Parisians told to remain calm as wolves close in

Oh non! Les loups!

Our allies in France are in peril, but no one in the U.S. seems to want to do anything about it. In the suburbs of Paris, citizens are reporting the howling of wolves, and they are getting quite nervous.

After being nearly defeated around 1930, the wolves in France have made a comeback. They apparently made it around the Maginot Line and the grey-colored forces are moving on the French capital, making their way through the streets of outlying towns. The response from the French government is, amazingly, not immediate surrender, but it’s close. They are telling people not to worry about the encroaching wolves because “they only eat four-legged animals.” That’s effectively telling people not to be afraid of things that are there to eat them.

Paris hasn’t seen this sort of danger from wolves in 20 years. It’s time we stand with our allies in La Guerre Contre les Animaux before the whole country falls.

Expect a wine shortage this year

As if 2016 wasn’t bad enough, it looks like we’re going to be short on wine this year.

It’s been a bad growing season for vineyards around the world. Harvests in South America and France are both down because of weather. That means there will be 5% less wine made this year, which also means that 5% of wine drinkers are going to have to forgo wine this year.

You can always switch to bourbon. Oh wait.

Bad news: Booze ingredients running low

It’s August, which means winter seasonal beers are just a few weeks away. But it also means pumpkin beers will be hitting shelves any day now. But it’s not good news for pumpkin beer lovers, they’re running low on pumpkins.

For the second year in a row, American brewers report that they are having trouble finding enough orange gourds to make the beer that people either love or compare to Hitler. It seems pumpkin demand is so high that farmers aren’t able to keep up with demand, plus, some farmers, such as those in the Richmond, Virginia area, suffered a bad pumpkin crop this year.

And in Europe, things aren’t looking so good for fans of bubbly. The Champagne region of France, which is coincidentally where champagne is made, has had a rough grape-growing year. Vineyards have suffered from rot, mildew and frost. That means it’s going to be a bad year for your favorite New Year’s beverage.

We don’t mean to be alarmist, but now might be the time to stock up on alcohol, you know, before everyone else cleans out the stores.

France on high alert after ‘wine terrorists’ attack

Hold your wine glasses a little tighter tonight. The streets of one French town ran red with wine, and residents are left asking why.

In the South of France, the town of Sete found one of its streets awash in wine for hours, and authorities are baffled. The flood of wine, several inches deep, came from the spilled barrels at a local wine merchant’s house. While officials have yet to name a cause of the incident, many suspect it is the work of a group of “wine terrorists,” a “Malbec Qaeda” if you will, who are against the import of goods to the area. Until this group claims responsibility, the French are forced to shake their heads and exclaim, “Sacre bleu!”

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with wine is a good guy with wine.

Shave and a haircut: 10,000 bits

It costs $11,000 a month to maintain Bruce Willis circa 1992 hair.

French media discovered that President François Hollande spends nearly €10,000 to keep his hairdresser around. Hollande’s spokesperson, Stephane Le Foll, said that this is to help preserve the hairdresser’s income since he had to “abandon his salon” and often accompanies the French president on trips abroad.

See? This is a prime example of how differently socialism can play out in different societies. In France, hair is a right that is distributed from each according to his ability to each according to his needs. And Hollande, as someone who lacks ability to grow his all the way to his forehead needs more hair care, lest he look like Hulk Hogan.

French media’s handling of this story, which they’re calling “Coiffeurgate” proves one thing: by adding “-gate” to any minor issue of presidential peccadillos, they’re ready to hang with the Big Dawgs of western journalism.

Oh snap

It’s an impulse we fight every day: Should I snap the elastic of someone else’s underwear? And apparently it’s a battle French Finance Minister Michel Sapin is no stranger to.

According to a book by two French journalists, Sapin snapped the exposed elastic of an unnamed female journalist’s underwear while at while at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland last year. Sapin has categorically denied the accusations. But because he’s French, we’re inclined to believe it totally happened.

It’s comforting to know that even a powerful man at a powerful conference can be immature. He’s human, even if that human is 10 years old.

France gets liquid courage to defend liquid courage

Mondieu! He just will not shut up about how he's never too hung over for his morning barre class. Where's the wine?
Mon dieu! He just will not shut up about how he’s never too hung over for his morning barre class. Where’s the wine?

France gets a bad rap for avoiding conflict, even as they get more involved in NATO actions in the Middle East. But, there is one fight they will never back down from: serving wine with dinner.

French President Francois Hollande is almost set to receive the first visit from an Iranian president to Europe in a decade. The only hitch not sorted out yet is when he and his counterpart, President Hassan Rouhani, will eat. The two were supposed to have dinner, but Rouhani requested a halal dinner, including no alcohol served — even wine, which like barely counts as booze in France. (Babies drink it there, for god’s sake.)

Well, a dinner without a properly paired wine? In Paris-freakin’-France? Impossible! Besides, who can tolerate a teetotal-ling religious fanatic without at least a glass of Jesus juice? So, France called it off, and offered up an unfermented breakfast.

And wouldn’t you know it, but Iran rejected the breakfast deal because it appeared too, and we quote, “cheap.” Which, yes, it would be if you’re eating halal breakfast. No bacon or sausage? Not even a mimosa? That’s just eggs and maybe waffles, or, according to our budgetary estimates, Some Trifling Bullsh*t.

But, that’s what happens when you go to a drinker’s house and, rather than be happy with the soda you brought, force everyone else to abstain from the only thing that can make you interesting. Good for you, President Hollande — you’re our Drunk of the Day!

You Missed It: Beer for breakfast edition

Is there such a thing as a first dog house?
Is there such a thing as a first dog house?

I injured myself in a weird way this week. I was getting ready to climb into bed when I noticed that the fitted sheet was kind of coming untucked, which is never comfortable. So I put my tablet down on the bed and pulled the sheet down to its rightful place. In doing so, I pulled my tablet off of the bed and caused it to fall on my little toe. It’s all purple, and I’ve been limping ever since. It’s not easy to brag to people about an injury like that. I can’t tell people that I’m walking funny because I dropped my tablet on my pinky toe, it just makes me sound like a wuss. If you were busy celebrating your Triple Crown this week, odds are you missed it.

Authentic German breakfast
President Barack Obama traveled to Germany this week for the G7 Summit, and raised eyebrows when he was seen having a beer at a breakfast with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. He was also seeing what looked like a pack of cigarettes while standing on a balcony talking with Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi. It’s good to see that Obama treats business trips away from the wife as seriously as the rest of us.

Truly a post-racial society
The head of an NAACP chapter in Washington state is under scrutiny this week after her biological parents said they are both white, and so is their daughter. Rachel Dolezal identified herself as white, black and American Indian on a city application form. She’s 37, which is odd, because usually it’s white teenagers who pretend to be black.

Accused pimp slaps down charges
A panel of judges in France this week acquitted former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn of charges of aggravated pimping. Not only that, the judges awarded him points for degree of difficulty in the supposedly challenging line of work.

Worldwide animal jailbreak!

These species traitors are not kidding around.
These species traitors are not kidding around.

In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.

Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.

People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.

Heroism isn’t measured in sobriety

Look, it’s April 1, and everyone on the Internet thinks it’s fun to pull one over on everyone. It’s the one day we all hate each other more than usual. We’re still going to report the stupid stuff that actually happened. We’re not making this up, as far as we know. Let’s get started.

In France, a 22-year-old man at a shipyard was no doubt glad to see that authorities had shown up to help. He had been all alone, administering CPR to an injured person, and he called emergency service to help him save a life. The cops found him and immediately noticed that he was drunk. Then they noticed that he was trying to resuscitate a rubber dinghy.

The man spent the night in the drunk tank. The dinghy didn’t make it.