Welcome to (a preview of) Herman Cain’s America

People of all stripes have been arguing that America’s in a bad place right now. Our deficit is soaring, our rich are hogging up all the yachts and our kids — man, they suck. They’re fat, their music is weird, they cut themselves and they still haven’t lifted the U.S. out of a recession by getting jobs and buying all the CDs and DVDs (that we still think are weird).

But, is it so bad that even Canada gets to rag on us? Apparently so.

Our Congress didn’t help, of course, when they determined that, for school lunches, the two tablespoons of tomato sauce per slice makes pizza a vegetable. (A tomato is a fruit, until you squeeze it and add salt. Then it’s a vegetable, and that is science.*) And, with the double-helping of vegetables that comes with adding french fries, it looks like it’ll be up to our children’s children to stand up to those wendi-jerkoffs on our northern border.

*Today’s science is brought to you by Dr. Papa John, Director of the Hand-Tossed Institute.

French fries are also just like the internet

In more police related news …

People like food. In fact, they like their fast food fresh. Not fresh food fast, but fast food fresh. However, nobody likes their fast food fresh like Robert Quillen does, or potentially his wife. Quillen walked into a Sandusky, Ohio, McDonald’s to get fries for his wife. An argument between Quillen and the manager then arose over the freshness of said french fries.

In a move that completely justifies the use of tax-payers’ money, the police were then called onto the scene. No charges came about due to conflicting stories, but Quillen went home with his money but no fries.

The fries? The fries went home to nobody. They then sobbed themselves to sleep, feeling that nobody wanted them.