Tag: fresco

Blasphanimals! Repent your hairesy!

The War on Animals has always been contentious. But, animals have crossed a line and turned this into a holy war. We cannot stress this enough: animals have attacked Jesus.

A newly discovered — by white people, anyway — monkey species has the unmitigated gall to impersonate Jesus Henry Christ de Nazareth. Dubbed the “Lesula,” he lives in the Congo and somehow still knew what Jesus looks like before that lady helpfully restored that fresco in Spain.

But, that’s not all: snakes are mocking the virgin birth! Researchers caught female copperhead pit vipers in the U.S. proving immaculate conception “ain’t no thang,” performing the miracle almost at will. The offspring’s DNA is composed entirely of the mother’s genetics … which means snakes want us to believe God is a snake. Or some dude who impregnates snakes. Either way, it’s time to storm the Herpetology Consulate at your local zoo!

Diarrhea no substitute for bulimea

Taco Bell–which was represented by a chihuahua in their ads until she was ground into chalupas–has unveiled their new campaign: dieting.

If the past decade has been categorized by gritty, violent remakes of crap from the ’90s, then consider this the s#%tty remake of Jared’s Subway diet. TB claims that a woman lost 50 pounds by ordering from their “Fresco” menu daily, keeping her caloric intake below 1300.

Oh, there are so many jokes here …. Let’s just post them in a list:

  • The Fresco menu? You’d lose weight if you ate paintings of food, too.
  • It wasn’t the Taco Bell that was low calorie, but the Tic-Tacs she ate for the rest of the day.
  • In the burrito’s defense, it doesn’t stay in your system long enough to pack on the pounds.
  • Before Taco Bell, this woman never ate lettuce.
  • The Taco Bell diet encourages you to exercise more so that dates can focus on your six-pack abs, even when you smell like you s#%t your pants.
  • We always go for a run after a Gordito … to the bathroom.
  • C’mon, have you ever seen a fat Mexican?
  • We can’t tell you Taco Bell’s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices; however, we can tell you that one of those spices is not not tape worm eggs.
  • Why would this woman lie about the dietary benefits of a multimillion dollar international chain of restaurants?

Look, we’re not saying it’s impossible to lose weight by eating Taco Bell. We’re just saying that you might lose even more by not doing so.