Animals are out to ruin your summer. That includes those big summer trip plans you’ve made.
Disneyland became a scene of horror and panic last Friday night when a flock of geese attacked the most iconic attraction at Disneyland, the Sleeping Beauty Castle. According to authorities, the geese pooped on nearly 20 tourists, many of them children. The attack happened just as crowds were gathering for the nightly fireworks show. The cowardly geese could not have picked a better time for their attack.
A hazardous materials team was dispatched to clean up the victims, who are said to be recovering from the trauma, and were given a change of clothes by the park.
If you’ve ever found yourself stranded on the Jefferson Memorial side of the Tidal Basin, where there’s only bike paths and 395 and you don’t have the strength to continue back to the Mall, then you’ve probably noticed all the greenish power bars along the water front.
Do not eat these, for they are goose poop, and besides being gross, they can — in large enough amounts — infect the very air you breathe with histoplasmosis and other diseases.
Geese are jerks. Just, straight up jerks. I mean, a lot of animals are annoying, but geese seem to think that everything they see is theirs. How jerky is that? They’ve even taken over a park in Denver. Like the great prophet Stephanie Tanner once said, “how rude!”
Remember the “Miracle on the Hudson,” when geese tried to take down a plane on takeoff, only to be thwarted by a perfect water landing? New York swore it would never be vulnerable to such an attack ever again. It seems they are making good on their promise.
The city has killed about 400 geese in Brooklyn to make sure fliers are safe again. They rounded up the birds into cages, then led them off to a gas chamber. Really. For all their liberal, no-sodium notions, at least the city understands the threat we face.
It’s Monday morning, and we’ve got good news and bad news for you. We know you’re already grumpy, so let’s start off with the good news.
Remember back in January when a double bird strike caused US Airways Flight 1549 to ditch in the Hudson River? Well, New York City is ready to deal with the Canada goose threat. They are going to start culling geese. It’s so seldom to see any government body so willing to fight against our animal enemy, but clearly, we have a friend in New York.
And then there’s the bad news. Sea stars, better known to the common man as starfish, are booming off the coast of New England. The worst part is that no one’s exactly sure why it’s happening. Starfish are dangerous creatures, even if you cut them in half they will regenerate and become two star fish. That’s just not good.