Even on National Dog Day, Fox News keeps blowing dogwhistles

Don't let the lamestream media fool you into letting terrierists enter our borders. Build the chicken wire fence!
Don’t let the lamestream media fool you into letting terrierists enter our country. Build the chicken wire fence!

Most of today’s National Dog Day media focuses on how much comfort and companionship dogs provide us, which is a PR nightmare for our ongoing War on Animals. Fortunately, there’s one news agency that isn’t falling for the cuddly animal angle that our enemies push: Fox News.

Rather than be a lap dog to PETA, Fox News is raising the hard question that no one dares ask about dogs: are immigrant dogs sneaking rabies and other diseases across our borders?

We applaud Fox News for sticking it to dogs and enforcing their narrative on the dangers of immigration in all forms. Clearly, there’s at least one news agency that hasn’t been neutered.

You Missed It: Crowded platform edition

This is how I was able to get through the debate.
This is how I was able to get through the debate.

I really hope we’re finally seeing the beginning of the end of superhero movies. The Fantastic Four reboot flopped last weekend, probably because it’s a bad movie. But part of me also hopes it’s that we’re just tired of the same stuff we’ve binged on for 15 years or so. Let’s be honest, Avengers 2 was mediocre. It was a jumbled mess, mostly because it had so many notes to hit, so many winks to every other Marvel movie or show, that it forgot to be fun. The only people I know who saw Ant-Man are admitted comic book fans. We just need a couple more of these movies to disappoint, and then maybe we can finally move on. If you were busy signing off from the Daily Show this week, odds are you missed it.

Grumpy old men
The top 10 Republican presidential candidates faced off in their first debate this week, and it was the circus we all hoped it would be. Donald Trump insulted random people and didn’t answer any questions, and everyone else just yelled their opinions when they felt like it. The three Fox News moderators asked the candidates questions regarding foreign policy, Obamacare, Planned Parenthood and God, and still took criticism from conservatives on Twitter. I’m starting to think I like reality shows after all.

Let’s see what celebrities are up to
This week, it was announced that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting a divorce, as are Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani. There was a rumor that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were getting a divorce, but that ended up not being true. Jennifer Aniston married her boyfriend this week, and Lenny Kravitz accidentally exposed his member when his pants split during a show. So in all, it was a big week for 1998.

Failure to launch
According to a new study, more Millennials are living with their parents than they were just a few years ago. This seems to be despite an uptick in employment rates and the median wage for the demographic. This study was published in The Medical Journal of Reasons Not to Have Kids.

Dear Diary, it’s me, George Zimmerman

Zimmerman stressed that he feels absolutely no regret or remorse for extinguishing a human life, which is the exact amount of  introspection to put you on the Fox & Friends couch between Steve and Brian.
Zimmerman stressed that he feels absolutely no regret or remorse for extinguishing a human life, which is the exact amount of introspection to put you on the Fox & Friends couch between Doocy and Kilmeade.

George Zimmerman, who was acquitted of all charges related to the 2012 shooting of Trayvon Martin, released a video with his lawyer’s help on Monday. In it, he blames President “Barack Hussein Obama” as the person most responsible for all racial tension towards him. He also compares himself to Anne Frank for their shared ability to “believe that people are truly good at heart” before shooting them.

This is the second weirdest audition tape that Fox news has received since Geraldo Rivera filmed 14 consecutive Vine videos of himself twirling his mustache at a teachers’ union meeting.

Is Fox News trying to tell us something?

"We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the War on Christmas."
“We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the gay agenda.”

Fox News is home to more anger and indignation than one yellow couch can contain, especially for a news channel. And with its early efforts at promoting the Tea Party, including the organization and promotion of several “FNC Tax Day Tea Parties” back in 2009, it’s clearly designed to help you get angry, too.

So, what’s with today’s report that your heart attack risk rises after angry outbursts? Sounds like somebody got some unskewed EKG results.

Take it from Dr. Snee: Trending medicine

Look at me: so jaded by the medical writing in news outlets that I'm smoking. Smoking like a French oncologist.
Look at me: so jaded by the medical writing in the news that I’m smoking. Smoking like a French oncologist.

Welcome, hopefully insured readers to another edition of Ask Dr. Snee. (If you’re not insured, don’t worry. I overcharge the insured readers to cover deadbeats like yourself.)

Normally, I’d hand you off to a nurse practitioner while I complain about Obamacare at the country club or ski resort. But, thanks to the waning standards of health reporting in major news outlets, it behooves me to dispel some bits of hokum being transmitted across social media. (I miss the old days when medical con artists had to pay for ad space in the New York Times, not simply caption their bullsh*t over a picture of a cat in reading glasses on Facebook.)

So, let’s take an exploratory look at the trending health scares.  Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Trending medicine

You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

Choose your weapon and let's do this.
Choose your weapon and let’s do this.

If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.

January

Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

The greatest story ever sold wholesale

"And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name ... unless they sell the Bible as nonficiton. Then this is all on the level." --  Revelation 13:17
“And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name … unless the establishment that requires this of you doth sell the Bible as nonfiction. Then this is all on the level.” — Revelation 13:17

Caleb Kaltenbach, pastor of Discovery Church, lived up to his church’s name when, lo and behold, he did discover blasphemy in his local Costco. The chain of wholesale retailers had labeled the Bible as fiction on its price tag!

Kaltenbach and his congregation did not remain silent. Using the almighty twitter and then by speaking directly to the priesthood at Fox News, he was able to drum up a frenzy of holy spirit and righteousness, generating threats of a boycott. As members of his church, like Shellie Dungan put it, “I was completely offended. It’s wrong, and I believe that the Bible is real.”

Ultimately, Costco apologized and relabeled the books, resolving the issue. After all, none of Kaltenbach’s parishioners have a problem with the Lord’s word being sold for profit in a large warehouse that closely resembles their own mega-temple. They just want to make sure the moneychangers use the right terminology before selling their holy book by the pallet.

Take it from Snee: Wherever Karl may rove

Rove invented duckface, and yet people still valued his opinion … until today.

The 2012 election was a learning experience for a lot of people. Some learned that you can’t “unskew” polls without, you know, actually conducting polls. Others learned that, while corporations may indeed meet some of the basic conditions of being people,* they still only get one vote, no matter how the CEO pays to get in on the action.

And then there’s Fox News, which finally learned that, unless you’re the weatherman, the news shouldn’t try to predict the future … Or at least that they shouldn’t pay Karl Rove and Dick Morris to try their hands at it anymore.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Wherever Karl may rove

Take it from Snee: An open letter to Fox News

Hey, Fox News. You can deny reading this on as many segments as you want, but we both know that isn’t true. For the highest rated cable news network–thanks to Osama Bin Laden–it’s pretty obvious that you’ve got some self-esteem issues.

For the past two weeks, we’ve watched you take a more active role in what had previously been Jon Stewart’s nipping at your heels. In terms of rivalries, The Daily Show is to Fox News what the Baltimore Orioles are to the New York Yankees. They’re only in the same division based on a technicality, and hate them as much as you want, but the Yankees aren’t going to lose this fight, much less their house.

Yet, here we are, and you’re not looking good. You never really look good,” but you used to fight presidents and ACORNs, not comedians whose biggest critics are themselves. It’s time to figure out what you’re doing here, Fox News. Continue reading Take it from Snee: An open letter to Fox News

This can only end in fantastic tears

We hesitate to to give any credence or credibility to Fox News, mainly because we don’t actually think they qualify as “news.” Why? Well, a news channel should probably give news, rather than just using scare tactics and fear-mongering.

The latest bit of news regarding the channel doesn’t exactly fix their image any.

Greg Gutfeld, host of Red Eye (the late night show on the channel), wants to open up a gay bar. Right beside the mosque that’s being built near Ground Zero. Oh, and the gay bar would cater to Islamic men. That’s not asking for trouble at all.

Of course, there’s no basis that this could actually happen, so don’t be surprised if this turns into non-news. We can only propose this: on the other side of the Islamic themed gay bar, a gay bar that caters to people of the Catholic denomination should be opened as well. Because after all, one good turn deserves another.