Gay US federal employees one step closer to human

SeriouslyGuys: Home of the first Liberace joke online since 1991.In a stunning move sure to upset people who believe the Bible is science, President Barack Obama announced a change in federal employee benefits that would move gays one step closer to being officially fully human.

President Obama is scheduled to interrupt more of your favorite TV shows to explain the new rules sometime today.

But with every step towards full equal rights for Homosexual-Americans, there’s always that “just a second, guys” moment. Just as Clinton allowed gays to serve in the military if they pretend to be straight, the new benefits program will not include family health insurance.

But, let’s not get all revolutionary. Gay partners of federal employees will still receive all the other important family benefits. Now they’re allowed to:

  • Participate in the Christmas party planning committee.
  • Be identifiably displayed in vacation photos in their partner’s cubicle, not ambiguously as a friend or distant cousin.
  • Compete in the three-legged race at picnics and barbeques.

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful