You may have thought that the season of Lent was leading up to Good Friday and Easter, a snap count to the death of Jesus, the original comeback kid, but you’re wrong. This year, it’s a countdown to Major League Baseball’s opening day. Baseball is staying true to its Jewish and Muslim roots by kicking off the new season on one of the biggest Christian holidays. Some scholars believe that Pontius Pilate invented the game itself, beating Abner Doubleday by a good 1,800 years. If you were busy apologizing for having an affair this week, odds are you missed it.
Gays get their days in court
This week, the Supreme Court heard two different cases regarding gay marriage, or marriage equality, or the freedom of marriage, depending on where you are on the issue and which trench you’re in in the war of words. The justices are not expected to make a ruling until June. Between now and then, they will probably review the arguments made by all parties, then consult the Constitution, while Justice Antonin Scalia is expected to go cruising for bears in some of the seedier D.C. bars. Observers are uncertain of how the court will rule on California’s Proposition 8, but seem confident that the justices will reach around and overturn the Defense of Marriage Act.
So begins a 13-month retirement party
It was a scant 50 years ago that a plucky reporter named Barbara Walters came on the journalism scene, one of the first women to make it to the national level. She has covered everything from the Nixon administration to Whoopi Goldberg, but in May 2014, she’s going to retire. The 83-year-old Walters said her reasons were the desire to have more free time and the fact that there aren’t any softer lenses to blur her image any further, short of pixelation.
And in entertainment news
Lindsay Lohan is back at it again. This week, she walked off the set of Charlie Sheen’s show Anger Management with jewelry, then she flew to Brazil to promote something, probably a fancy Brazilian vodka or lemon-scented crotch wax. She was at a club in Sao Paulo and began drawing attention, so she hid herself under the DJ booth table, because no one would look there. Lohan’s actions are part of her ongoing spiral into oblivion, but hey, what’s more entertaining than standing by while someone cries for help?
With the end of the holiday season, and the beginning of “Oh crap, we still have months left of this miserable weather” season, we often try to find things to believe in. We all need that thing to hope for, to look forward to, to get us through. It’s a stupid mental trick we do to ourselves.
It’s time we stop tricking ourselves into looking forward to things. It’s going to be crappy for a long time, and the sooner we all acknowledge this, the better our chances are of moving on. We don’t need winter escapism, we need to face reality and somehow make our peace with it. It’s unfair of us to put so much pressure on these things we hope for.
Change.org has collected more than 5000 online signatures to petition Sesame Street to marry off long-time eligible bachelors Bert and Ernie.* The armchair activists believe that showing children a partnership fraught with fights and bubble baths could teach them that it’s OK to be gay … just so long as you do it right and get married.
The common law marriage will hopefully put an end to questions about the two Muppets’ sexual orientation, just like the Bachmanns.’
*If the two aren’t married, the petitioners would be happy if Sesame Street introduces a transgender character, a void which has already been filled by Oscar’s hermaphroditic earthworm friend, Slimey.
They warned us. They warned us that legalizing gay marriage would lead us down a slippery slope that would eventually see man-on-dog and woman-on-baby marriage. Well, it’s now clear that what happens on Broadway affects Utah in more ways than The Book of Mormon: polygamists now want the legal right to pretend to be married and share a mortgage and kids.
Sure, they’re not really all married—just some dude to one woman and a bunch of girlfriends—but, let’s call this what it really is: pretty f%@king cool.
…people who play Runes of Magic and want to be gay-married.
Taiwanese MMORPG Runes of Magic has an update coming that allows players to get married and become “connected” with each other. That’s probably like poking on Facebook (remember that feature? You used it a grand total of no times). The big news, however, is that that Runewaker Entertainment’s game is going to be more progressive than most states in the United States-allowing same-sex marriage all across the board.
“You will be married and somehow connected to the other player,” explains Western publisher Frogster. “Of course you can only be married with one person at the same time. It’s even possible to have gay couples, so no need to just have a male and female character. Two male characters and two female characters can marry each other.”
Isn’t that quaint and pleasant? I eagerly look forward to the jump to conclusion met by some repulsive Congressman or Billy Graham about how acts like these are corrupting the youth. They tend to make my day.
Is it just us or does it seem odd that a group of unmarried freeloaders are considering themselves experts on marriage? It’s kind of like learning the ins and outs of scuba diving from people who are afraid to swim.
A Hispanic woman was nominated to the Supreme Court. California’s court upheld a ban on same-sex marriage. GM may possibly go out of business this week. North Korea has been shooting off short-range missiles.
(Iowa, of course, legalized gay marriage, but medicinal marijuana is still illegal and there’s no surfing.)
Californians are swept up in grief and disappointment, wondering just when did they lose their edge.
Some point to when they elected a Republican governor, but he was an action movie star. Others believe it was when gays started acting too normal, getting married and adopting children that the state entered its giant middle-aged status. Still others point to the state’s financial troubles, suggesting that it may be time to “get over themselves and embrace corporate America, selling out or not.”
If few people pay attention to the Miss America beauty pageant, even fewer notice the Miss USA one. Miss USA is the Go-Bot version of the Transformer Miss America. (She turns into a liposuctioned has-been.) Hell, Donald Trump sponsors Miss USA, so it’s only slightly classier than the annual Hooters calendar competition.
There are only two times beauty pageants warrant more than a passing mention at the ass-end of the nightly news:
When it’s funny (which includes scandals, Vanessa Williams).
So, since the Miss USA competition is in the news, and I’ve already explored deaf people and retards in this column, there must have been a scandal. Miss California is in trouble because she responded to Internet symptom, Perez Hilton’s question about gay marriage with:
“‘Well I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. Um, we live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and in, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman,’ Carrie Prejean said to a mix of boos and applause. ‘No offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think that it should be between a man and a woman.'”
Some have argued, including Ms. Prejean herself, that she’s answered an opinion question and, therefore, there is no right or wrong answer. That’s true: there are no wrong opinions … but there are stupid ones.