Good news from Lake Titicaca

There’s a lot of bad news out there, and not just the made up news your uncle shares on Facebook. So today, halfway through the work week, take a break, take a breath, and take in some good news.

Researchers report that about 10,000 Peruvian frogs, known as “scrotum frogs” because of their baggy skin, have mysteriously died. We have thousands fewer enemies to worry about now, according to scientists examining Lake Titicaca.

That news once again: scrotum frogs have died at Lake Titicaca.

You’ve got the frog one, baby

The animals are now resorting to suicide missions to try and kill us. Take for example one Florida man who thought he was going to be enjoying a refreshing Pepsi, only to get Pepsi’s limited release “Dismembered Frog Series.”

The animals are trying to choke us, and are willing to die themselves in the process. God only knows what they’ve done to our Coca-Cola factories.

We’re being invaded!

We’re being invaded! Size may not matter in the animal kingdom, but quantity sure as shoot does.

A town in California is being invaded by a mass of tiny toads. Unchallenged by natural predators, the population blew up exponentially. Oh sure, you might think that something the size of a quarter isn’t that bad, but wait until the end of summer when the toads are now the size of a fist.

There’s only one solution-take care of the problem now. Eradicate them all.

Winning without even trying

Some fronts take a lot of work to win. Take the Amazon rain forest for example. We know that it has the highest concentration of animal life, of both species known and unknown, in the world. To conquer such terrain is taking the coordinated effort of thousands of poor farmers looking for more land, and fast food companies who need to raise more cattle. We are making progress there slowly, but as long as we don’t give in, we will get there.

Then there are places like Yellowstone National Park, where we aren’t really trying and yet we’re winning anyway. Scientists have found that despite being protected by federal law (for reasons unknown to us) amphibians are dying off. Why? Global warming, which as any Republican leader will tell you, had nothing to do with us until this election cycle, now we believe there could be some slight human cause, but really it’s just the Earth’s natural cycle.

Scientists have found that newts, frogs and toads have been declining in population in the park. Little do they know, the amphibians are actually being used for a brew made by a witch living in the park.

Cut for the good of the world

It is imperative that we all remember that the enemy is all around us, as are species traitors. However, unlike our animal enemies, human species traitors are willing to go to far more extremes than any rational animal would.

Take the case of Jennifer Thornburg, formerly just your average human being, Thornburg joined known terrorist group PETA. After that, her life took a turn for the worst. Presumably she started hanging out with the wrong crowd, and now she has officially changed her name to CutOutDissection.com (we don’t hyperlink to terrorists).

Obviously, the site is against dissecting animals, because cutting open a dead animal to learn more about how it works is far too painful for the recently passed animal, who just happens to be dead. Folks, we need to fight extremist like this. It is every American’s God-given right to hunt down, kill, dissect, eat, make into clothing, or stuff and keep as a trophy. More so, it is our right to fight an enemy that plots our destruction. High school biology students: pay no attention to the left-wing surrenderists, you’re doing a great job and we all support your sacrifice.

Time to remember and strengthen resolve

What is already a day of solemn reflection is now being greeted with some dark, dark news: a species of frog thought to have been extinct for 17 years has been found alive. And no, we can’t crucify it.

While this grim announcement can likely inspire feelings of defeat or depression, look not in that way. We are humans, we will persevere. We are the greatest species in the world, and nothing will ever change that. What we need to do now is use this news as motivation. We must choose to renew our will to win. It is time to sound again the call to battle.

Let us take a moment to remember all those who fought this year.

We can and will win this war.

Kermit died for your sins

The Catholic Church has officially taken a side in the War on Animals: they are against us.

Pope Benedict XVI asked that a piece of artwork depicting a frog being crucified be taken down because it is blasphemous. Oh really, Benedict (if that is your real name)? Since when is torturing the enemy not allowed in the Catholic Church?

It is this blog’s opinion that we need symbols like this to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies. Remember, God gave us domain over the animals, and they are trying to unseat us from that power, which surely makes them beasts of the devil. Does it not?