Reefer (Funereal) Madness!

Three elderly people will have some dope yarns to spin once they are released from intensive care after being served pot brownies at a funeral. The tray was unmarked and left in grandma-reach in honor of the recently deceased’s affection for marijuana-infused baked goods.

The two 71-year-old women and 82-year-old man were sent to the emergency room, complaining of nausea, dizziness, an inability to stand without assistance and their grandkids’ freakishly small hands.

A Huntington Beach police representative began his press conference by stating that the matter is not funny, reminding reporters that three people went to the hospital, but lost his s%#t when Officer Steve — the funny one — did his “Scared Tripping Granny” impersonation in the entrance on his way to the snack machine.

“Damn it, Steve!” he said between laughing jags. “This is why the feds are moving back in this week.”

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

The war doesn’t end with death

It is this blog’s sad duty to report that actor Roy Scheider has passed. Scheider is probably the most celebrated film icon in the War on Animals for blowing the head off of a great white shark in Jaws.

The movie is largely credited with reminding people of the dangers in the ocean, where you can always see creatures approaching, especially if you are skinny dipping alone near a large buoy late at night. In our warrior hearts, Scheider will always be remembered for his immortal line as he fired the fatal shot, “Smile, you son of a b–[BOOM!]”

The hospital isn’t saying how Scheider died, but this blog has its own theories.

Speaking of death and animals, mourners at a London funeral were treated to a horrible sight, when horses pulling the deceased’s casket broke into a stampede. The carriage tipped over, bouncing the casket around and throwing flowers here and there.

The bumpy ride to eternal slumber finally ended at the cemetery, but many mourners were so upset they had to be restrained. As this blog always says: don’t let an animal do a job any machine could do. Machines haven’t attacked us–yet.

Making funerals fun again

Everyone will someday die, and as long as you stay dead, we are OK with it. However, that doesn’t mean that death isn’t part of life. Because it’s a part of life, it can sometimes get downright strange. Don’t think so?

In England, just as anywhere else in the world, sometimes your loved ones ask to be cremated. One crematorium has thought of solving their heating bill problems with something they do anyway. Still can’t guess it? They are going to heat the building using the heat from the burning bodies. That means the deceased’s final gift to his or her friends and family is the gift of warmth.

Back in the States, death can be fun here, too. In Arlington, Virginia there is a lot of growth going on. It sits right across the Potomac River from Washington. Office and apartment buildings are constantly being built because people want to move to this happening area. However, one apartment building offers a little bit more than any other: the first floor will feature a funeral home. Now, residents can mourn the deaths of their loved ones in a more convenient atmosphere. Because just because their life stops, doesn’t mean yours has to.