Tag: football

Too many balls on the field

Americans just don’t care about soccer. Maybe it’s the fact that we didn’t invent it, maybe it’s the fact that they don’t serve alcohol at the games in Europe, maybe it’s the lack of anything ever happening in an average game. Whatever the reason may be, the “rest of the world” (oh yeah? Then where’s Canada?) loves the sport, but that is because the rest of the world is clinically insane.

An Italian soccer team lined up for a free kick (they give them away for free because they’re not worth much) and dropped their shorts, trying to block the goalie’s view of the ball. This is the first time in professional sports where someone has intentionally dropped their pants since the 1926 U.S. Open, when Archibald “Crazy Pants” Fitzgerald dropped trou in an attempt to distract Bobby Jones while he was making a putt on the 15th green.

‘Skins player shows too much skin

For fans of the Washington Redskins, Chris Cooley is one of the only white people on the team a household name. He’s a tight end, and no, we are not going to make a joke about that.

Those who watched the ‘Skins game yesterday met Cooley in the profile during NBC’s coverage. We learned that while yes, Cooley did go to Utah State, he did not really like academics, unlike so many student athletes, who are on track for their doctorates.

However, Cooley is also known for his blog, cleverly titled The Official Blog of Chris Cooley. Recently, he published a post about how the team playbook has a doodle section. He even took a picture of the section, which is tragically devoid of crayons. But, in the picture he published, Cooley failed to realize he had accidentally included his manly member in the shot.

Let this be a cautionary tale to all you nude bloggers out there. Speaking of which, I need to go find some pants.

You Missed It: There goes your fantasy team edition

It seems like a lot of Fridays are all about people running away. Mostly, it’s because people are running away to go enjoy the weekend. They don’t care about you or your stupid economy. But we’re always here for you, except when were on vacation. If you were too busy answering questions for Charles Gibson this week, odds are you missed it.

Guess it’s back to knocking up models until next September
On Sunday, in quarter 1 of week 1 of the NFL season, legendary New England quarterback Tom Brady injured his knee against the Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, the NFL lost its reigning MVP only a few minutes after his season had started. Wait a minute, this wasn’t supposed to happen! Brady wasn’t on the cover of Madden NFL 09.

The illest of all the dictators
We said it a week ago: if you talk smack about a world leader on your blog, they will read it and take it to heart. Less than a week after we said Kim Jong Il “sucks,” the dictator of the People’s Glorious Worker’s Paradise in the Republic of the Magnificent North Korea was noticeably absent from the country’s 60th anniversary celebration. This is kind of like not showing up to your own party. It has been reported that Kim may have had brain surgery after a recent stroke which was brought on by a deadly capitalist blood clot.

No ‘hike’ until after Ike
Hurricane Ike, currently a Category 2 storm, is on its (his?) way to Texas, after pummeling the Caribbean earlier this week. Galveston, Texas and parts of Houston have been evacuated, as Ike is expected to strengthen before making landfall tonight. The NFL has even postponed the Baltimore Ravens-Houston Texans game until Monday. This means that Ike is easily the worst storm named after a president since–wait, no. This one’s just not working for me. Moving right along ….

Kanye West doesn’t like photographers
And finally, rapper Kanye West made headlines this week, not for his music or his mouth. No, this time actions spoke louder than words. West had landed at LAX airport in Los Angeles only a few minutes before, and the paparazzi was there to greet him. Unfortunately, West did not appear to like it. A video appears to show him attacking two photographers, ripping their cameras out of their hands and smashing them. West was arrested on suspicion of vandalism. West’s spokesman said the flash went through the rapper’s lensless sunglasses, which aggrivated him very much.

How To: Recover from a sports injury

The Guys would like to dedicate this How To to our good friend Tom Brady, who was injured not yet a week ago. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Tom. You’re a god amongst men. If you follow our advice, we will see you on the road to the Super Bowl next season.

Injuries are pretty common in your sport. Take Jimmy, your good buddy. He messed his shoulder up on that dive the other day. Who knew you even needed to dive in golf, anyway? Regardless of what sport you play, something is going to go horribly, horribly wrong. When that happens, it’s up to you to make sure you don’t end up horribly disfigured (or at least more than you are already). That’s why we are here to tell you how to recover from a sports injury. Continue reading How To: Recover from a sports injury

Eat My Sports: It’s a whole new ballgame

SeriouslyGuys would like to congratulate Rhiannon and Richard Justis who welcomed their first child, Ace Gerard, into this gigantic marble around 10 am this morning. Please raise the child to continue The War on Animals.

Well, this week was supposed to be my big NFL preview. I was going to give you my picks, picks so insanely researched that you can bet on them and run Vegas for everything they’ve got like Kevin Spacey in 21, except sans the horribly anorexic kids having the ever-loving crap beat out of them by by Lawrence “Valley of the Real” Fishburne. But then in one instant on a seemingly normal day in New England, everything in the NFL changed. Tom Brady … gulp (swallows pride) … probably the single most indispensable player on any team, was lost for the season not even a quarter into the first game. Continue reading Eat My Sports: It’s a whole new ballgame

Major sports store keeps cheerleaders in line

Putting a halt to all revelries, one new location after another.Shenanigans. They’re always afoot, even in events as hallowed as football. EGADS! How horrible!

Fear not though! The New York Jets will have none of the halftime boobie flashing shenanigans that plagued their stadium last year-at least, the Sports Authority will be seeing to that. They’ll be cracking down on all things fun horrible to those around you. No more early morning tailgating. No more drunken revelries. No more alcohol! Yes, from now on, all leering must be done through proper team channels, thank you very much. Brett Favre must be so happy.

Oh. Wait a minute. You mean it’s a different Sports Authority? Oh. Well now, that changes things a bit, I’d say.

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.

This could get Americans interested

Apparently there’s some soccer thing going on in Europe right now. I would ask my Colombian roommate more about the “football” tourney he is watching so carefully, but it is just too hard to listen and not nod off. The only thing that can make soccer less exciting is when it’s women’s soccer. But the Europeans are taking a mud wrestling-style approach to the game right now.

The (unofficial?) Austrian and German women’s teams played in nothing but thongs yesterday, showcasing “das booben.” Austria won 10-5, a score which probably broke the scoreboard.

The Germans took defeat sportingly and joined their opponents for alcopops and dancing at a beach club alongside the Danube.

“I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that,” said German keeper Jana Bach.

Wait, Reuters, is this a prank story?

Eat My Sports: Wherever I may Romo

Forget college basketball. Forget Roger “I didn’t take no freaking steroids” Clemens, forget the NBA, forget it all. This week we’re tackling romance, but not in that kind of awkward “son, we need to talk” type of way, no, I’m sick of celebrity sports dating. This needs to end.

Honestly, since when has a sports icon’s career been defined by People Magazine or Tiger Beat (is that still around?) covers as opposed to their on field performance. Important figures like completion percentage and assist-to-turnover ratio are being replaced by daily taglines of “what they did on their magical week in Mexico.”

The madness needs to stop. The sports world needs to keep from becoming a mock version of E! Continue reading Eat My Sports: Wherever I may Romo

Eat My Sports: Serious allegiance

In an effort to try and keep the sporting world active in my life, I actually paid attention to this weekend’s festivities in New Orleans for the NBA’s All-Star Game. I saw Dwight Howard visibly put basketball back on the map with one dunk. I watched as Lebron James continued his ascent into being not only the next, but better than Michael Jordan. I watched all of this and suddenly got very, very depressed. Where were my New York Knicks?

Aside from Nate Robinson winning the Slam Dunk Competition a few years back, I am in a free fall as a fan. I have nothing to look forward to. The NBA season starts, I have no hope, we get Larry Brown, and I have no hope because Isaiah Thomas has ruined my beloved franchise beyond a decade-long repair. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Serious allegiance