while the veteran director has assembled some top-notch talent for this ode to the American past time, the film’s potential for being one of the great films of 1999 ends up being sabotaged by Stone’s own directorial indulgences, which almost make it unwatchable. Almost. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Any Given Sunday’

Eat My Sports: The colors of fall

Welcome to another edition of Eat My Sports sans Schools. I, Bryan McBournie will be your host this evening. Bryan Schools is where he has been for a week now, curled up in his room, shaking, with the television turned to FOX waiting for the World Series to come back on, mumbling something about Joe Buck.

Sounding off about sports is not typically my thing, but watching the NFL this season has brought something very important to my attention: teams don’t like wearing their regular jerseys anymore. When it comes to retro jerseys, the former AFL teams are guilty.

I get the 50-year anniversary celebration, but that’s one game. Sweet Troy Aikman, it’s only one game. Sure, we all like to be reminded of what your team used to look like before you moved it to another venue, but if you keep wearing them, it’s not really throwback, is it? Continue reading Eat My Sports: The colors of fall

Sport of the Week: Soccer

In the U.S., soccer is largely ignored–because it’s boring as hell and we have more important things to be doing. But the rest of the world is not as important, and lead duller lives overall. However, it might be time to give soccer a second look.

The “World Cup” will be played in South Africa sometime in the near future, so we are lead to believe. That’s not important. What is important is that South African leaders want to bless the stadiums that will host the alleged sport. And when you bless something, you might as well do it right. They want to slaughter animals.

This is brilliant. Not only would they be able to show the world that animal existence will not be tolerated, but it can spread the message that we all need to do our part as soldiers in this war.

What?! That’s only one per hour!

It’s been a while since we’ve had a story out of Australia. Welcome back, mates.

Sports fans can be rather rowdy. In Europe, they don’t serve alcohol at soccer games, in the U.S., they stop serving beer after the seventh inning. In Australia, they limit the amount of drinks you can have, especially at the ever-popular Barthurst 1000, where fans will be required to scale back their drinking to only 24 beers in a day.

We don’t want race fans getting tipsy, now do we?

Another America?

OK, so we’ve been quiet about President Obama’s plan to bring the 2016 (that’s pronounced “twenty-sixteen”) Olympics to Chicago, Illinois. We didn’t want to jinx it, and to be honest, Chicago’s not very good at shaking off curses.

But despite our tight-lipped efforts, Rio de Janeiro stole them from us!

We don’t blame the International Olympics Committee because we believe they were deliberately confused by that Portuguese-speaking, Amazon-bearing, cancer-curing anaconda pit that Brazilians call a country.

Knowing that the IOC wanted to give the Olympics to an American city, Rio presented themselves this way:

  • They’re also in “America.” Yes, just like how Richmond is the incest capital of West Virginia, right?
  • They hold an annual Carnival that celebrates nudity, transsexuals and bead-based economies. Yeah, we named that Mardi Gras when we invented it!
  • They even claim to be world champion football players. Really? Which Manning’s on your team?

You know what? We don’t even care about the Olympics anymore. You can have them, Rio.

(Hey, IOC! Did you hear Brazil’s trying to build nuclear weapons?)