Take it from Snee: Your 2011 resolutions

Anyone who read Calvin and Hobbes as much as I did already knows where this is going.

Resolutions are stupid because, even if you accomplish them, the world has not changed for the better. Unless your resolution was to fix the Middle East or invent virtual porn for sex offenders—that could help.

Unlike Calvin, it’s not that I necessarily believe that the rest of the world needs to shape up to accommodate me. Some of these are also improvements that I must make along with the rest of our beloved unwashed readers. See? I wouldn’t ask you to do anything I wouldn’t. Just like the carnie with three fingers said, “Shut up and get on the ride, you pussy.”

With that said, read on to find out what I’ve resolved for you, you pussy. (It’s not derogatory if I quote someone I just made up.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your 2011 resolutions

Future Friday!

Ladies and gentlemen, it took 10 years and careful pronunciation of this year, but it is finally here: the future, today.

Radioactive Mutant Animals!

After drinking water at a demolished nuclear weapons lab, a killer radioactive mutant rabbit went bonkers in Washington state! And what do radioactive rabbits do? They poop. Everywhere.

Officials are still tracking down the bunny’s highly dangerous fallout.


No, seriously: jetpacks. Jetpacks with Buzz Lightyear wings.

It may be a Swiss jetpack, but it’s a goddamn jetpack.

Boner Recall!

We’re not sure if there’s a porno based on Total Recall that goes by this title, but there should be.

Otherwise, it’s just a recall of erection pills, and that’s just dystopian.

Was Rick Snee right again?

Last Wednesday, SeriouslyGuys.com columnist Rick Snee gave it to you about the pronunciation of “2010” (again). And while he routinely projects volleys of predictions in these pieces, hoping one of them may stick, it appears he’s on the cusp of being right.

On the topic of future wars in the “Twenty-Ten” chain of events, he said the following:

“But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!

Not one week later, the Yemeni government said that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian charged with attempted unChristmaslike crotch behavior on a plane bound for Detroit, was “radicalised and recruited by al-Qaeda while a student in London.”

London. As in London, England. That’s where British people come from.

It appears that the U.K. is harboring terrorists. Sounds like invadin’ time to us!

Take it from Snee: This is Twenty-Ten

Proving that the horse I’ve been whipping isn’t dead, Twenty-Ten (a.k.a. the future) has arrived. Thanks to your efforts to spread the word, people around the world are referring to this year in the manner that will separate us from our primitive 20th Century predecessors.

But, that doesn’t mean we can sit back and enjoy the jetpack ride to our moon brothels. No, now that the year has arrived, some Johnny-Come-Latelys want to go back to the old ways and slip a Two-Thousand-Ten pound shock collar over our necks.

If we value our future, we cannot allow this backslide to happen. The Thousanders (I’m looking at you, Nanette Asimov) had their chance last decade, and where did it get us?! That is why I am giving you a new mission: defending Twenty-Ten. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This is Twenty-Ten

Take it from Snee: We’re losing the 2010 war

There’s a war for our future going on right now.

It encompasses Afghanistan and Iraq, Russia and former members of the Eastern Bloc and even red and blue state alike (well, more blue state, really).

We are closer to returning to the Dark Ages than ever before, a time when years were referred to by the thousands. If we enter the next decade with the same mindset, everything we fought for the past 2,000 years will be for naught.

We talked about this before. Now it’s October, the beginning of the holiday season. As of midnight, January 1st, the pronunciation of 2010 and the fate of our children’s children will be settled.

And we’re already being dragged behind by notorious terrorist Roland Emmerich. Continue reading Take it from Snee: We’re losing the 2010 war

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Alright, everyone here? OK, good.

Look, I don’t have a lot of time today, so I’m not gonna type up a bunch of crap about why I’m right. I’m just gonna cut to the chase and tell you why you’re wrong.

What follows are pieces of conventional “wisdom” (I’m using the term very lightly) and what’s wrong with these turd nuggets. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

A couple of weeks ago, I addressed how woefully inaccurate my predictions turned out for 2008. I have two responses for that:

  1. Shut up. You try predicting the future. It’s really, really hard.
  2. My vision was tainted by proximity. Predicting 2008 was like trying to read with my nose against the page.

So that is why I am continuing my series of 2028 news predictions. In twenty years, my clairvoyance will be so recognized that Suri Cruise will beg to be the new me. (By then, Scientology will be the equivalent of today’s Mormons.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply