French sperm lacks certain … je ne sais quoi

Former French president Nicolas Sarkozy knows a thing or two about French sperm being just good enough.

The study of 26,600 French guys’ sperm has French scientists concerned. They found that Le Guys‘ sperm count was on average 32.3 percent lower per millilitre than it was in 1989. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, there was 33.4 percent less normal-shaped sperm, which means that what French men have left is just a little bit freakier.

But, critics of the paper say it’s not really a fair comparison because the ’89 Chateau du Coq really was an extraordinary vintage.

Bonus: The link is to BBC News, so you know they were tickled by this announcement.

Justice … to go

After a month of terror, Britain’s long national nightmare is finally over.

The Fine Dining Dasher has been caught and will finally pay for his grand food larceny!

All told, Janis Nords has amassed 2325 pounds … on three unpaid dinner bills, which according to our American math equals $300 quadrillion. No one is quite sure how he managed to run after a 1000-pound French meal, but it probably lead to his eventual surrender to authorities.

Kicking sand in France’s face

It’s Friday, so how’s about we phone in a classic: ridiculing the French? (We like using French words, like “ridicule” against them.)

If you’re looking for lunch money and don’t mind wiping mime make-up off your knuckles or their goofy Monopoly dollars, then France is the place to go. It’s a country entirely untouched by Charles Atlas; only 5.4 percent belong to fitness clubs.

(And we all know that only 10 percent of members at any fitness club actually go to the gym after joining.)

Despite the best efforts by fitness companies to export manorexia, the French have resisted, making it the first time they’ve done so without U.S. support. Instead, they prefer to model themselves after the goth kids by drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes in a cafe.

We were up all night writing this, not even stopping for a snack

It’s meaningless study time again! Want to guess which of the wealthiest nations eats more in terms of time? The answer may surprise you. Want to know who sleeps the most? Well, it’s the same country.

But rather than get into that, let’s get to the more important question: who the hell in this country sleeps an average of 8.5 hours a night?

This survey was most likely not talking about kids, but since when do Americans sleep more than eight hours? We bleary-eyed, contributing members of society, and more so, those of us who are not opposed to the night life, would like to know who is sleeping in. Is it you old people? Maybe the farmers waking up at the crack of dawn and going to bed after sunset?

Anyway, the answers from the first questions we asked: the French eat more and sleep more. That makes sense. All that cigarette smoking and philosophical debating in cafés can really wear you out–and work up an appetite.

Important consumer tip

Watch out, consumers! No matter how tempting it is, no matter what promises they may make, no matter how wonderful it sounds, DO NOT buy the magic cheese.

A French man is being accused of selling kits to make “magic cheese.” French officials have been dispatched to Chile to investigate the customers claims and to determine if it is indeed a pyramid scheme. Authorities claim Gilberte Van Erpe sold magic cheese to customers in Chile as an ingredient for French beauty products.

Also, if you eat it, it gives you the ability to fly, walk through the Great Wall of China, and make the Statue of Liberty disappear.

The McBournie Minute: We need more guns in movie theaters

Welcome back from the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa break. I would like to tell you how much I missed you, but I’m afraid it might bring me to tears.

Speaking of things that make the entire world sad, the New England Patriots were bounced from the playoffs yesterday because the stupid New York Brett Favres couldn’t get points on the board. The Pats are the first NFL 11-5 team to miss the playoffs since 1985. Nevertheless, QB Matt Cassel did an amazing job of stepping in for the martyred Tom Brady. New England will miss him when he signs with Detroit Minnesota Tampa Bay next season.

Moving on, yet another thing that happened during the break, a guy allegedly shot another guy for talking during a movie. Oddly enough, it happened in Philadelphia.

You’re probably expecting me to go on some tirade about how Philly sucks and people shouldn’t have guns. Wrong. I say give people more guns. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We need more guns in movie theaters

Now THAT’S science!

You won't like them when they're angry.Perhaps the French and Swiss have had enough of being referred to as Europe’s darling little debutantes, because they’ve got us all scared now.

A team of scientists from both countries are ready to flip the switch on the world’s largest collider, an atom-smasher, just to see what happens. Possible results include:

  • Showing us invisible matter.
  • Revealing other dimensions.
  • Spawning a black hole that will swallow the Earth.
  • Torching the Earth with particles known as strangelets.
  • Dog and cat cohabitation.

Of course, there’s one side effect that wasn’t mentioned by either concerned party or the article: massive worldwide orgies on the day it’s turned on. You know we’re stocking up on flavored massage oil.

France may surrender to Big Sobriety

Etienne Apaire — “head of a government body in charge of the fight against addiction to drugs or alcohol” — is shocked, SHOCKED, by the findings of recent alcohol surveys.

“He said research conducted in 2005 showed about one in four French 17-year-olds reported getting drunk at least three times in the previous 12 months, while one in 10 said they had got drunk 10 times or more.”

That’s right: one-quarter of all French 17 year-olds get drunk three times a year. (We’re guessing that New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day and Bastille Day are those three days.)

As such, Apaire has proposed to end Happy Hour, as if French drunks aren’t morose enough. Worse yet, he might not even be French because he’s suggested that French youth drink beer instead. Sacrebleu!

These Founding Guys could not be reached for comment.