You win some, you crash some, you keep some

You all know the story by now: Tiger Woods crashed his car due to a massive conspiracy involving the PGA, his wife and auto insurance.

It’s a tragedy. A true tragedy.

But it’s not all bad! Sure, his body may be a little bruised and roughed up, but luckily, his checkbook won’t be. Gatorade, Nike, Gillette and Electronic Arts have all issued statements showing their support for the man.

“Nike supports Tiger and his family. Our relationship remains unchanged,”

“Tiger and his family have our support as they work through this private matter,”

“At this time, we are not making any changes to our existing marketing programs,”

“Our strong relationship with Tiger for more than a decade remains unchanged. We respect Tiger’s privacy, we wish him a fast recovery and we look forward to seeing him back on the golf course.”

When 109.3 million dollars of your yearly income was made off of the golf course, it’s reassuring that your sponsors become aspects of a Tammy Wynette song.

SeriouslyConsumer Report: G2 really sucks

This is an emergency SeriouslyGuys Consumer Report.  Please stop what you are doing (smoking crack) and pay attention for instructions.

G2, or Gatorade the Sequel, sucks.  Its fruit punch flavor is best described as “Jäger piss” or, to be charitable, “Drainocolada.”  Apparently Gatorade tastes good because of calories–who knew?

We asked products tester, Rick Snee, what he thought of G2.

“Oh God,” I said.  “Why didn’t I buy real Gatorade this weekend?  Now I have to throw these bottles away unopened, which means they won’t kill intelligent air-breathing sea mammals.”

Do not buy G2 unless you’re looking for a reason to hate your life, but your wife’s just too giving.  If you see G2 endorser Derek Jeter walking down your street (which is morphing into a baseball field), kick him in the nuts so he can’t have a son to sell G3.

Although the G4 Network is not related to G2, boycott the channel just to be on the safe side.  We don’t want Gatorade getting any more ideas.