Groundhog? Don’t mind if we do

Al Roker sharted in his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.
Al Roker pooped his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.

After failing to see his shadow this February, Punxsutawney Phil may soon see his life flash before his eyes. Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio’s Butler County, filed an indictment against the fake weather psychic, alleging that “Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early.”

And does Ohio take fraud seriously? You bet your hamster. The penalty for misrepresenting spring is a felony, punishable by death.

Really, it’s about time. When the rodent correctly predicted the end of winter, he should have been tried for witchcraft. And now that his power’s gone, he is at the mercy of the U.S.’s 10th worst state. See? This is why you don’t make deals with the devil.

They’re gonna need a bigger jail cell

But that’s okay, they can probably fit it into the budget.

Bell is a small city in Southern California with an equally small population. It is also without what most people would call a functioning government, as they’re all now behind bars.

The city manager drew a salary of $800,000 and also used city money to pay off his personal loans and buy stuff. The city council members got $100,000 each for being on the city council part-time and  also approving the city manager buying stuff for himself. Which, really, is an astronomical salary for doing something part-time. Nonetheless, the 9 people were charged with misappropriating city funds (think around the area of $5 million) and arrested, though it took a battering ram on his door to take down the city manager (which is something we’d like to see more of).

By the way, our favorite mugshot is the one of George Mirabal (bottom row, number three from left to right). You can’t really tell if he’s surprised by the matter or just attempting the worst intimidation tactics ever, but you can definitely tell that he’s going to fly away.

Not a good week for Scientology

In this bathroom metaphor, he's heading your poop off at the pass.

Fresh on the heels of–director of CrashPaul Haggis’ scathing resignation letter, the Church of Scientology was dealt another blow by the Headline of the Day.

The French have done what most people assumed was a granted: convicted the organization of fraud. (Technically, members of the church have been convicted in the past, but this is the first time the church as a whole and its leadership were fined.)

Look, most religions are based around questionable practices of, at best, dubious rationale. But, pretending to have scientific knowledge about aliens in your body and the ability to assuage said aliens with expensive spa and counseling treatments as recommended by a dead science fiction writer? Sounds legit to us. Bad form, French courts.

Bernie Madoff free to con again in 150 years

In what must be the most disappointing sentence in the history of U.S. criminal justice, Bernie Madoff received a mere 150 years of prison time for his crimes of “11-count information charging securities fraud, investment adviser fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, three counts of money laundering, false statements, perjury, false filings with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and theft from an employee benefit plan.”

Worse, yet, is that our nation’s worst white-collar criminal will be held in a U.S. prison, which means he will have access to lawyers and other inmates. He could possibly escape or even plan more economic attacks while behind bars.

And the biggest blow of all? Thanks to this paltry slap-on-the-beRolexed-wrist, our economy is still dire. Don’t these justices understand that the Money Gods require blood?!

Bob’s slightly smaller smile needs pills

The founder of the company that makes the fake penis enlargement pill Enzyte has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for fraud. That’s what you get for making people feel bad about their small penises … and defrauding the public of about $400 million. You could easily call this a case of just desserts, if you feel that the appropriate yet ironic punishment of one who defrauds men about their penises is for him to be sent to a federal prison. Hope he doesn’t need to take Enzyte in the big house … or that he’s pretty.


The greedy, greedy zombies

In 2001, a Hungarian man was reported dead by his wife, who was obviously distraught. There was no body to be found, so the courts waited in 2003 to declare him deceased.

But then, last year the man rose from the dead and started staggering around, no doubt craving for brains. He and his wife were later arrested and charged with fraud, because they had apparently had over $1 million in life insurance on the man. Sorry, zombie punk! It’s called life insurance, not afterlife insurance. This serves as a reminder that the undead are indeed out there and we need to take care of them now with some swift justice.