A Boy Scout leader and a Catholic priest walk into a bar …

The Boy Scouts of America have decided to try something new and start reporting their sex offenders to the police. Their previous method mirrored the Catholic Church, which was to

1. Maintain their own private records of sex abuse incidents.

2. Ignore that list and kick out all the gays.

BSA reports that, by turning over criminal justice to the professionals, they’ll be able to concentrate more on identifying atheists by a list of inaccurate stereotypes and purging them from the ranks.

“Figuring out which boys are atheists will be tough, you know, because the uniform coves up their Flying Spaghetti Monster t-shirts and Darwin fish undershorts,” said Chief Scout Executive, Wayne Brock. “Say what you will about the seriousness of child abuse, but at least the pedos got these shy, godless boys to peel off a few layers.”

Gays and lesbians will still not be allowed to join, of course, because Jason Voorhees.

You Missed It: Can’t spell ‘hurricane’ without ‘eh’ edition

You know what it’s time for, don’t you? It’s time for us to sit down quietly while I shout at you about why the president’s health care reform plan is WRONG, WRONG I TELL YOU. ADMIT IT, YOU WANT TO KILL OLD PEOPLE! Ahem. In any case, if you were busy being released from a Scottish prison this week, odds are you missed it.

Hurricanes are for hosers
The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season is finally underway! The first real hurricane, named Bill. Is churning up the East Coast as we speak. Then again, we aren’t really speaking, but trust me, the hurricane’s out there. The news media is all over this one. Finally, FINALLY they have a big storm to cover during the slowest news period of the year–and then it’s not even supposed to make landfall in the U.S. Don’t worry, news networks, I’m sure there’s another Katrina out there somewhere.

‘Somebody get a nail, a pen and paper, I’ve got some ideas to write down’
One of the largest Lutheran denominations in the country is debating whether or not it will allow gay and lesbian clergy to be in committed relationships. Currently, gays and lesbians are allowed to serve as long as they remain celebate. Ha! Finally, the Catholics are ahead of the Lutherans in something other than numbers. They have had non-celebate gay priests for decades.

All You Need Is Robert Zemeckis
If you have children, you know that they are clamoring for one thing: LSD. Luckily, Robert Zemeckis may answer your child’s prayers with a remake of the Beatles’ 1968 classic Yellow Submarine. This time, it would be done with 3D computer animation. And you guessed, Walt Disney Studios is behind this brilliant idea. You may know Zemeckis from the children’s classic Beowulf. No word yet on whether John, Paul, George and Ringo are signed on to the project yet.