We’re only a day away from the most American holiday other than Black Friday: Independence Day. And while there are a lot of patriotic articles out there spouting tired old facts, here’s a new one: the U.S. has the most cheese stockpiled right now than it likely ever has.
According to a USDA report, America has some 1.385 billion pounds of cheese reserves, you know, in case there’s a run on pizzas. That number is higher than any level known since the cheese stockpiles started being recorded in 1917. That should make every American swell with pride, or Wis Pride.
This cheese is my cheese, this cheese is your cheese, from Monterey jack to Vermont sharp cheddar.
Every now and then, an otherwise meaningless story achieves national significance because it contains the right combination of clickable elements. And that’s when The Guys document it in our ever-growing tableau of Profiles of Sadness.
Five Live Oak High School (Morgan Hill, Calif.) students were sent home on May 5 for their choice in clothing. They were all sitting together at lunch when approached by the vice principal. Two were wearing American flag bandannas, and the rest American flag t-shirts.
Yes, all five members of the group–at that lunch table–just happened to wear American paraphernalia, including ‘do-rags, on Cinco de Mayo. (So, either this was a calculated attempt for attention on the traditionally Mexican day, or they’re always dressed as the NASCARiest rednecks west of the Rockies.)
Still, administrators asked them to leave because they were afraid that their t-shirts would antagonize Mexican-American students, causing a race riot within their own walls.
And just to make sure that threat seemed real enough, the reporter found a stupid student believing that the day belongs solely to Mexicans:
“‘I think they should apologize cause it is a Mexican Heritage Day,’ Annicia Nunez, a Live Oak High student, said. ‘We don’t deserve to be get disrespected like that. We wouldn’t do that on Fourth of July.'”
So, for those keeping score at home, we’ve got:
- The violation of five students’ free speech rights for clothing that doesn’t violate dress code policy (except maybe the hats part).
- The intentional expression of unpopular speech without regard for any possible consequences, and then complaints when said consequences were realized.
- The intentional selection of a poor interview subject who does not believe American independence applies to her entire ethnicity, yet a holiday sponsored by Corona does apply to her entire school.
- The subsequent celebration of five a$$holes because of the way this was handled.
Only in America, folks. This could only happen in America.
Fireworks were seen all over this fine country over the weekend. As we are told, the U.S. celebrated its Independence Day. And if you care, Canada celebrated their existence last week, too. (Seriously? You’re still part of the British Empire, what do you have to celebrate?)
But fireworks aren’t always a good thing, especially if you live in Congo. There, in the city of Goma, a fireworks display intended to celebrate peace that began in January made the civil war-weary city dive for cover, thinking the war had started up again. People went diving for cover upon hearing the explosions going off.
Everyone, let’s agree not to play with bubble wrap around Congo for a while, sound good?
You know you were waiting for it. To some degree, I was too. I’m not speaking about the fact that it’s Friday, but that YMI is here once again. There’s also a little excitement about the weekend and all that, but whatever. If you were busy waiting a UFO at a theme park this week, odds are you missed it.
And that’s the way it is
Reports are coming in that legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy Walter Cronkite, 92, is very sick and will likely die. The CBS news man reached an iconic level for his 19 years anchoring, as well as reporting for several decades. Cronkite stood as shining example of what broadcast journalism could be–unbiased, un-opinionated and unflinching, which are now seen as quaint little ideas in the news media today. Since he’s sick, I’m going to call it right now. Walter Cronkite is dead and will be missed dearly. If only it were Dan Rather
America’s mistress industry needs bailouts
Up-and-coming GOP Sen. John Ensign admitted this week that he had an affair (with a woman). Normally, this is enough to get you in trouble in Washington, but there’s more. It turns out that Ensign was using taxpayer money to pay her and her family for a while. So that’s the moral and fiscal responsibility Republicans keep preaching about!
Freedom is the only way
North Korea is at it again, it seems. The country announced that it plans to fire a missile in the Pacific Ocean toward Hawaii sometime soon, possibly on the Fourth of July. Much of the world is watching anxiously, as Kim Jong Il and his evil army have access to numerous chemical and biological weapons. In other news, Team America 2 is coming this summer. F$%* yeah.