Tag: france

Answering the tough questions

Side note: Will you people come back from Labor Day weekend and do insane stuff already? The news is slower than a three-legged mule.

We turn now to Paris, not because we want to, but because that is where the story comes from, of course. It has been announced that French scientists have discovered how to authenticate the vintage of wine.

Yes, the scientists have used a particle accelerator and X-ray analysis to figure out just how old that bottle of wine is. Because, you know, you can’t just look at the year on the label. The Guys are no conneisseurs of wine (we prefer grape flavored, if we must drink it), but does one really need to know exactly how old their wine is when it’s in a box?

Next up for the French scientists: how to be more pretentious.

This plot sounds familiar

In the realm of bad parenting, we encourage our audience to at least be original about it. An Israeli couple, that was traveling to Paris, France, remembered their tickets, to stow away all carry-ons in the overhead compartments, place trays in an upright position and to leave their 3-year-old daughter behind at the airport.

Oh, you’re so original. In no way was that also the plot for Home Alone. Let us guess, if they were to start robbing houses they’d call themselves the “Wet Bandits” as well.

You Missed It: Hit and run edition

What can I say? It’s Friday in late July and everyone seems to be going on vacation. In fact, I will be on vacation next week, so yes, I will miss it. However, if you were too busy being courted by the Minnesota Vikings, then odds are you missed it.

Novak no-stop
Spy-outer and  Politico pundit Robert Novak made headlines this week for something, but this time it wasn’t something he wrote. While driving in Washington, D.C., Novak hit an 86-year old homeless man and his car did not stop until a block or two later, when a witness on a bicycle flagged him down. The witness said the man rolled across Novak’s hood. Novak told reporters he did not see the homeless man, mostly because he was lost daydreaming about the redecorating efforts of cavernous lair.

Named storm comes to shore
Hurricane Dolly became the first named storm of the 2008 season to hit the U.S. when it made landfall near Brownsville, Texas. Surprisingly enough, the media seemed to miss the obvious “Hello, Dolly” puns waiting to be made. This blog would never stoop to such a level–wait, we just did.

Obama campaigns abroad
In an obvious effort to combat an image of inexperience in foreign policy, Sen. Barack Obama went on a tour this week of the Middle East and Europe. Stops included Israel, Germany and France. Obama has reported ended each speech with, “I want to improve U.S. relations with foreign countries, and that’s why I want all of you to vote for me!”

Look at the pretty colors
NASA announced this week that its THEMIS (Time History of Events and Macroscale Interactions during Substorms) mission has discovered that the Northern Lights are caused by the stressed magentosphere snapping into a new shape. The space agency said it picked the mission because everyone there had been taught in middle school what caused the lights, but could not quite remember what it was.

You Missed It: We’ll all float on edition

Welcome to the end of May. Coincidentally, it also happens to be yours truly’s birthday. Please, hold your applause. If you were busy landing on another planet this week, odds are you missed it.

Balloon designed to float really high does so
French skydiver Michael Fournier was probably a little frustrated when he watched his balloon float away with his hopes of breaking a record on Tuesday. He had planned to break the world record for highest skydive, but then the balloon came untethered and floated away accidentally before Fournier could even get in, much less jump. France promptly surrendered.

Pressed secretary
Former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan released a book this week that raised some eyebrows in Washington. McClellan said national security advisers in the Bush administration served the president very poorly leading up to and going into the war in Iraq. He charges the administration of spinning important intelligence and intentionally leaking classified information. These and other revelations can be found in McClellan’s book, Things I Probably Should Have Told You Five Years Ago.

‘Nsync creator now ‘Njail
Ron Perlman, former manager of 90s boy bands ‘Nsync and the Backstreet Boys, was sentenced to 25 years in a federal prison, after being convicted of conspiracy, money laundering and other charges. Prosecutors said he swindled more than $200 million from investors through his business, which began in the 80s. Noticeably missing from the list of charges: crimes against humanity for getting those stupid songs stuck in our heads for years.

Undiscovered tribe found in Brazil
An “uncontacted tribe” was found and photographed by helicopter in a remote part of the Amazon rain forest. The Indians are pictured looking in confusion at the aircraft and even pointing bows and arrows at it. A nonprofit group said there are around 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide. The photographers celebrated the find by dropping iPhones, teen magazines and smallpox down to the natives.

France may surrender to Big Sobriety

Etienne Apaire — “head of a government body in charge of the fight against addiction to drugs or alcohol” — is shocked, SHOCKED, by the findings of recent alcohol surveys.

“He said research conducted in 2005 showed about one in four French 17-year-olds reported getting drunk at least three times in the previous 12 months, while one in 10 said they had got drunk 10 times or more.”

That’s right: one-quarter of all French 17 year-olds get drunk three times a year. (We’re guessing that New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day and Bastille Day are those three days.)

As such, Apaire has proposed to end Happy Hour, as if French drunks aren’t morose enough. Worse yet, he might not even be French because he’s suggested that French youth drink beer instead. Sacrebleu!

These Founding Guys could not be reached for comment.

The punishment for dying is death

When it comes to war, the French are known for glorious battles lasting more than 20 minutes, before finally sending up the white flag and giving up. But today they could get a new stigma in their own personal battle against death.

A village in southwestern France had its graveyard fill up recently, so its mayor has commanded the citizens not to die. In fact, if one does die, the mayor promises severe punishment. This blog is unsure of what stance to take at this point, as it is not clear if the town is going to punish the families of the deceased, or the deceased themselves, should they rise up again. This blog hopes it’s the latter. Zombies cannot be tolerated.