Tag: gay

Your eyes look kinda gay, baby

Gay people: for years, we’ve known they walk among us. But, until recently, there was absolutely no way to tell who does what with whom until they’re doing it and we’re forced to explain whatever that is to our children.

Fortunately, science is leading the way with new testing technology to identify even the most closeted of homosexuals. In the past, responses to erotic pictures and video were measured by rubber bands around the penis or cameras up the vagina. But now, we don’t need doctors to smut up their labs. They can now watch your pupils dilate … as you watch erotica.

Of course, this new Voight-Kompff sexual identity test will only work until LGBT laboratories develop more lifelike homosexuals.

Take it from Snee: Boy Scouts’ gay ban protects boys

I know, I know. We now live in a country where gay men and women can openly serve in the military, but gays still can’t join the Boy Scouts. To you, it makes no sense. The Boy Scouts are like the military without the threat of imminent death that made homosexuality such a hazard in combat, so what’s the big deal?

The deal is that Boy Scouts may not face threats in the form of IEDs and RPGs, but they are threatened with something just as terrible if not worse. As a former scout, I know that BSA leadership didn’t just make an arbitrary rule because gay sex is icky. It’s just, well, my Scoutmaster made me promise not to talk about it.

Fine, I’ll tell you the real reason why the Boy Scouts upheld their ban on gay scouts and leaders, but you can’t tell anyone. After all, if you can’t trust the Internet to keep a secret, who can you trust? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Boy Scouts’ gay ban protects boys

Romney can point to not one, but two gay friends

Let it never be said that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney doesn’t have the support of Republican gays. In fact, he has two of their support.

Just to clarify: that’s two individual gay and lesbian members of the directing board for GOProud. The other two gay board members voted against endorsing Romney over his support for the Federal Marriage Amendment, yet the decision passed by a bare majority. So, it’s a gay Republican organization … that doesn’t much care about gay Republican rights. Just Republican talking points. But it’s a gay organization, not just plain old Republicans. Yet, three of the board members are straight, which is cool, but two of them just voted against gay marriage, and one wouldn’t take a stand on an issue that would probably matter to a gay political organization …

You know what? We’ll let you sort it all out, readers. Frankly, we can’t make tops or bottoms out of it.

FDA maintains gays are, respectfully, plague rats

Bio-Blood Components Inc.–which doesn’t sound like the name of a Bond villain’s operation at all–might face a lawsuit from Aaron Pace. Pace says that he was not allowed to donate blood because a staff member thought he was a homosexual.

Bio-Blood has already planned a two-fold defense, claiming that:

1. They’re a little defensive because their best gay friend (character witness!) keeps singing “Gary, Indiana” whenever they mention their location.

2. Technically, the worker only made positive assumptions about Pace’s sexuality.

Take it from Snee: Gay for Jesus?

As Fox News has taught me, you can’t just look to experienced journalists and certified experts for the news. Sometimes, the news is also whatever the majority of people think it is.

For instance: no news body has reported that the President is going to overstep the Congress and take our guns away. (My gun is my penis because I don’t fight crime with metaphors.) But, if you ask enough people, then you’ll realize

  1. Yes he is.
  2. The lamestream media is covering it up. Because they’re lame, and that’s what handicapped people do.

So, I’ve learned to trust my neighbors’ bumper stickers. And for good reason (i.e., my penis gun).

It is because of this vigilance that I’ve discovered a new problem: loving Jesus. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Gay for Jesus?

Fabulous news regarding DADT

After nearly two years of gay and lesbian advocates asking the Obama administration to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” it appears that Congress will introduce a bill, possibly even this week.

President Barack Obama is reportedly on-board with the plan, albeit “grudgingly” because he didn’t plan to introduce anything until at earliest November, by which time he could find a way to support gays in the military without it sounding “so gay.” The President quickly added, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

President Obama’s hesitation is understandable since his first 18 months in office have been plagued with questions about his sexuality. There was Mustardgate when Obama ordered Dijon mustard for his burger. Or the knowing glances he got in response to asking Secretary of State Clinton if a tie brought out his eyes enough.

Even before his election, he was declared an ivory tower elitist, who pals around with terrorists … terrorists, who might be gay and hate straight people.

Should the amendment make it into defense authorization bill, the repeal would not take effect until after a study by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to ensure that the entire military won’t look gay … you know, except for the gays … who are valuable assets members contributors to national defense.

Take it from Snee: A few more things

As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.

So, enjoy my brain ejaculations.

I promise to avoid your hair and those pants that are dry clean only. But you’re on your own for your eyes. You don’t like this? Keep ’em shut. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A few more things

Take it from Snee: ‘No homo’

I love how the hip-hop community was worried that all their battle songs sound gay. Not derogatory gay, but really, really gay. Like “touched if my friends call their wedding a ‘commitment ceremony’” gay.

I can imagine the setting when they came up with “no homo.” DJ Fistmaster is taking a break from a hot and heavy lyrics session, wondering if he came a little too strong onto Dirty Lil’ $anchez when he metaphorically said he would “nut in his eye/ ‘cause he’s a pretty little guy.” Continue reading Take it from Snee: ‘No homo’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Bruno’

You will never view pygmy sex the same way ever again.

Like many other dangerous and controversial comedians, the role-playing guerrilla satirist Sacha Baron Cohen knows how to draw an audience into a conspiratorial relationship with him — and then make you squirm anyway. Bruno, his newest quasi-documentary stunt comedy, is, if anything, a crazier, funnier, and even pricklier pincushion of a movie than Borat, his 2006 tweak of all things dumb, bigoted, and American. Teaming up again with director Larry Charles, Baron Cohen once more wanders the U.S. landscape in the put-on guise of an egomaniacally doltish yet weirdly resonant pest. This time he’s Bruno, a cretinous and very, very gay Austrian fashion-celebrity-fame whore in skintight hot pants and a frosted mop of Eurotrash hair that spills over his forehead like the tail of a dead squirrel. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Bruno’

Military gets gay over soldiers’ feelings

OK, so there’s talk that President Obama might lift the ban on gays in the military — you know, because there definitely aren’t any gays or lesbians in the military right now.

The hold-up to lifting any such ban is that there are soldiers who will have a problem with it.

This, of course, makes perfect sense, since the military can’t order soldiers to serve with people they don’t like, right? We’re sure that racist soldiers don’t have to serve with openly black soldiers, right? And sexist soldiers don’t have to serve with women, correct?

Sure, there was that one time a Protestant soldier had to serve with Catholic and Jewish platoon mates, but we all had a laugh about that … eventually.

Fortunately, today’s military worries about the special interests of her soldiers, protecting them from the big scary gays, so they can serve in s–tholes like Iraq without fear (or understanding).