Research proves what we’ve always known about sex: men consistently come first. Of all the polled participants, straight men finish 95 percent in all sexual encounters, followed by gay men (89 percent), bisexual men (88 percent), lesbian women (86 percent), bisexual women (66 percent) and straight women (65 percent). Basically, once a dude is in the equation, women get the shaft and that’s about it because even lesbians earned a solid B.
What’s causing women to come second or never at all?
One cause is how good dudes are at sex, because our efficient one to 15 minutes of beer-flavored passion is not enough of a tantric marathon for most women. More than 30 minutes provides the highest frequency of women’s orgasms, so that’s gonna call for orange slices, ladies.
Another reason is oral sex — as in, it’s not just for birthdays and anniversaries unless that’s also only when you’re giving orgasms. Without it, only 35 percent of women finish. With it, they tie with lesbians — 86 percent, which pretty much proves how barely necessary penises are.
But, the most important factor: communication. 45 percent of women who asked for what they want reported finishing “usually to always.” 25 percent who did not ask for anything got just that — having orgasms “rarely to never.” So, if we could suggest what to ask for: ask for a lesbian.
Things are tense up in the Nordic part of the world. Russian subs have been suspected of patrolling Swedish waters in the Baltic Sea, but the Swedes haven’t been able to confirm it, nor have they seemingly been able to scare the Ruskies off–until now.
Gay people: for years, we’ve known they walk among us. But, until recently, there was absolutely no way to tell who does what with whom until they’re doing it and we’re forced to explain whatever that is to our children.
Fortunately, science is leading the way with new testing technology to identify even the most closeted of homosexuals. In the past, responses to erotic pictures and video were measured by rubber bands around the penis or cameras up the vagina. But now, we don’t need doctors to smut up their labs. They can now watch your pupils dilate … as you watch erotica.
Of course, this new Voight-Kompff sexual identity test will only work until LGBT laboratories develop more lifelike homosexuals.
I know, I know. We now live in a country where gay men and women can openly serve in the military, but gays still can’t join the Boy Scouts. To you, it makes no sense. The Boy Scouts are like the military without the threat of imminent death that made homosexuality such a hazard in combat, so what’s the big deal?
The deal is that Boy Scouts may not face threats in the form of IEDs and RPGs, but they are threatened with something just as terrible if not worse. As a former scout, I know that BSA leadership didn’t just make an arbitrary rule because gay sex is icky. It’s just, well, my Scoutmaster made me promise not to talk about it.
Fine, I’ll tell you the real reason why the Boy Scouts upheld their ban on gay scouts and leaders, but you can’t tell anyone. After all, if you can’t trust the Internet to keep a secret, who can you trust? Continue reading →
Let it never be said that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney doesn’t have the support of Republican gays. In fact, he has two of their support.
Just to clarify: that’s two individual gay and lesbian members of the directing board for GOProud. The other two gay board members voted against endorsing Romney over his support for the Federal Marriage Amendment, yet the decision passed by a bare majority. So, it’s a gay Republican organization … that doesn’t much care about gay Republican rights. Just Republican talking points. But it’s a gay organization, not just plain old Republicans. Yet, three of the board members are straight, which is cool, but two of them just voted against gay marriage, and one wouldn’t take a stand on an issue that would probably matter to a gay political organization …
You know what? We’ll let you sort it all out, readers. Frankly, we can’t make tops or bottoms out of it.
Bio-Blood Components Inc.–which doesn’t sound like the name of a Bond villain’s operation at all–might face a lawsuit from Aaron Pace. Pace says that he was not allowed to donate blood because a staff member thought he was a homosexual.
Bio-Blood has already planned a two-fold defense, claiming that:
1. They’re a little defensive because their best gay friend (character witness!) keeps singing “Gary, Indiana” whenever they mention their location.
2. Technically, the worker only made positive assumptions about Pace’s sexuality.
As Fox News has taught me, you can’t just look to experienced journalists and certified experts for the news. Sometimes, the news is also whatever the majority of people think it is.
For instance: no news body has reported that the President is going to overstep the Congress and take our guns away. (My gun is my penis because I don’t fight crime with metaphors.) But, if you ask enough people, then you’ll realize
Yes he is.
The lamestream media is covering it up. Because they’re lame, and that’s what handicapped people do.
So, I’ve learned to trust my neighbors’ bumper stickers. And for good reason (i.e., my penis gun).
It is because of this vigilance that I’ve discovered a new problem: loving Jesus. Continue reading →
After nearly two years of gay and lesbian advocates asking the Obama administration to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” it appears that Congress will introduce a bill, possibly even this week.
President Barack Obama is reportedly on-board with the plan, albeit “grudgingly” because he didn’t plan to introduce anything until at earliest November, by which time he could find a way to support gays in the military without it sounding “so gay.” The President quickly added, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
President Obama’s hesitation is understandable since his first 18 months in office have been plagued with questions about his sexuality. There was Mustardgate when Obama ordered Dijon mustard for his burger. Or the knowing glances he got in response to asking Secretary of State Clinton if a tie brought out his eyes enough.
Even before his election, he was declared an ivory tower elitist, who pals around with terrorists … terrorists, who might be gay and hate straight people.
Should the amendment make it into defense authorization bill, the repeal would not take effect until after a study by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to ensure that the entire military won’t look gay … you know, except for the gays … who are valuable assetsmembers contributors to national defense.
As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.
So, enjoy my brain ejaculations.
I promise to avoid your hair and those pants that are dry clean only. But you’re on your own for your eyes. You don’t like this? Keep ’em shut. Continue reading →
I love how the hip-hop community was worried that all their battle songs sound gay. Not derogatory gay, but really, really gay. Like “touched if my friends call their wedding a ‘commitment ceremony’” gay.
I can imagine the setting when they came up with “no homo.” DJ Fistmaster is taking a break from a hot and heavy lyrics session, wondering if he came a little too strong onto Dirty Lil’ $anchez when he metaphorically said he would “nut in his eye/ ‘cause he’s a pretty little guy.” Continue reading →