Tag: france

It’s amazing the favors you can get at low prices

On Friday morning, Tony Kornheiser sarcastically alluded that the French dream was to go into prostitution and save up the money for a beauty parlor. If this humorous joke is true, then the French johns are going about it all the wrong way. Currency? Legal tender? That’s for chumps. They need to follow John Johnson Jr.’s example and instead pay for lovin’ with candy.

No, really.

Johnson, a jail nurse, is being accused of assaulting seven female inmates. How did he keep them quiet? He used the same items that women have fallen for ever since the beginning of time-candy and soda.

We can only assume that the incredibly low standards of the inmates eventually rose up when he mistakenly approached a livabetic diabetic prisoner about a deal.

More dramatic internet news of the day

In our best attempt to make it onto the NSA’s watch-list: THE PRESIDENT’S TWITTER WAS HACKED.

No, really-and it was done by a Frenchman of all people. A FRENCHMAN. That’s the equivalent to two slaps into our face while spitting in our mashed potatoes. Oh sure, some people might want to talk about other government related issues, but here on the internet, we only care about one thing: the 140 characters that Obama will use to wipe out France.

Sacre flu!

Being the Emperor of France (still?) probably helps.Well, it appears almost all of western Europe is winding down its H1N1 cases. Yep, everyone is on board with not catching swine flu … except France.

France, as contrary as she is diseased, continues to host a rising rate of H1N1 cases. Why? Is it some elaborate artistic statement where people cough on doorknobs, berate the bourgeoisie and smoke Gauloises?

Perhaps it has something to do with their kissing methods. The Guys know all about French kissing from middle school, so we can confidently say that probing molars for croissant crumbs while unsuccessfully picking at a bra clasp is probably not the smartest thing to do in grippe du porcs season.

Listen, France. We know it’s tough to communicate public health when you’re all trapped in invisible boxes and forbidden to talk, but it’s time to get serious. If you die out, then Quebec becomes the French-speaking capital of the world. French Canadians. Not cool.

Not a good week for Scientology

In this bathroom metaphor, he's heading your poop off at the pass.

Fresh on the heels of–director of Crash—Paul Haggis’ scathing resignation letter, the Church of Scientology was dealt another blow by the Headline of the Day.

The French have done what most people assumed was a granted: convicted the organization of fraud. (Technically, members of the church have been convicted in the past, but this is the first time the church as a whole and its leadership were fined.)

Look, most religions are based around questionable practices of, at best, dubious rationale. But, pretending to have scientific knowledge about aliens in your body and the ability to assuage said aliens with expensive spa and counseling treatments as recommended by a dead science fiction writer? Sounds legit to us. Bad form, French courts.

Vive le gullible

This may come as something of a surprise, but those images you see in advertising? They’ve been retouched. Same goes for the models you see on magazine covers who seem to be able to hide their nipples so well.

French people don’t know this. They think their baguettes are really that long. They also think that French President Nicholas Sarkozy is really that skinny. Tre naive. It’s become so much of a problem that some French lawmakers want to require a note on any altered image so the public is not deceived.

Say, is that a picture of Sarkozy storming the Bastille?

Alcohol makes the world your bed

Alcohol-induced sleep isn’t usually very deep, which is probably why you wake up tired. (You’ll have to ask Dr. Snee about that one.) However, some people are just deep sleepers. A French teenager is one of that fold.

It was there that a 19-year old got drunk, most likely off of wine or something. He got a little sleepy and decided to take a nap outside, his mistake was deciding to sleep on train tracks. As he slept between the tracks, a speeding train passed over him. The driver of the train saw him but was unable to stop the train for much longer. He did not wake up after the train passed over him.

“Roused by police and fire fighters who attended the scene, the young man gave a one-fingered salute before rolling over and going back to sleep.”

Sleep on, hero.

Sacre Bleu! Not ze hobos!

A new Internet game is taking France by storm, but upsetting everybody else. Zut alor! Clodogame (which translates as Trampgame) is a hobo simulator in which players start off as a penniless street bum and must work their way up the food chain to become “king of the streets” and “the most talented tramp in Paris.”

Trampgame invites virtual vagrants to attack other homeless folk, become a “peerless pickpocket,” steal coins from candy machines, public toilets and laundrettes, play instruments and choose pets in order to increase their success as beggars, and take control of their alcohol intake. It’s unfortunate that there is no English version, as it does sound as if hobocide can be committed in the game. Score!

Of course, because some people take the Internet too seriously (despite the Internet being serious business), charity organization the Red Cross is among those who have stepped in to criticize Trampgame:

“It’s a disgrace, it’s degrading, it’s humiliating to make the homeless the butt of derision. The image portrayed is exactly the one against which we’ve been trying to fight.”

Why are they so concerned? It’s not like homeless people have a computer to play it on.

Le dead, they are rising

Quick, before someone tries to cover it up or explain it all away. Check out this picture from the CNN story.

Yes, there was an accident at a Madonna concert in France, which is tragic of course, but look closer. The French ambulance, a vehicle whose sole purpose is to transport the injured and sometimes dead to the hospital, says in big letters “REANIMATION.”

Yes, reanimation. As in rising from the dead. It’s been a while since we heard from the undead, but they certainly seem to be around. Don’t let Madonna bite you!