We’ve wasted our lives

If there’s one thing The Guys prize about ourselves, it’s our giant, throbbing brains. We’ve spent the past several years training hard, working both lobes evenly and drinking to prune the weaker brain cells to become thought-mongering mentalists.

And it appears that it was all for naught.

According to a study launched by the BBC, brain training games–like those for the Nintendo DS–do not actually improve brain function … unless that function is to play brain training games better. Otherwise:

  • Our math still sucks.
  • Our cold fusion machine still only makes espresso.
  • And, we’ve yet to solve a single case in our Batmen Detective agency.

What’s next, BBC? Are you going to tell us that we’ll never beat Olympic records using Wii Fit? Because that’s real athletic training … with practically weightless controllers … on a balance board like what most decathletes use … sonnova

One spammer down, 200 million to go

Dick Nibbler is a jerk.Facebook won a $711 million lawsuit against Sanford Wallace, a man estimated at causing over $7 billion in damage through phishing.

For the unfamiliar with Facebook (yeah, right; and you don’t watch television either, right?), phishing is when a hacker creates a link and sends it to enough people, and at least half of those morons will click it. This submits their login information to Wallace, who can then send the link to their friends under that idiot’s name.

So, in order for this to work, multiple people had to originally click a suspect link from a complete stranger. But, doesn’t that mean the subsequent victims are off the hook?

No. This is what happens when you send stupid link after stupid link of quizzes and pirate/vampire/care bear wars: everyone becomes accustomed to receiving meaningless apps with poorly written introductions.

So, congratulations, Facebook. You’ve managed to sue one above-average user of your site while the rest continue to ruin it.

Facebook wants your grandmama

Ew. EW. EWWWWWWW!

Okay, so they also want Mom, Dad, second Mom, second Dad, your aunt, your uncle and the whole kitten caboodle. But still! I don’t even think either of my grandmothers know how to use a computer.

In a recent interview, Gareth Davis, program manager for games in Facebook’s platform marketing division, had a lot to say about their burgeoning social network/”gaming platform.” According to Davis, the network has accrued more than 5,000 games since opening up their platform in 2007, and those games are coming from small fish and enormous whales alike. He said the player demographics are changing as well.

“Our fastest growing demographic now is over 30,” said Davis. “Now it’s grandparents playing games with grandchildren. You don’t see that anywhere else.”

When asked if Facebook will become crowded with so many games that developer’s games won’t be seen, Davis remains confident in his medium:

“The [past] retail model meant there were 200 slots in a store. With the Internet, there can be infinite games. There can be successful niches. The cost of distribution is virtually zero. You can have a successful business with 300,000 users. You can make targeted applications that you could not do in a retail store.”

Oh joy. Now I get to look forward to getting Facebook friend invites from distant relatives. How wonderful. And the legion of application invites as well? I’m going to kill myself.

How To: Get in shape

The trees are budding, the temperatures are rising and the birds are singing. This can mean one of two things: 1) you are fighting off a delusional fever or 2) it’s spring time. For argument’s sake, let’s go with the latter on this one.

Because it’s spring time, you have probably realized that it’s time to shed your winter coat of blubber that has kept you warm all winter and helped you save money on the heating bill. The Guys are fitness buffs, as we have shown already. So now we are here to show you how to get in shape. Continue reading How To: Get in shape

Fighting the growing threats of animals, teenagers

If there’s one thing the Sega Genesis taught a generation, it’s that hedgehogs are speedy, blue creatures that wear only shoes and gloves–they are not toys. But what we often forget is that they are still animals, and because they are animals, they want to kill us.

Hedgehogs have spiny backs that protect them from Dr. Robotnik’s evil robots sent to destroy them. They also have powers of mind control, as a man in New Zealand found out recently. For some reason, he picked up a hedgehog, which was curled up because it was revving up to get enough speed to make it around the loop, and threw it at a teenager.

The man was charged with assault with a weapon. The teen, whose leg was injured in the attack, is fine, but the happiest news is that the hedgehog is dead.

Side note: It is with great sadness that The Guys report the death of Bryan Schools, who passed away from blog-related illness. We will miss you, Bryan. Have a drink with Jesus for us.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Super Mario Bros.’

SeriouslyGuys turned two earlier this week. This can mean two things: 1) it’s March, and 2) if it’s March, then it’s the season for the birthdays of both my mother and my younger brother. And, faithful reader, how do I celebrate those birthdays? With the triumphant return of “MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month.” Yes, loyal SG-ites will remember that during the month of our birthday, I celebrate the absolute bottom of the film world. Be afraid, as it’s not going to be a fun ride. What’s the first bump? A little film called Super Mario Bros. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Super Mario Bros.’