Tag: fraternity

Things that you might not want to let be publically known

We don’t condone crime of any sort, but maybe next time you don’t let the populace find out about these things:

  • Your pilfering of a store in broad daylight while the statute is still live.
  • Sexual activities with any type of animal while in the presence of a cop that’s a member of PETA.
  • Your overseas and legal-in-three-island-nations marriage to a blow-up you found in an alleyway  and named Jamiroquai.
  • A 1:1 scale paper-mâché costume recreation of Brian Bosworth from Stone Cold.
  • Your fraternity survey asking, “If you could rape someone, who would it be?”

Nnnnnnnnhhhh.

Just the outcome you’d expect

The descendants of legendary Apache, Geronimo, found out what happens when you sue a notorious secret society that has included two of the last four presidents in its ranks: the case never makes it to trial.

The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.

Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)

This leaves Geronimo’s family one option: body raid at Yale!

Lamest member of a frat just became lamer

It feels really odd writing a story about a frat member that doesn’t (knowingly) involve alcohol in it whatsoever, but here goes. A 21-year-old Wisconsin man is in a lot of trouble after using a fraternity debit card to unlawfully spend over $12,000 on video games. Rather than accept responsibility for his crimes, Jose Taverez has adopted the patriotically American way of blaming other things, in this case his crushing videogame addiction. Awwwwwwww!

“Tavarez … told police he used a fraternity debit card to buy videogames because his bank account is linked to his parents’ and he did not want them seeing that he spent his money on the games,” reports the Wisconsin State Journal. “A list of suspicious purchases on the card… included about 70 purchases at game-oriented businesses, along with many others from online stores selling computer goods …”

The sad part of this story is that I’m sure there will be plenty of people willing to actually believe evil videogames gripped this man’s soul and forced him, an innocent victim, to steal that money. As opposed to the apparent greed and desire to manipulate that which ultimately does not belong to him. Such is the blameless society we have created for ourselves. Also, being twelve grand in debt because of video games? That’s not just lame-that’s super lame. Guess which frat brother is gonna get super-hazed when he gets back from jail?