When British General Lord Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington, his drum and fife corps played “The World Turn’d Upside Down.”
History is full of opposite days. So much so, in fact, that I spent every day between kindergarten and today practicing for one. Especially when caught in a childhood gaffe, like accidentally admitting to watching David the Gnome every day. “What? No! I was kidding! It’ s Opposite Day. Or is it?”
Reading the news today, it’s either Opposite Day, or I drove through a dimensional detour on my way to work. After all, there are certain truths that will always be true, right? Truths like … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Opposite Day
People of all stripes have been arguing that America’s in a bad place right now. Our deficit is soaring, our rich are hogging up all the yachts and our kids — man, they suck. They’re fat, their music is weird, they cut themselves and they still haven’t lifted the U.S. out of a recession by getting jobs and buying all the CDs and DVDs (that we still think are weird).
But, is it so bad that even Canada gets to rag on us? Apparently so.
Our Congress didn’t help, of course, when they determined that, for school lunches, the two tablespoons of tomato sauce per slice makes pizza a vegetable. (A tomato is a fruit, until you squeeze it and add salt. Then it’s a vegetable, and that is science.*) And, with the double-helping of vegetables that comes with adding french fries, it looks like it’ll be up to our children’s children to stand up to those wendi-jerkoffs on our northern border.
*Today’s science is brought to you by Dr. Papa John, Director of the Hand-Tossed Institute.
You know how everyone’s supposed to eat five servings of fruit a day? If you didn’t, that’s OK, because you’re supposed to eat eight servings now.
According to a new study in Europe, people who eat eight servings of fruit a day have a 22 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease than those slackers who only eat three. The study did not state whether they died of pineapple-related injuries instead.
But, seriously, eight servings? At some point, heart disease might be welcome.
Oh, and in other medical news: your cyst might be making your surgeon suicidal. Maybe you should just wear longer sleeves, you selfish jerk.
When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”
What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?
I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.
What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.
So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be very afraid
The FDA sent out a warning letter to 14 online companies that are breaking new cigarette laws, which indicates that the FDA may be a UN organization. The companies received the written hand-wringing for continuing to sell flavored cigarettes.
Flavored cigarettes violate the Tobacco Control Act, which was signed into law by President Obama in June. Candy, fruit and herb-flavored cigarettes were outlawed because the FDA believes they entice children and teens who want to look older, but can no longer associate original flavors with cartoon characters.
So, if you want to sell cigarettes, flavors are not OK, unless those flavors are:
- Burnt baby diapers
Anything else would be unnatural.
There is a good chance many of you don’t know this, but I am a gourmet chef. I taught myself, and I believe it is now time for me to have my own cooking show. Of course, the world is saturated with cooking shows (both the how-to and the pseudo-dramatic types), so I have used my creativity and come up with a new angle.
The show will be called The Drunken Chef. Every week, I put back a few on camera, then show you how you can make a great sauce with getting sauced. Here’s how it would go:
“Hello there, and welcome to The Drunken Chef. I am your host, Bryan. I prefer you call me by my first name because we’re all friends here, and I kind of think of this as a bar. You don’t call people Mr. So-and-so at a bar, not even your boss. Anyway, as you have no doubt noticed, during my introduction, I have downed three shots of liquor. Now, today I am using Jim Beam bourbon, because it’s not horrible and it’s less than $40 for a handle. Can’t say that about Jack, can you? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Break the fast with the hair of the dog
There is sadness in San Antonio, today. Citizens will have to make due with ghost riders in the sky, because they will not see a floating banana anytime soon.
Yes, it was announced last week that there will not be a banana blimp in the Texas sky, as had previously been planned. Really, what state doesn’t need a floating fruit vessel? perhaps the most shocking part about all of this is that the banana blimp won’t happen because of lack of funding.
What is wrong with the citizens of Texas, that they don’t want to donate money to make this blimp a reality? Do they not like proper nutrition or something?