The 2012 election was a learning experience for a lot of people. Some learned that you can’t “unskew” polls without, you know, actually conducting polls. Others learned that, while corporations may indeed meet some of the basic conditions of being people,* they still only get one vote, no matter how the CEO pays to get in on the action.
Hey, Fox News. You can deny reading this on as many segments as you want, but we both know that isn’t true. For the highest rated cable news network–thanks to Osama Bin Laden–it’s pretty obvious that you’ve got some self-esteem issues.
For the past two weeks, we’ve watched you take a more active role in what had previously been Jon Stewart’s nipping at your heels. In terms of rivalries, The Daily Show is to Fox News what the Baltimore Orioles are to the New York Yankees. They’re only in the same division based on a technicality, and hate them as much as you want, but the Yankees aren’t going to lose this fight, much less their house.
We hesitate to to give any credence or credibility to Fox News, mainly because we don’t actually think they qualify as “news.” Why? Well, a news channel should probably give news, rather than just using scare tactics and fear-mongering.
The latest bit of news regarding the channel doesn’t exactly fix their image any.
Greg Gutfeld, host of Red Eye (the late night show on the channel), wants to open up a gay bar. Right beside the mosque that’s being built near Ground Zero. Oh, and the gay bar would cater to Islamic men. That’s not asking for trouble at all.
Of course, there’s no basis that this could actually happen, so don’t be surprised if this turns into non-news. We can only propose this: on the other side of the Islamic themed gay bar, a gay bar that caters to people of the Catholic denomination should be opened as well. Because after all, one good turn deserves another.
As Fox News has taught me, you can’t just look to experienced journalists and certified experts for the news. Sometimes, the news is also whatever the majority of people think it is.
For instance: no news body has reported that the President is going to overstep the Congress and take our guns away. (My gun is my penis because I don’t fight crime with metaphors.) But, if you ask enough people, then you’ll realize
Yes he is.
The lamestream media is covering it up. Because they’re lame, and that’s what handicapped people do.
So, I’ve learned to trust my neighbors’ bumper stickers. And for good reason (i.e., my penis gun).
Much like Larry Craig at a gentleman’s club, we get that Fox News is trying hard to look like it cares about women. If you were a network that hires cheerleaders to support an anti-abortion, it’s-only-sexist-if-it’s-about-Sarah-Palin narrative, you’d worry about the average empty-nester switching channels to her stories, too.
Look, Fox. Christina Hendricks? Yes, she’s hot. Other voluptuous women? Many of them are hot, too, and some of them are fat. But, are skinny women out? No. Like voluptuous women, some are hot, and some are coat racks. And some women in both categories? Ugly, with very little to do with the body.
Basically, here’s the code to understanding what’s attractive to men: if we want to see her naked, she’s in the Attractive Women’s Club.
The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.
I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.
“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”
The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.
I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.
It’s already understood that Fox News has a very tenuous grasp on what separates “fact” from “s#@t we’re spitballing on live television.” It’s also common knowledge that they have a Web site that reports this “news,” yet looks like it was built by CNN two years ago.
You gotta feel for Sean Hannity. For years, he was everyone’s favorite Fox News host to hate since O’Reilly would–occasionally–prove his independent politics. But, then Glenn Beck moved over from CNN.
Suddenly, waving a flag to match the one on your lapel while asking why liberals are traitors wasn’t crazy enough anymore. Where’s your tears, Sean? Are you too wussy to quake and cry for your homeland? We bet Colmes could blow a snot bubble for the greatest nation on Earth!
CNN correspondent Soledad O’Brien is well known for being multi-racial. So it makes sense that O’Brien will now be exploring the lives of mixed-race people and their heritage. You’ve gotta like CNN’s approach to coverage. They have Asian people talk about North Korea, Christiane Amanpour covers the Middle East, Roland Martin covers black people, and Lou Dobbs covers crazy old men.
This approach makes total sense, because we all know that reporters can’t actually figure out a story unless it in some way reflects their background. We can’t expect reporters of a different background to be able to report about something that might require some digging, after all.
FOX News also employs this technique by using its army of angry white guys and young blonde women to explore their own cultures.
Look, I know we’ve had our differences in the past. You wanted to be vice president, and I wanted an Earth where there’s no country ass-backwards enough to let that happen. Tomato/tobacco, right?
I’m not writing this to discuss the last election. Bygones are bygones … Well, except you’re not bygone, bygod, now are you? In fact, it seems like you want to be President in 2012 if your non-Alaskan activities are to be interpreted correctly.